i went to college early to try to jump start my life, get it headed in the right direction. at the time my mom was in a hospital after a suicide attempt and i was stuck in a relationship that was killing me. i had barely any motivation left; all i wanted to do was run away from life... instead, i enrolled at rutgers and started in january 96. unfortunately, they fucked up on my financial aid shit, and i got deregistered. i was pretty much doing okay in classes (passing everything, at least) and overall having a great time. i made some awesome friends and stuff, but i couldn't get reregistered, so i lost the credits, four months of my life, my senior year, and my high school diploma...
see, my diploma depnded on my passing the first semester. i didn't so i couldn't graduate. i'm pissed off, so i keep putting off getting my ged... silly, i know, but why should i have to? there was no justice... there never is.
even when i try to do the right thing or come to a conclusion about how to live my life, circumstances come along and change things... i know, that's life, but it's my page, so i'm gonna whine...
i finally figured out my priorities. i need to get my lisence and eventually a car. my heart was set on a new beetle, all black... and i figured out a way to have one by the end of the year... this means putting off getting contacts again, going clubbing as pften, buying cds, eating out, etc., but i was willing. and then...
and then all this shit started with my mom. her boyfriend either is or isn't leaving her. she doesn't know. she has no one else, really, aside from me and him, and her life is pretty much shit on its own... i wouldn't really mind living with her, but i'm not really prepared financially... she's been leaving me hanging about this and i don't really know how to proceed with my life a this point... it just sucks...
now, this is where karma comes in and explains everything. i want her boyfriend to die. i hate him. it was his fault that she attempted suicide when she did, it was his fault i had to move out of my house, that i went to school early, that i started cutting my wrists, that i became so dependent on my boyfriends... i know, take responsibility for myself and my life, but he fucked with me. he fucked things up. it's the truth... he altered my life and my mother's and made it shitty. i want him to die, but i don't think he ever will...
funny thing is, my mom told him that i feel that way... at least i don't have to pretend any more...
so what the heck is my point? my point is that i respect my life, i really do, that i want it, to live it, to experience every second, to explore every possibility, that i don't want to regret any more of my life, to have wasted another second... i want freedom and money and fun... i don't believe in god or judgement or afterlife, just balance and karma and nature and instinct. i believe in the self, and i am paramount... yet i cannot dick my own mother. i cannot turn my back. there aren't that many people that really matter to me any more, but she is one of them... but i want a car for freedom and convenience and responsibility... i'd love my own apartment... i want cool clothes and to enjoy the last shreds of my dying youth...
i won't last forever. the whole world is just beyond my reach and i want to break out and grab it, but can i? should i? and what happens later? survival instinct... protect the self. find structure and then find out how to alter it. stabiltiy with flexibility... freedom and safety... i need to be more spontaneous.
oh well whatever nevermind.... -- *bleck* -- R