The First Stone

Everyone disinterests me
Like the feeling in the pit of my stomach
That makes me wish to be
Someone healthy and a little more quick

Everyone disinterests me
Like parasites to feed on my thin, white bones,
You cannot see any
With their disinterest they cast the first stones

Adam the Pitiful-Pea-Brain
January 10, 1996; 11:25pm Fri.

You Remember Nothing

I remember hearing
A forgotten whisper of my name

I am as the winds name me
I remember seeing
Backs turning, laying all the blame

I am as the sins blame me
No existence being
When all existence lies in shame

Adam the Time & Place
January 10, 1996; 11:29pm Fri

Every Time I Remember…

I remember a time and a place
When God could do nothing
When God had to turn His face

I remember how eternity stopped that hour
Because he held back
We can now have that Immortal power

Adam the Occupier of Time and Space
January 10, 1996; 11:40pm Fri.

Time & Space

"We start to move and we break the glass. We are showroom dummies."
--Kraftwerk

I occupy space
A glass separates me from the shoppers
I am a mannequin
I am a dummy
People pass by and I’m so marginal
That they
Don’t pay
Attention to me in the least

I occupy time
My hard tan colored skin ages
But none care
None stop and stare
To regard the time we share
Rub hands on glass
As they pass
Going…who knows where?

I occupy time and space,
But how long will it last?

Adam the Still-Life
1-10-96; 11:47pm Fri.

Senses Lost

We’re further from knowing
How to get around in the day
With clocks that go around for us.
Every moment we discard senses
For the decree of the clock.
It is no longer the heart and mind
That determines our Age,
But for the infernal clock
That ticks time away.

We’re further from being
A bat in the dark
Than men were in the Dark Age.
The huge electric lights
Drown out the beauty of the night,
Making a shrouded mystery.
Our eyes cannot focus in the dark,
Because the electric-lights have
Made the night impenetrable.

Like the sins of the fathers
The children of this Age must Pay
But unlike sins,
Bad vision is never forgiven
And God cannot correct us.
Corrective lenses and laser surgery
Will not change the strands of my DNA.
My children shall pay as I have paid.

We shall go along with new inventions
That’ll not forgive us, though we shall always sacrifice.
Now that I have set the stage
Look forward to the New Age.

Adam the Turning-of-the-Page
9-10-96; 8:41pm Tue

Why Try?

I followed a guiding mist
As it mingled, as it twist
Its way into a doorway
Where I wouldn’t have to pay
I dangled my watch before my eyes
Sleepless, my mind begins, denies
That the end is truly nigh
And I plea: "Why, oh, why!?"
Never turning to say goodbye
There’s no one there, why try?

Adam the Purple-Haze
9-21-96; 10:57pm Sat

At Last

Having
Nothing
To bring
I hide
Behind
My ride

Where’s the ticket
To Paradise?
Where’d ya stick it?
I ask you forgive
Me for not
Letting you live

Though, you stopped you
From getting free
There was nothing I could do,
But continue being me

You thought you were you
Yes, but you were a slave
To yourself—you never knew
The road He once paved

A road through his heart
To the God of future-past
Before eternity could start
The end came at last

Adam the Last-Song-At-The-Dance
(will you have the last dance with me?)
9-21-96; 11:09pm Sat

The Eve of Our Misfortune Came Much Too Soon

The eve of our misfortune
Came much too soon
I pulled my pocket watch out
You made me put it away with a pout
I reamed my hands together
You held them, I wish, forever
I yanked an eye lash loose
You imagined my leaving a ruse
I pulled at my eye brow
You knew the time was now
I combed my hair back with my hand
You pushed me down when I went to stand
I made sure my collar covered my tie
You kissed my lips when I said: "bub-bye"

Adam the Nervous-Guy
9-21-96; 11:24pm Sat

The Truth’s Not So Bad

I tell the truth for sure
When I say, I’ve told one, white lie
I told a girl I loved her
Before I said the truth: "goodbye"

