3rd Eye: X-Files Xmas

Mulder crouched in the lee of the snow ridge, face like a Gibbon with haemmorhoids. Above his head a freezing wind blasted the Arctic landscape, driving any creatures on the surface to seek shelter where ever they could. Unless they had to share a tent with Scully, Fox thought miserably.

An hour ago she had asked if he thought the Arctic survival suit she was wearing made her look fat, he had explained how many cultures including the Eskimo considered a fat woman to be a beautiful one, and in the current climate a higher percentage of cellulite was a definate plus when it came to survival.

She had thrown him out into the developing blizzard.

So now he crouched here, avoiding the worst of the storm and considering how the hell they came to be way up here at the north pole….

It had been a typical Washington DC winters morning. Cold and slushy. Mulder was in his basement office, kicking the radiator when a tall gorgeous blonde, whose legs were as long as her skirt was short, knocked and entered his office.
"Foxy-woxy, Mr Skinny-winny wants to see you in his office right away."
"Thankyou Tammy-wa…Thankyou Tammy," Fox gave up trying to coax heat out of the heating system and pausing only to eat a packet of sunflower seeds, he made his way up to Assistant Director Skinner’s office.
Ass. Director Skinner was not happy. He glared at the file on his desk until he couldnt bear to look anymore, so he glared at the picture of him and Monica Lewinsky at that frat house party back in ’87, "Monica you bitch, I bet you knew all along, and didn’t tell me," He muttered under his breath.
"Didn’t tell you what sir?" Scully asked.
Skinner looked up startled, he reached out and put the photo of Monica face down, it knocked over the full length photo of President Clinton that was also on his desk, the picture of Monica now had her face buried in the crotch of the smiling president. Skinner remembered he had to call Kenneth, see if he could organise any video footage in time for Christmas in two weeks.

"Scully, Mulder, you have dealt with some strange and terrible cases in the past." The two agents nodded.
"Yes sir," Scully said.
Mulder piped up excitedly; "Say Scully, remember that time we encountered the-"
"Not now Mulder,:" Scully replied. Her partner descended into silence.

"As I was saying, agents, it has come to my attention that a conspiracy is being woven against this fine nation. A conspiracy so dark and abhorrent, that I can’t bring myself to talk about my experiences in the Vietnam war during this briefing."
Mulder and Scully both sighed with relief.

"Perhaps you could tell us more sir? About the case?"
"I see they finally got you a bigger desk sir." Scully said.
"What?! Speak up!" Skinner called.
"I said…Oh never mind."
"Ah, Sir? This file is a report that you yourself sponsored on the validity of the myth of Santa Claus."
"You’re damn right Mulder." Skinner said proudly.
"May I ask why sir?"
"Well Mulder, its like this. Christmas is coming, and that fat jolly fellow in the red suit is going to be coming down the heating ducts and fire escapes of appartments and condominiums of people all over the western world. Now I was in a meeting yesterday with the all male cabal of shadow figures who are at the center of all the conspiracies in the world and one of them had the gall to suggest that Father Christmas does not exist."
Scully raised an eye brow, Mulder preoccupied himself with his cellphone, it hadn’t rung in the last 10 minutes so he turned the power off and then on again. Checking it carefully for any problems. "Naturally I smelled something stinky, and I have risked my career and gold coloured watch in 15 years to uncover the truth."
"Uh……I see," Scully said slowly.
"But, it would seem that They have gotten to my researchers first, manipulating the evidence, silencing those who know the truth, for you see the report concludes that Santa Claus is a mythological figure, originating from several possible real life people from the early centuries of the current millenium."
"Well….yes sir, that would be right." Scully said carefully.
Skinner looked at her coldly. "Dana, I know you pride yourself on your sceptical cynicism, relying on scientific evidence to prove emperically the phenomena that have beset mankind over the years. But surely even you can see that this denial of the existence of Santa Claus is a complete fabrication? A conspiracy that extends from the shadowy peaks of ultimate world power, down through the corporate levels, right down to the visitors bathroom located within the perimeter of the ground floor lobby of this very building."
Scully opened her mouth to ask how the FBI headquarters visitors bathroom could possibly be involved, when Mulder spoke up; "Your name is Dana?"
"Yes Mulder," Scully said, her attention still on the assitant director.
"I never knew that," Mulder concluded and went back to investigating why his phone still hadn’t rung.

