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When I grow up I want to be human. I want to break out of this self-absorbed freak and find friendship. Forget about what anyone else thinks. I had it right when I was a child: be myself and don't give a damn what others say. Back then I had friends when I was being myself. Now that I'm trying to please everyone and escape embarrassment, I'm as lonely as a bastard.

Just when I think I'm finding myself, I want to forget about myself. I want to forget who I am, because I don't like that person. I don't like him, because no one else seems to like him. I'm full of myself and void of existence. I want to break out of this empty shell and find "a warm place" to fill. I want to leave this world for awhile and figure out if I'm really living a life of denial. I want to find out what makes others smile.

If I put my best face on, would you think that I’d get the kind of friend I wanted? No, she’d be phony and loving me for being normal. I’m not normal, nor do I ever attend to forfeit my soul and be normal. If there’s a God, I don’t think by creating us in its image, it meant for us to be conservative clones. Why must I continually reassure myself of this knowledge?

I want to know why this planet is so God damned lonely? I’m not normal, but I’m also not so out of touch with reality that no one can relate to me. When you’re made to feel like the strangest stranger in a strange nation, you can’t help but feel God awful.

So how do I put on my best face when wearing my best face is wearing a fake one? I can’t begin to answer that question when I’m not even wearing my face. I want to wear the face of that child; wear my heart on my sleeve and show the world who I am. Only then will I find the familiar stranger.

origin of thought

Jerked away in a convulsion, I felt my grip on reality slip. The future had merged into the past…no more plans of moving to San Francisco and becoming one of "The Beautiful People." I wasn’t going to get that dream job, web designing. I was stuck in this world outside of the physical realm, where I only had pure wisdom to guide me…disconnected from the brain and it’s pessimistic thoughts. I still had my mind, my consciousness, and wisdom. The only things going for me.

I was no longer that animated carcass that was Adam, but I was now consious of its decay that plagued him since birth. The flesh pealing away became vivid in my mind. My mind recalled physical stories of images. I saw myself walking to school, like a zombie, having only gotten four hours of sleep. My head was pounding from the lack of sleep and I couldn’t keep a clear thought. I had found "The Perfect Drug", a way to dull the pain into an oblivion without the chemical addiction. Make my pain waste away like the corpse of the dog I found on my way to school. It had rained last night and the rain had pounded upon the dog’s pathetic buriel mound, pushing the dirt away to reveal furry flesh.

Adam’s Original Sin was eating the forbidden fruit, but this was not the first commandment he could have broken. Before Adam even knew of his fellow humans, the first commandment was: "rule over all the creatures." This mangy mutt was treated like a dung heap. It was going to sit there and decompose. Every day fur gave way to flesh, flesh gave way to muscle, muscles gave way to meat, meat gave way to bone, bone gave way to dirt. Laying on the surface, the invisble hand of death pushed this once dreaming creature right into the ground.

Time meant nothing in my new creation and I saw my empty shell: flesh giving way to bone, muscle, meat, bone, and finally dust. The only thing that remained was my glowing mind that had often been mistaken for the matter that is my brain. My thoughts had wasted away into what they had always been...useless musings on the futility of existence among confined minds. My thoughts decomposed like black paint in the earth and I couldn’t imagine even the strongest weed to find life in my dark soil.

My mind knew true clarity and I was able to set my mind to work on recreating Man in Mind image and not what had become corrupted since God’s Original Thought.
June 19, 1998; 1:10am Fri

dreamin demin

I woke up, fighting dream demons. I became aware of their existence, today. Just think of the Chinese philosopher: "Are we all butterflies, dreaming that we’re human?" That’s what the dream demons want you to believe. I set my alarm for 10am, but I wasn’t conscious of the many times I had snoozed it until 11:30am. Even then the dream demons were egging me on, "Ten more minutes and we swear we’ll end it all nicer than you can possibly imagine awake." I keep listening to them, snooze, snooze, snooze…I lose. Empty promises from decieving demons.

They keep bringing up an image of a ficticious girl I’m running after, but I never can gain any ground on her. The dream’s still pleasant, because I’m able to do something about my loneliness. When I wake, I’ll just be lying there in my bed, doing nothing, but lying still. My mind is extremely active and almost detached in dream state. Here I’m the master of my muse (that’s what the dream demons want me to think). If only I could control these dreams, I could conquer loneliness. It would be real for the eight hours I sleep (out of twenty-four hours, that’s pretty good). But it’s not real, now that I’m conscious and awake, I know that.

As soon as I go unconcious tonight, they’ll have control of my thoughts again and I won’t be able to reason. I’ll be a slave to my muse, having no control. They’ll make me experience things I’ll only have the fleeting remembarance of. All I’ll remember is that feeling of having experienced something great or something awful, without specific memories of images or sounds.

The dream demons can either damn you to hell or send you to heaven, and the only control you have is when you’re consicous. Your Mind is all that matters. The dream demons can only use what you leave them, but you can never leave them.
June 19, 1998; 3:50pm Fri

more human than human

Please tell me that I’m not alone. Have you ever looked in the mirror and really looked? I mean that you look so hard that you can see right through yourself. You look so hard that you suddenily fear yourself. You don’t fear what you’re capable of, but you fear that you really don’t know who the hell you are. You think you have known yourself your entire life, but never once did you think to really study yourself in the mirror. The mirror is like the fire to our prehistoric ancestors. You study yourself in the mirror and bring forth the kind of musings they experienced looking at the depths of the fire. Fire acted as a kind of god to our evolution with our minds developing as they found new things to ponder.

I’m suggesting that you go to the mirror and push our evolution further. Who the hell are you? How do people look at you? Are you just physical with no Mind or Soul? I know these questions sound so obvious, but they take on a whole new meaning when you look in that mirror and become conscious of something deeper in yourself. Your eyes concentrate on your eyes and you’re just pulled in, becoming 100% conscious of yourself. That is when you truly feel naked (even with clothes on). You’re looking into the depths of your soul.

Laugh if you will, but just take my challenge. If you don’t, you will remain in the present human "pinion" state and won’t evolve and be "More Human than Human." Those who shall rule over the pinions and saddistically crack the whip, hoping that one day the pinions will push themselves to evolve from their self-imposed "happiness in slavery."
June 19, 1998; 4:14pm Fri

Mail-Me: AdamNa+ion