I don’t know why I said
It to so sweet a face
Now my face goes red
As I begin to pace

"Why? Why? Why?"
I ask this again and again
I didn’t have to lie
I, at least, love her as a friend

Adam the Phone-Friend, Silent-as-Dew 9-21-96; 11:31pm Sat

A Big Whoopty-Dew
Or Evaporation

I have as much to do
As a silent drop of dew
I must form myself
I must find my niche
And gather together
With other bits of dew
So that when the sun
Comes, the son will
Lift us away in the air

Adam the Little-Drop-of-Do
9-21-96; 11:36pm Sat

Full of Stardust

But you’ll never know the hurt I suffered
Or the pain I rised above
And I’ll never know the same about you
Your holiness or your kind of love
And it makes me feel so sorry
--Bob Dylan, "Idiot Wind"
Blood on the Tracks

I have not, yet, begun
To shine as bright as the sun
I’m still just a moon
Having formed craters too soon
Although, I’ve come very far
From the nights spent as a star
I finally fell to earth
My mother had me in birth
It took so long to rise again
Above the cloud of star-rain
To build up this soul of mine
To rise again, forever, to shine

Adam the Power’s-Above-the-Pain
9-21-96; 11:42pm Sat

ASay

I rather sip
Friendship
Then to skip
Ahead to loneliness

9-22-96; 12:28pm Sun

More than a Friend

As I pause to think of you
My world unfolds into sorrowful-blue
My heart lies there within the pain
Washed over with wave after wave
As I stop to think upon it again
I cannot find the truth that could save
This friendship we share
I know when it comes to an end
You won’t think I care
I just couldn’t be more than a friend

Adam the Friendship-End
10-5-96; 7:09pm Sat

No Need to Cause Alarm

I want so much to hold you in my arms
But there’s no need to cause alarm
Because if you could only see from another point of view
You might understand why I’m so in love with you

11-16-96; 10:08am Sat

Emergence of Memory

His head emerges from my grandmother’s quilt, like the head of a tortoise from a shell. He checks northeast, he checks northward, and looks over his shoulder to San Jose and lays his head towards San Francisco with the only thought of what he sees is me.

11-16-96; 2:54pm Sat

The Perversion of Love

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
--1 Corinthians 13:3-8

Love is cliché,
love is tragic.
It is demanding,
it is easily upset,
it heaps burning coals on my head,
and the LORD is the only one
to reward me for the perversion of love.

If I have not the world’s love,
I perhaps gain everything.

12-8-96; 5:34pm Sun

Satisfied Soul Denied (backwards): Take 1

Everything of my existence denies
That existence that perceives
Through my perverted hazel eyes
Doubting everything It sees

Its feelings of being cold and hot
Not knowing existence outside
That existence of pure thought
Darkened by the daily sins I must hide

And I think I can blow my soul off
But my conscience is clouded with guilt
Cigarette smoke annoying me enough
To think of the foundation life is built

If living this life is our only goal
What will be left after you do what you please
Life keeps looking at us through a hole
It does not doubt what it sees

Adam the UnPlanted Tree
2-9-97; 12:00am Sun

Dine Alone

There, you have the half that is me
And the half that is what you see
I’m what ever you think the better
Leave me on a line…forever to sever
Or lain out to dry
This line to die

Adam the LeftOverLine
2-9-97; 12:07pm Sun

MeTaFor

Adam the Coin in the Cup
2-11-97; 11:28pm Tue

Making Love’s not Making Up

"Everyone’s either making love or else expecting rain."
-Bob Dylan, "Desolation Row" Highway 61 Revisited

I asked this girl, not long ago
I asked her if she loved me, so
She said: "No, I want to take it slow"

I said: "Yeah, but it’s not like making love"
Without warning she struck me with her glove
She asked me "What were you thinking of?"

