Tell Jess I Love Her

Ben dried the last dish, placed it in the cupboard while dropping the towel on the counter, and headed out to the living room. Jess was sitting on the couch, enthralled by the television. Ben placed his hands on her shoulders and kissed the top of her head.

"Great dinner, honey," he said. Jess nodded absently. Ben glanced at the screen. "What's on?"

"One of my favorite movies: 'Father of the Bride.' The Cary Grant version," Jess murmured. Ben joined her on the couch and they watched in comfortable silence. Ben glanced over at his girlfriend of several years, amused by her interest in the movie. After it was over, he picked up the remote control and flipped between several channels, determined that nothing else worth watching was on, and turned the television off. Jess seemed lost in thought.

"I wonder if anything like that will go wrong with our wedding," she said, closing her eyes.

Ben stood up and stretched. "Oh, hon, you don't need to worry about that for a while," he replied, then headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth. His back was to Jess, and so he didn't see her expression darken. When he came out of the bathroom and entered the bedroom, she was already curled up in bed. Ben stripped, placing his glasses, keys, and wallet on the bedside table, pulled on a pair of sweatpants, and turned off the light. The faint glow of a streetlight cast eerie shadows around the room. In the darkness, Ben thought he saw Jess's shoulders trembling, as if she were crying. He decided that it was just a trick of the dim light and climbed into bed beside her. He reached for her just as he was about to fall asleep, but drifted off before he realized that she had pulled away.

Hours later, the phone rang, waking Ben from a deep slumber. He rolled over, hoping the ringing would stop. When it didn't, he picked up the phone.

"Yeah?"

"Hi, it's me."

Ben fumbled for his glasses on the bedside table, then looked at the clock. It was 5:11 AM. "Jess?" he asked, rubbing his eyes. "Where are you? What's going on?"

Jess sighed. "I'm leaving, Ben. I just wanted to let you know. Goodbye."

Ben heard a click. "Wait--" he started, but he was already talking to a dial tone. He sat up, then reached over and hit the fourth speed dial button on the phone.

"H'lo?" he heard a voice say after two rings.

"Beth, where's Jess?" he asked. He heard Beth groan.

"Have you checked next to you in bed?" she asked wearily.

"I'm not joking," Ben said. "She just called me to say she was leaving. Is she coming over there?"

"Not that I know of," Beth answered. "You guys have a fight?"

Ben lay back down with a sigh. "No. At least not one that I was aware of." The room was beginning to be lit up by the rising sun, allowing Ben to see that Jess had hastily made her side of the bed while he was asleep.

"Yeah, well, you know how moody Jessie is." Beth paused for a moment, holding her breath, then letting it out slowly. "It takes a lot to get her to do anything more than sulk, though. Are you sure nothing happened last night or anything?"

"Well, no, I guess I'm not positive…" Ben frowned, trying to think of anything he had said or done that Jess could have taken the wrong way. "She got home from work before me and made chicken for dinner. It was good, and I told her so. After dinner we watched TV. The old version of 'Father of the Bride' was on. Then she… oh, crap." He sat up again. "She was wondering if anything like that could happen with our wedding, and I said she shouldn't worry about it yet. How could I be so stupid? I should have known she'd take that the wrong way. I wasn't paying attention. I didn't mean it the way it came out."

"Jesus, Ben, how long have you two been together? How did you think she was going to take a comment like that?" Beth let out a humorless laugh. "You didn't realize she'd been hoping for you to pop the question for over a year now?"

Ben set the phone down briefly to put on a shirt, then picked it back up. "I've been planning on it for a while, I just…" he paused, pulling on his shoes. "I've just been waiting for the right time."

"You mean you've been stalling."

"No! No, I love Jess. You know that. I want to marry her, but I want everything to be perfect."

"Well, it looks like you may have blown your chance."

"Not if I can help it." He grabbed his wallet and keys off the bedside table. "You think she went to your parents' house?"

"Maybe," Beth said, "but I doubt she'll want to see you." She laughed again. "I just told her the other day that if she didn't think you loved her enough to marry her, she should give up and move on. You guys have been together for nearly four years, Ben, and neither of you are getting any younger."

