I was locked
into being my mother's daughter
I was just eating bread and water
thinking nothing ever changes
and I was shocked
to see the mistakes of each generation
will just fade like a radio station
if you drive out of range...
--Ani DiFranco, Out of Range
"Daddy!"
Rachel runs up to her father. Don puts his arms around her, lifts her up, kisses her forehead. "Hey, beautiful..."
"Daaad," another voice says, a woman's voice, "I'm not a little girl anymore, remember? I'm almost thirty, for cryin' out loud." The little girl dissolves like vapor and he finds himself facing another Rachel, just as beautiful, her mother's eyes and his skin, and she smiles and holds her arms out to him.
"Rachel," he says. "Oh, Rachel..."
"C'mon, Dad." She grabs his arm. "We were starting to think you were never gonna show up..."
"April," he says, "come here--"
"No," Rachel says. "She can't come yet."
"Rachel?"
April wakes to the gunshot, finds herself facing Casey. "It's over," he says, and puts the gun in his mouth.
She doesn't even have time to react before he pulls the trigger.
"Holy Christ," Robyn says. "Whatta mess."
"Y'know, one of those 'messes' used to be my brother," Raph says.
"I'm sorry, it's just... what the hell happened?"
"He got into the house," Raph tells her. "Don't ask me how. Then he comes in here, blows my brother to smithereens, and finishes himself off. Nice, huh?"
"Jeezus...where was April?"
"'Bout a foot away from ground zero, by my guess."
She whistles.
"Leo's takin' her and Shadow for a drive. They just couldn't handle it in here any longer...April especially. Mike's been filmin' out in Hong Kong, he's flyin' in..."
They hear the sound of a child crying.
"Crap, that's Drew," Raph says, "you wouldn't wanna grab him for me, wouldya?"
"Yeah, I guess so..."
"He prob'ly needs changing, Shadow's got milk in one of those thermos things in the baby bag if he's hungry. Don't bring him in here, okay?"
"I wouldn't," Robyn tells him. She walks into the living room, finds Andrew in his car seat. She unbuckles him and lifts him up, checks his diaper; it's soaked. "Drew," she says, "you shoulda started screaming sooner..."
He just cries, not paying her a word of attention. One thing about the shell, she thinks to herself, don't have to stress about nailing him with the diaper pins... she's getting kind of used to him, actually, this little green thing with a beak and a shell and her niece's slender fingers and quick smile. He's fun. She slides the dirty diaper off, grabs the baby wipes..."Uh...Raph?"
"Yeah?"
"How...I wanna clean him off, but...how do I....get in?"
"Oh, cripes...just a minute..." He looks down at his brother's body. You'd get a kick outa this one, Don, he thinks.
"Oh, wait, I see...never mind..."
He's using the bedsheet as a shroud, he doesn't figure April will want to use it again, they're a nice dark blue, he thinks Don would like them. Besides, it saves him trying to scrape the brains off... he doesn't know what he'll do with Casey; he's not thinking about it right now... the cops asked enough questions, couldn't they have done this? But he would have said no anyway... "You okay out there?"
"Yep, we're under control..."
"Sorry 'bout that, I didn't even think--"
"It's all right, Raph."
It had gotten better, for a while, after Casey got out of the hospital. He's sobered up some, and he and Raph had reached an uneasy truce. Even managed to joke around once in a while when Casey came out to visit.
And then Shadow had announced her pregnancy...
Don't think about it, Raph tells himself. Nothing you can do.
"Is Mike there yet?"
"No, his flight got delayed."
"I wanted to make sure he got in okay...he was so upset..."
"He's on the plane now, I just checked...who is this, anyway?"
"I'm sorry...this is Agnes Chen, his director?"
"Oh, yeah. Mike's told us about you. You're the one who made him take acting lessons, right?"
"Among other things..."
"You shoulda heard him go on about that...'look, they didn't hire me to act...'" He smiles. "I'm glad somebody did it."
"They treat him like a fad," she says angrily. "They'll make their money off him, and when he's worn out, they'll drop him like a rock..."
"You must care about him." God, had he said that out loud?
