They felt his loss with every breath.
Every hour, every movement, every step they took seemed like blasphemy. How could--
how dared the sun shine, on a day like this? How dare the grass grow as if
nothing was wrong, when the world had just come to an end?
--Michaelangelo Hamato, The Outpost
Leo opens the box and they each take a handful of ash.
Mike's starting to cry again, and they try not to look at him, try not to look at each other
because they know they'll all lose it if they're not careful.
"You all right?" Leo asks
"I'll be okay." He blinks at the tears and stands up. "You ready?"
"Yeah," Leo says, and the rest of them stand. "I take North."
"South," Mike says, so softly they can barely hear him.
Raph's voice is almost too loud, too confident. "East."
"And West," Don finishes.
He had taken a very long time to die; when they thought about it, really, the tiny signs
they hadn't thought much about at the time, it had been a year, maybe more. Seven
months after his first collapse, when it became clear to all of them that something was
very wrong. There must be something we can do, Don had said, God, the
Foot rebuilt the Shredder outa worms, I can't imagine...
No.
But Splinter...
No, my son. My time is coming. I want you-- I want you all-- to promise me that you
will let me die. I know...it will be terribly hard for you. It is terribly hard for me to leave
you. But I know my time is near. I will face it, without fear, without desperation. Yes,
Leonardo, I see the look on your face.
I'm sorry, Sensei--
Dylan Thomas was a fine poet, but he died young. He didn't understand... I will not rage
against this. My sons...none of us are immortal. It is my time, and I have to accept that.
And you will have to, too.
They start walking.
I want you to cremate me, and when spring arrives in my homeland...
Don starts scattering the ashes, watches the gentle wind taking them away.
Donatello, he'd said. I want you to go to the west, where the sun sets. For you
are the one who is most like me now, in the twilight of my life. Your silence, your love
of wisdom, your search for a greater meaning to our lives...those things we always had in
common. And I loved you for the ways you were unlike me, as well, your love of gadgets
and computers and... he laughs, carefully, coughs a little. I loved you for all the
things you loved that I didn't even want to understand.
It's like dust; after a while, there's nothing left, he can't even see it in the wind. He looks
out over the landscape, at the wide, wide, sky and the cities and villages beneath it.
Splinter was right; it truly was a beautiful country.
Don puts his face in his hands and starts sobbing.
Raphael looks down at the ashes in his hands.
You know, Raphael, you always reminded me of my master Yoshi, in some ways.
And you reminded me of my own youth. Maybe I was too hard on you because of that, I
don't know.
He has been determined not to cry, to hold himself together, for once not to be the first to
break.
I want you to go east, where the sun rises. Where the first rays of light appear in the
morning...for you have the passion of youth, of the youth I had, of Hamoto Yoshi's youth,
my sensei, all those years ago...that brightness, that fire...
He raises his eyes to the hills, the long, bright expanses of green. We brought you
home, Splinter. Just like you asked...
The landscape wavers; he blinks at the tears, trying to find the energy to fight them.
And Leonardo, you will go north.
"I can't do this," he whispers to the air. "You thought I was strong, but..."
You have always been mature beyond your years; perhaps I took your strength, your
maturity, too much for granted. But you, I always understood. Even when you were
wrong, you would defend yourself with such passion, such strength... your brothers will
need you, now. Try... try to save some of that strength for yourself. Try to be strong
enough to lean on them as they lean on you...
He closes his eyes and lets the ashes scatter, feeling the last cinders brush against his
fingers, feeling the tears as they make their way down his face.
Somehow, they all sense when it is time to come back, to turn again to each other.
I was lucky, he said. We had a chance to say goodbye. You won't always
have that... I should have told you all these things sooner, he said. But I don't regret the
mistakes I made. For you have grown up... oh, my sons, I couldn't ask for anything more,
I love you all so much... I am so proud of you, all of you... I wish I could stay with you
longer... come on, don't cry like that... come here, all of you, hold me, please... I wish I
had arms enough to hold you all, he whispered, and then he was gone, and they were
left alone, as they are now, the four of them holding each other, crying like they're never
going to stop.
And the worst part is they all know that at some point they will stop, and come
down from the mountain, and life will go on as if nothing ever happened.
Except.