Ben paused for a moment and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I know, Beth, I just - I know. I've just been nervous, and I know it's what Jess wants, too, but it's a big step and I've been trying to be careful." His laugh mimicked Beth's. "Looks like I took it too far. But Beth, I'm gonna fix everything. If you talk to Jess, tell her I love her." Beth grunted her assent, and they both hung up. Ben rushed out of the apartment, nearly forgetting to lock the door behind him. He got into his car in the parking garage beneath the building and headed off for Jess's parents' house. It was almost an hour drive, and Ben was halfway there before he realized that his hands were numb, which reminded him to turn on the heater. He wasn't thinking about himself. Running through his mind were all the smiles Jess had ever given him, every tear she had shed on his shoulder, and the way she felt when he held her as they were falling asleep. He couldn't lose her, not now.

By the time Ben arrived, the sky had clouded over and a light drizzle was falling. He parked his car across the street, went to the door, and rang the doorbell. Jess's mother answered his ring.

"Well, hello, Ben. What brings you here?" she asked.

Ben thought he could hear a slightly nervous tone in her voice. "I'm looking for Jess," he said, trying subtly to peek over her shoulder into the house.

"I'm sorry, but she isn't here." The way she held the door open just wide enough to fit her body through told Ben otherwise.

"Please, Mrs. Thompson," he begged, "let me talk to her for five minutes. This is all just a big misunderstanding."

"I'm sorry, Ben, but I can't. Let some time pass, maybe she'll be ready then." Before he had a chance to argue, the door was closed in his face. He rang the bell twice more, but no one answered. His chest felt like it was going to cave in on itself. He walked slowly back to his car, turning around to look at the house every few steps. No one came to the window to wave to him and watch him go. The rain was getting harder and was beginning to soak through his clothes. He climbed back into the car, noting that the dashboard clock said it was ten minutes to seven. He was going to be late to work. He figured he should care, but he didn't. It only meant that he'd have to stay later, which really didn't matter since he had no one to rush home to now anyway. He drove back to the apartment to change into work clothes, this time turning the radio on as loud as he could stand it in an attempt to drown out his thoughts.

Ben spent his day at the office preoccupied and depressed. After he snapped at a few of his coworkers, they all began avoiding him. He tried to get actual work done, but spent more of his time staring out the window at the people down on the street below. He imagined that he saw Jess in nearly every woman that walked by, and his heart jumped every time in spite of his best efforts to be logical about it. At the end of the day, he stayed around the office for a half-hour doing pointless tasks like straightening up his desk. He didn't want to go home to an empty apartment. When he finally did, the first thing he did was call Jess's parents' house. There was no answer, but Ben let it ring with the dubious hope that the Thompsons had finally decided it was time to invest in an answering machine. After a minute had passed, he figured that nothing of the sort had happened, and if there was anyone home they weren't going to answer, so he hung up, then called Beth.

"Hello?" she answered after a few rings.

"Have you heard from Jess today?" Ben asked impatiently.

"Jeez, Ben, don't you ever introduce yourself on the phone?" Beth chuckled.

"I'm sorry. Hi Beth. But have you heard from her?"

"I spoke to her briefly," Beth conceded. "She didn't really feel like talking to anyone today, though."

"Does she want to talk to me at all?"

"I don't know, Ben. My guess is that if she doesn't want to talk to anyone then she certainly won't want to talk to you."

Ben sighed. "Great. Doesn't even want to give me a chance to explain myself."

"I think you've had a while now. You just never took the opportunity."

"You're taking her side."

"She's my sister, it's natural."

"Yeah." Ben rubbed his temples. "Well, listen, make sure you tell her I love her the next time you talk to her, okay?"

"I will," Beth said softly.

"Thanks, Beth. I'll talk to you later." After he hung up, Ben figured he should eat something and so made himself a sandwich. He sat and poked at it while halfheartedly watching sitcoms on television. Finally he decided that sleep would be best, and so went to bed, but ended up staring at the vacant half of the bed for two hours before actually falling asleep. He felt like something inside him had died.

The next few days followed the same pattern. Ben's work at the office improved, but only out of necessity. He dreaded the upcoming weekend, when there would be nothing to take him out of the apartment even for a little while. He figured he could give one of his bachelor friends a call, but he didn't feel like sitting around, drinking beer, watching sports, and talking about women, which was their usual routine. He ended up spending Saturday staring at college football games on TV without really paying attention. The phone rang at around 5:00 PM.

"Hello?" he answered hoarsely, not daring to hope that he would hear Jess's voice on the other line.

"Hi, Ben, it's Beth."

"Hi, Beth. What's up? Have you talked to Jess? Does she want to talk to me yet?" His words caught in his throat.

