My inner turmoil verbalized.

June 9th, 2001

Another amusing day. Oh joy of joys. I'm sitting here bored off my arse, no one's calling, there's really no need for me to be at work if no one calls, right? Oh well. Doomed to suffer a slow death from mind numbing boredom. I hear there's better ways to die, but I've yet to actually find em. heh. I've thought alot about something that happened last night, trying to understand why I got upset at something that I don't think I should have. It's wierd to think that with what Heather put me through I'm more or less eager to jump right back into things. That's just pretty strange to me I think. It's not that April's not great or not worth it. I think she really is. It's just. I don't know. Strange. Alien feeling even. I expected that I would have to walk around forever with this giant cross on my back bearing the weight of what's happened. Now it just doesn't matter. Leave the cross in the middle of the road for some other moron to trip over. heh. I do miss 'er y'know. I really do. It's almost this maddening insane urge of "Why in the hell do I miss her after what she's done and when I'm actually sure I don't want her anymore." Ugh.

Why do we men that are mortal have hearts, when we know not how to love. That's my "I think I made up this phrase on my own" for the day. I think we're all capable to be all that happy cheery junk. I just don't think we're really capable of recognizing what's true and what's just the shiny paint on the outside that we so often mistake to be as love. I don't know. I'm somewhere between boyish wonder and bitter disillusionment on the whole subject anyways. Arrgh. I swear we would have been better off if goats were created as the superior species sometimes. =) Anyway, I think that's it for the day. I've run out of complete thoughts to say.

June 4th, 2001

Well, so far, things have gone progressively downhill I'd say. Not that I'd say anything. laugh. It's funny just how great people can be one minute, and then the next they're so TOTALLY not what was previously advertised. I had to talk to Heather today and face her drama. Insurance for unborn babies seems to be totally outrageous. She needs alllll the information about the insurance that's going to pay for the baby, but the health insurance can't be kicked in until he's born. Arrrrrrrrgh. I bet Jesus the great mexican hope didn't have this much trouble getting born. heh. I know, it's a normal deal, just seems to be a royal pain in the ass for me. Which, brings us to today's rant I think. The cluster that organized health care is. Sure, I think managed health care is great. It's a wonderful thing really. The whole problem to me is the whole cluster f0ck that is it. It's not a simple issue of "oh, well, I have a problem and I need to go see a specialist." It becomes *WHO* is co-operating with the insurance company that day, or who the doctor knows, or likes, or whatever. So it's no longer who's the best man for the job, it's who's got the best hookups. Eesh. What happened to the doctorial beside manner of the 50's? At least back then doctors were personable bastards that at least made the effort to LOOK like they cared. Anyway. I'm done with that. Now I return to acting like I care about people's inability to use computer periphs. =)

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