"Mulder, Scully, Im not only ordering you as your superior officer, but as your friend and someone who has been extra good this year. I’m asking you to to investigate this fully. Find conclusive proof of the existence of Santa Claus."
"Sir, Im not sure that such an investigation is a worthwhile use of FBI resources and- Mulder. What are you doing?" Mulder loooked up from where he was lifting Scully’s cellphone out of her suit jacket pocket.
"Hmh?" He grunted. "Oh just testing something." He quickly dialed his number, and breathed a sigh of relief as his cellphone began to ring.

"You leave for the North Pole in one hour. This meeting is now over." Skinner said.
Mulder and Scully walked through the busy hallways of the J. Edgar Hoover building, Scully leading the way. Mulder walked along with his cellphone against his cheek, crooning to it softly.

"Well if we have to go, I guess we go, its not like we haven’t been to the far north before Mulder. But its the middle of winter, its going to be dark up there. Dark and cold. Whiteout conditions, polar bears, and gungho marine radar station operatives who probably haven’t seen a woman in months……and months." Scully trailed off a strange look in her eyes.
"Yes," said Mulder; "They have probably mutated into store window dressers."
Scully stopped and opened a door to an office, it was large and luxurious, medical texts and FBI files were neatly stacked and the in tray was as empty as the out tray was full. Scully walked over to the bar set into one wall, music flowed from hidden speakers, and the leather furniture smelled new and fresh. Fresh falling snow could be seen through the floor to ceiling windows.
"Where are we?" Mulder asked.
"Top floor of FBI HQ. My office." Scully replied, mixing herself a strong bourbon.
"But…But….They put me in the basement…….With no heating." Mulder said petulantly.
Scully grinned into her drink. "Why do you think we never have any of our meetings in my office?"
There was a knock at the door, Tammy entered. Scully looked her up and down and wondered if the Organised Crime Unit could put her in touch with someone who could discretely break Tammy’s perfect legs.
"Mr Skinny-winny said to give you this packagy-wackagy Scully-wully." "Thankyou Tammy-wa…Thankyou Tammy." Scully took the package. She opened it on the chippendale antique oak desk, using her solid silver speculum that was a graduation present from a medical school professor that she had slept with.
Iniside were two return tickets to Greenland, a US department of defence map of the Arctic ice cap (showing all the secret alien bases with human anatomy-compatible toilet facilities), a kitset artificial christmas tree (dismantled)……

……Mulder huddled deeper in the snow. It was getting quite warm now, he had thought being in conditions where the windchill was -65* C would be a lot colder than this. He had been a bit concerned when his limbs went numb, but now he was feeling more comfortable, his entire being suffused with a gentle warmth. Boy he was was sleepy though.

"Muuuuuulder!" Scully’s voice cut through even the shrieking fury of the Arctic storm. Mulder opened his eyes, he had been having a dream about his sister, as always she was being levitated out of the house by aliens. As always he was screaming in horror as he realised that she had a game piece from Risk ™ still clutched in her hand.
Mulder stood up in the snow, the wind died down suddenly and the sky cleared, revealing a brilliant display of Aroura Borealis.
"You alien bastards!!! Bring back my sister!!" Mulder screamed at the Arctic night.
Scully loomed up in the darkness. "Mulder? Dreaming about your sister again?" Scully’s tone was concerned and caring.
"Yes Scully. You know I could never play Risk ™ again after she left that night."
"Thats right Mulder, you were playing it with her the night she dissapeared, the association with that traumatic event must be too painful."
"Well yeah…that and she had one of the game pieces in her hand when they kidnapped her. I couldn’t play the game without the full set.

Scully looked out over the snow, glowing in the starlight. "Well Mulder, according to the GPS, compass, Satellite topography, astronomical charts and that Eskimo seal hunter over there, the north pole is 13 feet 9 and 3/17th inches north of our current position."

"Still no sign of Santa Claus though huh Scully?"
"Still no sign Mulder, and quite frankly I don’t think we are going to see any sign of him. Santa Claus doesn’t exist."
"Scully, there is more to the world than can be explained by science, how do you explain all those presents under the tree every Christmas morning? What you think your mom and dad bought them all and then wrote ‘Merry Xmas from Santa Claus,’ on each gift? Really Scully, sometimes I wonder how you manage to convince yourself of the validity of your theories in the face of such overwhelming evidence."

