Sweet and child-like innocence
Unrealistic, glowing aura of your face
In your sweetness and acceptance
Anywhere beside you is a warm place

The scars you make take time to heal
But my love for you came in an instant
My feelings for you are difficult to conceal
I never want your friendship to be absent

You filled my days with so much fullness
Every hour with you seemingly a year
My time with you is better than the rest
Now that you're gone, I wish you could re-appear

When I'm with you, I've nothing to fear
I now crave you like you with nicotine
But when December 2nd is here
I won't be giving you up so clean

You're everything that I find "perfect" in this shallow
Retching world of drama, nine deaths, and disease
Wherever your dreams lead you, I wish I could follow
Whether I wallow standing or adoringly on my knees


Dedicated to Lauren S., after spending the inspirational
4th (Fri), 5th, (Sat), and 6th (Sun) with her in S.F.

Why can't you end it?
So I can hold you the whole night through
Instead of just wishing you were there

Why can't you end it?
So your bitterness dies with mine
The kindest thing to do

Why can't you end it?
Is it really so hard to see
That I'm in love with you

Your eyes are drawn together from lack of sleep
While I'm, in turn, drawn to your eyes
I store them in my memory just to keep
Them safe from love lost in lies

Your sister, your roommate, your ex, and I'm your only friend
Do I go on with the facade everything's okay?
To afraid to ruin the honor I can't comprehend
Pretending there's nothing more for me to say

After twelve shots of sake, I couldn't believe I let it slip
My belief that you're my soul mate
The truth of this reality I can't seem to grip:
Do you feel the same? Can you relate?

I've never had it mutual
The scale's always-askew
I'm beating God to your soul
Because I was meant for you

I wish you could focus on what's in front of you
I wish to radiate the furthest reaches of my soul
A reflection of everything in you that's right

I wish I could be realistic
And know it wouldn't work out
Instead I choose to pick
That I haven't one, small doubt

I had grown so comfortable with the fact I am alone
I gave up every dream, my heart had grown a stone
But then I found a fountain that turned me into a sponge
Every thought, glance...absorbed, so a person I might become

This day looks very foreign, for I haven't got a friend
I thought she really liked me, but perhaps she just pretends
I haven't got a prayer of finding anything that could compare
To the way she made me feel yesterday when I thought she really cared

It's always nice to see you, Don, because you never ask any questions. –George Harrison
There's something about friendship that there's not much you have to say to each other. –Donovan

Before my play
My heart was protected
Now that my heart's on the table
I could end up lunch
Or leftovers for dinner
Until there's nothing of me left
Left to get over the impossible
Rejected by the only soul I know
No where to go from void

I thought I revealed
Too much, too soon
The moment our eyes connected
At the cinema in shared silence
My staring contest momentarily lost
But the prize lay in her eyes
The revelation of her soul

How do you avoid a crash
But by making out
And taking doubt away
Our bodies grind together
In time and limited in time
A glance at the clock
Gave us our position in this race
I thought I was winning, but was only losing

The cindered shoulder of confused men, seperate from their awe. –Peter Murphy, "Indigo Eyes"

I can't complain
About the pain
Of separation
I laid myself out
On the line
I'm hers,
But I wish
She were mine

Me in her muddled past
That will not last

In a bright future
With only her

I've only been coupled to isolation
How can I compare anything to this?
Twenty nine years is a long time to go
Without the way she made me feel

I wondered why she hadn’t written me
But it’s because nothing applies anymore
The past caught up to her when
I thought we were finally free to feel

For each other what I never dared to dream
I can’t escape isolation that enslaves
Me with shackles and my ideas bear no sound
But why would I want anyone to know how I feel

Drunk with the nectar of submission
I feel nothing more than existence
A loneliness that will not come off
In the narcissism of the harbor, we are lost
Vaster then night, my pride, my threat, my thrust
This is beyond very far, all this is beyond
Is this the final exorcism of an obsession? In the obsession?
Swept clean of the past and its errors, shall we take new roads?
We shall take new roads
Look, lost vast night, tearing and loathing, thrashing without you
To the church of tomorrow, death is the martyr of beauty
Look, here is our runic wreath
Look here!

–Death in June, "Death is the Martyr of Beauty"
Note: It’s eerie how a couple of themes and imagery are
identical, but this song’s always on my sub-conscience.

I’m so melancholy
I can scarcely lift a finger
I sit there lifeless
Staring at approaching orange signs
At the end of the darkest highway

Bowie’s “Heroes” reminds me I’m not
Now I know why people die
From love
It’s not as desperately pathetic
As I once thought it (maybe it is?)

Heartache, just in time
For the Holidays
This is beyond
The winter of my discontent
Now I truly know what Steinbeck meant

–Depeche Mode, “Strange Love”


I can’t stand a fool’s optimism
Yet feel sick in my standard cynicism
Yesterday, I was inexplicably content
Today, there’s only darkness down a tunnel

If I were painted on the
Canvas of my life, I would be
The most insignificant dot
Surrounded by my dark thought

I should have known
No sunshine shines
On a dark planet
The rain might as
Well be acid
Because these tears
Burn with no hope
In sight to relinquish
Out of this silent
Planet came a sound
For two weeks
Of disillusionment
That love was meant for me.

You want the roots of
Love to surround
Your heart and never let
You go. When love
Lets you go, your
Wealth of vegetation
Suffers suffocation
From the strangled grip of
Loneliness’ deepest drought
Met with a winter of
Poisonous snow
That freezes the
Heart, but not the
Feeling.

–Paul Simon, "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes"


I. Physical

I wish my eyes were straight
So I could see pain before it happens

I wish I had a clean shaven face
But I’m too sensitive and my heart’s too soft

I wish I had better posture
So it looked like I believed in myself

I wish I didn’t have Marfans
So this anxiety wouldn’t kill me and my heart wouldn’t break

I wish I saw it coming
When your face was against
Mine and your back arched
Your pelvis into mine that
There was no love

I am the man
Young, lonely
Gone self-reliance

I thought it would be different, because it was:

Better than anything
I’ve ever known
I can’t affect anything
When I’m alone

You’re being mean
And I mean nothing
At least you mean something
I’m nothing without you
Because I’ve never been anything
Without you
With you, I’m everything

My fingers felt a fantasy
Scented with demented dreams
Her eyelids rose like petals
This is heaven, so it seems

I didn’t know a week can crush
Flowers growing thorns
I’m a whore for a lush
My angel with her horns

a face that won't face you

a mouth that once tasted yours

eyes as blue as my blues

fingers that once felt mine

ears that forget my passion

How do you suppress a passion?

A passion that could...
kill the love between friends
leave me without her entirely
extinguish the flames of desire

lead to the end of my only dream