"He's got a lot of charisma," she says. "He'll make a good movie star, one that'll last, with a little work. I'll admit I think he's going to do wonders for my directing career..."
But that's all, Raph thinks sadly to himself. "Anyway, he's on the plane, I think he's doin' all right..."
"Good," she says. "I was worried."
"I'll tell him you called."
"Thanks."
Leo gets the door. "Hello?"
"Hello, I don't believe I know you...but I live next door, I've spoken to April and Don's helped me out a few times...my name's Elaine." She is tall, with long auburn hair curled up in a twist at the back of her neck. Her eyes stare straight ahead, not registering him at all.
"Hi, Elaine, I'm Leo..."
"I knew something was wrong, and I just wanted to know if there was anything I could do."
"I...I don't think so... Don... Don's..."
"Oh, no... oh. Oh, I'm so sorry... are you family?"
"He...he was my brother."
"If...if there's anything I can do--"
"Thank you, Elaine. I don't think there is...but I appreciate it. I'll tell April you were here; I know she'll... thank you."
Early that morning, when he finally manages to get some sleep, he dreams of reaching behind that white neck, watching the hair fall...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"No," the girl says. "I can't do it."
"I hope," Agnes hisses through her teeth, "that you're not under the dangerous delusion that you are irreplacable."
"Look, I'm sorry. I thought I could do it. I can't. It's that simple. You don't want me retching in the middle of the scene, do ya?"
"I thought you liked him."
"I like him...I just don't wanna kiss him."
"You are a professional, dammit. You kiss whoever the script tells you to kiss."
The girl shakes her head. "Can't you use a body double?"
"I can't for this shot. You know that."
"For him."
"I don't have the time. Or the patience. Look, we'll break for lunch early. I'll give you an hour. If you're not ready to kiss him, don't come back."
"She's bluffing," her agent says. "What's she gonna do, reshoot everything?"
"She'll do it," her manager says. "She doesn't have that much film in the can. Besides, they've been talking about her making a comeback for years...she could just step right in. And she's respected, ya know. You blow her off..."
"She's a has-been," her agent says. "You get kicked offa one of her movies, it'll be like a badge of honor."
"And he's big right now, too...I wouldn't risk it," her manager says.
"Let her kiss him," her agent says. "He'll be washed up by Christmas, anyway."
She doesn't even bother going back to the set.
"Stupid bitch," Agnes mutters under her breath. "What the hell am I supposed to do now?"
"Find a new co-star," John says calmly. "I know you don't want to hear this, but your fans have wanted a comeback movie for years...
"I'm a director," she snaps.
"Plenty of directors have acted."
"And their movies usually suffer for it."
He shrugs his shoulders. "Not what they said about Orson Welles."
A knock at the trailer door. "Yes?"
"It's me." Mike's voice.
She walks to the door, opens it. "What?"
"I just wanted to thank you...you didn't have to do that."
"I'm a professional," she says coldly. "If an actor doesn't want to behave like a professional..."
"Thank you anyway," he says, turning from her. "Next time I want to thank you for something, remind me not to bother, okay?"
"Mike--"
John walks up, looks over her shoulder into the darkness. "That went well."
"Fuck you, John."
"Are you all right?"
"I'll be okay," Mike says, opening the trailer door to let her in. "Sorry I snapped at you back there."
"It's all right... with what you've been through..."
"I'm still pretty touchy," he says. "Though we're all a little relieved we don't have to explain to Drew why his Uncle Don was livin' with his grandma..." He smiles so he won't start crying. "Shit, even my jokes are bad lately..."
She puts her hand on his arm. "Michaelangelo..."
"Look, I'm not much entertainment tonight, okay? You always said I should get more serious, here I am. Serious." He opens the door for her. "C'mon. We got a lot of work to do in the morning."
"Goodnight, Mike," she says, and walks out.
He watches her walk away. "Dammit, Agnes," he says to himself, "the first time you've ever done something I asked you to do..." He sighs, looks at the clock he keeps set to California time. It's not that early...well, it is, but dammit...
he picks the phone up, dials. "Hey," Raph's voice says.
"You're awake?"
"Oh, yeah, we've been up half the night...think Andrew's got the flu... you know how it is, the joys of fatherhood..."
