hey, i've got no train of thought to this, just feel there's a lot to say. it occurred to me today that i wasted the past 5 years of my life. i tried to break up with rob at one point in our relationship because i felt there was more i needed to be doing. i didn't leave him then becasue it was too hard to do... and ever since i have been lost. looking, waiting, wasting away.
i keep doing things, but they amount to nothing. i tried that andy thing, and i really thought that was an answer. i do not believe that the answer has to be a man (or a woman, for that matter), but i thought i'd found something special. that turned out to be a dream he did not share... and so i am left hopeless, answerless, and alone.
so i guess i am just mad. i feel i was duped, tricked. led astray. not that i want to sound like a victim. it's just like in labyrinth... 'if she'd gone that way, it would''ve let her right to the castle'... but i didn't go that way; i went the wrong long and worhtless way. what do i have to show for myself?
i wanna say i learned a lot. i wanna say that i got what i deserved, that the karma fairy only gave me what i had been giving for years. but that's so damn unfair! i tried to be good, i tried to be me, i tried to be bad... i was whatever i wanted and whatever i should have been... and along the way i lost people, hurt people, and was hurt and lost... why? why? why?
WHINE.
in other words, what the fuck am i doing? what do i want? how do i cope? i learned how to live from a suicidal schizophrenic and everyone expects me to be ok. i'm supposed to know how to deal with these things... she taught me that all life had to offer was shit, and i rejected that, promised my life would be better... and what do i have? what am i and what is my life? it's shit.
i feel hollow. i feel sadness. i feel like the party pooper. i feel like death. i feel like i am dying, and i feel like i've been dead for 5 years. why didn't i just break away that day in august '95? i set a precedent for myself for dependence and pain that i will regret every day for the rest of my life. i cannot walk away from the things that i love, or that say they love me, whether i belive them or not. i'm funny that way.
because of my mother, i've had this idea that knowing is power. if i know i'm psycho, i've no excuse to be psycho, and therefore cannot be anymore. it allows fault to lie half on circumstance, and half on me. i thought that was fair... but i can't kick this habit of feeling like there's something that wants to crawl out of my head and eat the world alive. like there's a tiny sad weak little girl inside me that can't get out of the corner she's been hiding in since i was a little girl. i feel like i cannot overcome all this pain and all these things. i feel like things won't ever get any better. they'll just be a different bad forever.
i have awesome friends, and fantastic enemies.
the tears won't come and i don't cut myself anymore and alcohol tastes bad and makes my head hurt and cigarettes are commonplace and drugs are not an option. that leaves no escape. shit! i just can't be better, won't be ok from all of this for a real long time.
and what i wouldn't give to be 16 again and in love for the first time and know that i was going to be okay because the whole world was ahead of me.