Scully noticed that Mulder’s hands were shaking. I tremor she recognised as a secondary symptom of withdrawl anxiety.
"Mulder, we have been up here nearly two weeks, and you know for that whole time you have been out of cellphone calling range. How are you holding up?"
Mulder slowly clenched his fists and let them relax as he took several deep breaths. "Im okay thanks Dana how are you holding up?"
"Me? Im fine, what ever do you mean?" Scully said as she shoved her hands into the deep pockets of her Arctic survival suit.
"Well its been nearly two weeks since you last performed an autopsy on anything. Human or otherwise…..You missing the smell of formaldehyde and the feel of a scalpel in your hand? The soft texture of latex gloves?"
Scully licked her lips, a vein pulsed at her temple. "The Aurora Borealis sure are pretty tonight, looks like a huge set of Christmas lights," she said in a strained voice.

Mulder looked up, he had to agree, the Northern Lights were quite something.
"Well, I guess its time to set everything up," he said, checking his watch.
The two FBI agents went to the tent and retrieved the artificial tree Skinner had supplied them with.
Within an hour they had it put together and were almost finished decorating it.

"Mulder, are you sure this is going to work?" Scully said as she passed him the angel.
"Sure it’ll work, its a Christmas tree, its Christmas eve, it has to work." Mulder put the angel in place and the two agents stepped back to admire their work.

"Oh one more thing!" Scully turned and ducked into the tent, reappearing a moment later with a bottle of wine and a large ham. "Just a little appetizer in case he feels peckish," she explained. Mulder wondered how much of Scully was survival suit and how much was Scully.

The two agents left the wine and ham next to the tree and went and sat in the tent, Scully using her finger to make Y incisions in the condensation of the tent walls while Mulder just made beep noises as he rocked back and forth his cellphone cuddled against his ear.

Later in the long Arctic night Scully awoke with a start.
"Mulder!" She hissed; "There’s something out there!"
"I can’t be China, she took China, it was in her hand," Mulder mumbled sleepily.

Scully slipped out of the tent, if Santa Claus didn’t want the ham, then she was prepared to fight any other predators who might be after it.
The agent stood and stretched in the snow, the tent was small and cramped and Mulder’s legs stuck out almost to his knees. Scully stared at his legs for a long moment, wondering why they had never had sex.
She sighed deeply and wondered why they never had sex with anyone, let alone each other.

Scully looked towards the Christmas tree, it glittered in the moonlight, and there was something else……
"Mulder!" Scully yelled, her voice echoing across the Arctic wasteland. She kicked Mulder’s ankle and he snorted awake, fumbling for his cellphone.
"Scully?" He said into it.
"Mulder, come outside quick!" Mulder crawled out of the tent. Scully was over at the tree, he went closer and she stood up. A flat box wrapped in a brightly coloured paper and tied with a ribbon was in her hands.
"This is addressed to you," Scully said. Mulder took the box, and read the ticket.
"To Fox Mulder, Merry Christmas. From Santa Claus."
Dumb with astonishment Mulder tore the wrapping paper off and sat down hard in the snow, it was a boxed set of Risk ™.
Scully opened a gift addressed to her, it was a book; "1000 Autopsies: With a new introduction by Ted Bundy."
"Ooh," she said, "Full color plates!"
Mulder put his new board game aside and picked up the second gift with his name on it. I moment later he had a new extension aerial for his cellphone. He connected it up, dialed and almost wept tears of joy as a voice at the other end said; "At the beep the time will be…."
Scully opened her second present and quickly shoved ‘The Jane Fonda Workout Video’ inside her survival suit before Mulder saw it.

Mulder went to have a closer look at the tree and surrounding area. The ham had been half eaten, the wine bottle was on its side, the cork gone, and the wine had poured out onto the snow before freezing solid. Carefully the FBI agent picked up the bottle, the label said "Shat 0 Corn - Finest Vintage Yellow Wine. Brewed in Nebraska."
Mulder chipped a chunk of frozen wine off the bottle and sucked on it. A moment later he spat it out onto the snow, it was the worst wine Mulder had ever tasted.

He was about to ask Scully what the hell she was thinking buying American wine when a dark shadow passed over head. The two agents stood dumbfounded as a long classically shaped sleigh flew overhead, pulled by eight reindeer, eyes watering in the cold Mulder and Scully were both sure they could make out a large fat man at the reins, dressed in a familiar red suit......

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