Don't know what I want but I know how to get it--
--Sex Pistols, Anarchy in the U.K.
Fucking Mike.
Can't take this shit.
It was bad enough when they were still sleeping together; now she and April are in the van and me and Mike are out in the tent every night and I have to listen to him bitch.
One more mention of Sara and I'll strangle him.
Don't you see, he says, I couldn't love Helen, I can't love anyone again...
Crock of shit and we both know it. Can't blame her for kicking him out.
Mike wouldn't know love if it bit him on the ass.
Sara just wanted someone to take care of her.
Yeah, I know she had a hard time. Like nobody else ever has.
Helen loved him more than that stupid bitch ever could.
Pisses me off.
And now he just whines. For losing Sara, for fucking shit up with Helen.
If I spent that much damn time feeling sorry for myself...
Fuck.
I gotta let it go.
And the part that kills me...
I know she goes into heat.
Sooner or later...
She's only got three options: going back to Mike, hitting one of the sleazy bars around here, which are pretty hard to find this far out...
or me.
I wish Mike'd never told me about that. Christ, I wish he'd never told me that.
Chopping firewood now; we don't need it, but I gotta bash the shit out of something. This or Mike.
Think maybe it should've been Mike.
But I almost broke his jaw last time we sparred.
The wood splits under the ax, and it feels good.
Hit, knock the wood aside, heft another chunk, hit.
Like meditation, only better.
Helen starts coming up behind me and I can smell it before she even gets close.
Shit.
Didn't think it would be this soon.
"Raph?" She sounds nervous.
I don't turn around. "Yeah?"
"Could... I was wondering..."
Hit, knock the wood aside...
"I need your help."
Yeah. I figured.
"Raph... I don't know how to ask this..."
Shit.
"Raph, I think... I think maybe we don't... we don't have to... if you could..."
Tave called last night and told us they'd found the rebel camp, had been taken in, reluctantly.
That Splinter's alive, though they didn't see him.
They're raiding a slave drive tomorrow.
There was more, Mike thought, that they didn't tell us. I dunno.
I wanna be out there, in the fight.
But I'm with April and April needs her daughter... looking for her's the only thing that keeps her sane. Out here, she can sleep without me, but I don't think she's up to livin' without me yet.
So I stayed here, going slowly west so they can catch up with us when-- if-- they find Sal, keeping in touch by radio.
Driving me nuts.
I'm sitting by the fire, still, waiting for it to die.
Agrippa nudges my thigh, and I stroke her head. Don't know what she thinks she sees in me, but she didn't want to go with Tave. She wanted to stay with me.
What the hell, I figured. She's quiet; I like that.
A lot better company than Mike.
I block him out most of the time.
He's bitching again now, about how much he misses Helen...
"You know, this ain't my problem," I snap at him. "You could fix this, if you wanted to--"
"I can't make myself love her--"
"If you don't then why can't you stop bitching about it?"
He shuts up then. Good.
Can't take this much longer.
Hour from now I'm supposed to jerk off, leave it in a cup behind the van. For her.
Don't know what we'll do if it doesn't work.
My fucking life.
Helen stays out of our way the next day, while I wonder what happened, if it worked.
We don't hear from Tave the next night. We hear from some idiot rebel. The raid went down bad, though we can't figure out why.
And something happened to Don. Don't know what.
They don't know if he's gonna live.
Mike and I stay up late, stare at the fire until it goes out.
Then I try to sleep.
Not a chance.
Agrippa snuggles up to me, her doggy way of tryin' to get me to calm down. Good luck, girl. Good friggin' luck.
I guess I kind of doze off, 'cause the next thing I remember is Agrippa getting up, looking at the side of the tent.
I get up, follow her out.
I can smell her, again, but stronger now; a lot stronger.
It didn't work.
"Lay down," I tell Agrippa. "Keep watch for us."
She nestles down at the entrance to the tent, and I follow Helen out behind the van.