Beth took a deep breath. "Ben, she wants to come and get her things tomorrow. She wanted me to ask you to make yourself scarce."

Ben remembered getting hit in the head from behind with a basketball when he was in junior high. He had had to be treated for a concussion. His ears had rung for days afterwards. The blow he had just received felt worse. "What can I say to that?" he asked quietly. "I love her. I want her to be happy. I'll find stuff to do outside of the apartment tomorrow."

"Thanks, Ben," Beth said, sounding almost relieved. "It'll make things easier on her. She's not doing too well."

Ben snorted. "Yeah, well, neither am I. It doesn't matter, though. But Beth?"

"Yes, Ben?"

"Tell Jess I love her."

"I will, Ben. Take care."

Ben nodded without realizing that Beth couldn't hear that, and hung up the phone. He sat down hard on the couch and tried to think of what he could do to get himself out of the apartment the next day. He thought about going to the gym, which he hadn't done in over a week, but didn't really feel like he had the energy. Every other idea he had was similarly rejected until he decided that he would just leave the apartment in the morning, wander around the city for a few hours, and come back in the evening. He figured that would leave Jess enough time to finish removing herself from his life. The idea stung. He didn't want to think about it, or anything else, really. He took a long shower, then went to bed, even though it wasn't even seven o'clock yet. One thing he had to admit was that he was getting more sleep now that he was depressed than he had since high school.

As he was rooting through his drawer for a clean pair of socks the next morning, his hand brushed up against a small box. He took it out and looked at the ring inside. He had been saving it for just the right moment. It was a simple ring, just a gold band with a small diamond. Jess had said she wanted something simple and traditional like that. Ben figured he ought to take it back. That was what he could do while Jess was moving her stuff out. He sighed and snapped the box shut. He just couldn't do it yet. He put it back where he had found it, then finished getting dressed and left the apartment. He walked down the street and found himself watching all the people he saw intensely, wondering what he had done to deserve to have the person that meant the most to him taken out of his life. He passed a small park and stood for fifteen minutes watching a couple play with their two toddlers on the swing set. He had always imagined himself doing that with Jess. He continued walking and tried to push the thought out of his head.

After wandering around the city for five hours, Ben guessed that it would be safe to go back to the apartment. He didn't imagine she was going to try to take any of the furniture or appliances, since they had bought almost all of them together, and packing up the rest of her things couldn't take that long. He trudged up the six flights of stairs to the apartment. When he got there, he found the door unlocked. Oh great, Ben thought. Maybe I've been robbed, too. Perfect. When he opened the door, what he saw almost made his heart stop. Jess was sitting on the couch with her hands folded neatly in her lap. She was staring straight ahead, apparently deep in thought. Ben had to resist the urge to run to her and gather her in his arms. Instead, he closed the door behind him and cleared his throat. She looked up at him with a guarded expression on her face.

"Hi," Ben managed to squeak out through his closing throat.

"Hi," Jess answered. She turned to look straight ahead again. "I didn't mean to see you. I was going to be quick about getting my stuff and getting out of here." Ben noticed a half-filled duffel bag at her feet. He swallowed nervously. Jess went on. "I was looking for my argyle socks. They're my favorites, and I couldn't find them. I thought that maybe one of us had accidentally put them in your drawer. I wasn't trying to snoop." She brushed away a tear, then reached for something beside her that Ben couldn't see. She held up the ring box and looked back at Ben as another tear fell down her cheek. "Was this for me?" Ben swallowed again, then nodded. "Why didn't you just ask me?" Jess asked. "You know I would have said yes."

Ben's eyes and throat felt like they were on fire. "Because I… because I'm an idiot," he said, closing his eyes. He couldn't deal with this. The room was so silent that he could hear a dog barking a few blocks away. He could also hear the squeak of the tiny hinges on the ring box when Jess opened it. He opened his eyes. Jess was admiring the ring in the fading evening sunlight. She slipped it onto the third finger of her left hand.

"May I?" she whispered.

"Is that what you want now?" Ben asked, rubbing his eyes to keep them from overflowing.

"It's what I've always wanted."

Ben took two steps toward the couch. He was afraid to trust himself. "Oh, God, Jess…" he choked out.

Jess stood up quickly and walked over to him. The ring box clattered to the floor. "I'm sorry, Ben," she murmured. "I underestimated you." Ben just nodded and put his arms around her, holding her as tightly as he possibly could without hurting her. He wasn't going to let her get away again.