"God, I miss you guys..."
"What's wrong?"
"I just...I'm homesick, and they fired Tania today--"
"Why?"
"She wouldn't kiss me."
"That little bitc-- ow! Shadow-- Shadow, he's not even in the room--"
Mike laughs. "Maybe you guys could fly out sometime, huh? I'd like to see you...this shoot keeps draggin' and it's only gonna get worse... you could bring Sophie out, I worry about her, all the time she spends at school..."
"I don't know...Shadow, wanna go to Hong Kong?"
"Who's paying?"
Mike laughs. "Tell her I'll pay..."
"She's kidding...I think she's kidding..."
Shadow's voice: "Who's kidding? He's makin' a movie, tell 'em to put it in his contract--"
"If you guys can get away-- it's lonely out here, you got no idea."
"Well," Raph says, "you see what you can do on your end, and the wife here'll see what she can do on this end. Deal?"
"Yeah."
The first hint Mike gets is when Raph shows up with Sophie and Andrew.
"Where's Shadow?"
"She had trouble gettin' outa work," Raph says, looking at the top of Sophie's head.
"Daddy," Sophie says, "why's it so dark out?"
"Well, it's night here, honey." He scoops her up, balances her against his plastron. Four years old now... seems like the time's gone so fast... they only gave her a life expectancy of a couple months when he got her, but she's still healthy, and they're talking about letting him adopt her. Nobody wants a little girl infected with the most virulent strain of AIDS known to man... nobody but Mike. He got lucky. They both did.
"Wasn't night when we left."
"No, sweetheart, it wasn't... Raph, is everything okay?"
"Fine," Raph says, adjusting the baby bag on his shoulder and surveying the airport nervously. "No fans tonight?"
"Our time, it's three o'clock in the morning, Raph..."
"Yeah," his brother says. "I forget. So... take me to the hotel, anyway."
"What? You think you're gettin' a hotel? You three are stuck in my trailer." He kisses his daughter on the forehead. "C'mon, wait'll you see the rustbucket they got me for a limo..."
"I don't know, Agnes, think we oughta run that scene through one more time..."
"I'm still the director, Mike, and if you think I'm gonna kiss you again..."
"Aw," he teases. "You're no fun."
Agnes has noticed the sorrow behind his jokes increasing, that little edge that was always there showing more and more. Only to be expected, she tells herself. Not every day you lose a brother... especially like that. "We don't have any more scenes on this set, do we?"
"Nope."
"Good," she says. "We'll move on to the other interiors tomorrow." Everybody cheers. "Go take care of your daughter," she tells Mike. "So she'll remember what you look like."
"Hard to forget," he says wryly.
When he gets back to the trailer Raph is sitting at the phone. "She's not home," he says. "She should be home."
"She probably went shopping or something. Maybe she's over at April's."
"Maybe," Raph says skeptically.
"You wanna tell me what's going on?"
"You know what's going on, Mike. Her father killed our brother... I don't know. I just don't know... seems like all we do is fight."
Mike puts his arm around his brother. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"Figured you had enough to deal with. And we'll get through it. Least I think we will..." He puts his face in his hands, and Mike pulls him closer. "We're gonna be okay," Raph says. "We just need some time..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Only nine months old and Andrew's already learned not to cry when the screaming starts. They never notice him. He knows not to get too scared now though; nothing happens. Just more and more screaming, until finally the door slams.
And then everything is very quiet...
It's almost over now. He can sense it.
"Like it's all my fault that my father--"
"Well, he was your father--"
"And it wasn't for your brother, my father would--"
"What about my brother, you little--" He pulls his hand up, and she ducks out of instinct.
He freezes.
They both know they've reached the end.
"Yeah," Leo says. "Dinner tomorrow would be great. I'll see you then." He hangs up the phone.
"She's pretty," Mike says.
"Yeah," Leo says softly.
The doorbell rings, and they both start for it. Mike's up; Leo gestures to him.
"I'll get it," he says, walks across the hallway, opens the front door. Eliwony's not barking; must be someone they know. He opens the door and their eyes meet. "What's wrong?"
"I left her," Raph says.
"Come on in."
--end chapter four--