The song in the background makes me think of rain
As I felt my cheek, where I felt that searing pain
She lifted her glove, as if to strike again

I grabbed her supple wrist
And gave it a little twist
To show her I was pissed

Her teeth they bore like vicious jaws
I knew love didn’t have this many flaws
So when I let her go and turned, I did not pause

Adam the CareLess
2-21-97; 12:57am Fri

Mind Out of Time

My mind is caught in knots
And I cannot straighten out
I cannot speak, can only shout
That girl left me with so much doubt

I should keep looking, there's lots
Of girls "with heads mixed up like mine"
Can't focus on what's ahead when I'm so far behind
My brother wasn't married until he was twenty-nine

7-29-97; 9:17am Tue

Alone, alone, alone

7-29-97; 9:17am Tue (probably around this date and time)

Matter that Matters

Abide by the rules of the ruined moon
Tear away and share me with no one
Can’t come one step closer to me
Or I’ll just turn around and run

You can’t get to my empty thoughts
When my life is taken up and full
I don’t know what it’s like to have
Any interest in a sunken changeless soul

I wish I was collected in someone’s arms
And not left in the wind to scatter
All is facade in the face of Adam
In the face of life for that matter

11-12-97; 2:11am Wed

You as a Guide

Take me toward your house
Lead me like I was blind
Trying to see your Self
But you're too hard to find

If I found it on my own
It would be dark inside
And I would be all alone
Because you would just hide

I don't want to be in you
Without you as a guide

12/15/97; 1:40am Sun

My Four Leaf Clover

When I find true love
I want something show her
A photograph of
Forever-Fritz, My Four Leaf Clover

What's important about me
After I get to know her
She'll eventually see
Forever-Fritz, My Four Leaf Clover

Down, sadness sleeps
When he lays in the ground below her
Buried in my heart, it keeps
Forever-Fritz, My Four Leaf Clover

12/15/97; 1:51am Sun

Dire-On Begun

Dire-on
Begun

This world
cannot
be fun
Made up of truth
that's merely
home-spun

Where your soul's
always lost and
knowledge can't be won

Dire-on
Begun

12/15/97; 1:56am Sun

Hide

As good as I've been to you
Honey, I've always been true
You don't believe me
So you're going to leave me
What else can I do?

I could have followed you every time you went outside
I could have seeked out the place where you hide
Down those hotel halls of wooden doors
You found mine, why couldn't I find yours?

Even if you had me by your side
The entire day long and all night
You'd still think of a reason to hide
Even though I'm never out of sight

12/15/97; 2:00am Sun

It Won't Let You

I wish
I would
Have walked
With you

Through those
Dark death valleys
Off the prim-rose
Path into dumpster alleys

When thoughts
Were wasted [on peers]
Of wicked-words
On lying mirrors

I want to read as your pen bled
The tears that won't forget you
I want to change the past much as you do
But I know it won't let you

12/15/97; 2:10am Sun

Pour Your Thoughts

Pour me your thoughts
Don’t stop up the bottle of your thoughts
I know they’re precious
But so are you and you can’t cover that up for long
I can already see into you
I know you enough to know you need to open up
I’m just like you and I’m
Speaking to you as much as I speak to myself

Pour thoughts from stopped bottles
Thoughts just as visually precious as you
Together, we might as well speak openly

You have so much to hold back
But there’s something you lack
Look inside and you’ll see
You’re empty until you’re free
I need you, like you need me

12/19/97; 1:20am Fri

More than Anyone

Why commit me to memory?
I’m already a fading memory
In your world of twists and turns

The bridge of our friendship
Is only one board in length
It’s the only thing that burns

I want you in my life more
Than anyone else before

I cannot commit a crime
And get closer to you
When I know it’s all on you

You could have been
My closest friend
You’d be the only thing that’s true

I wanted you in my life more
Than anyone else before

12/19/97; 1:30am Fri

How Will I Know…?

Is she the one?
How will I know when
I’m always on the run?

Do her eyes beckon?
How will I know when
I can only look a second

What can hugs be?
How will I know when
She hugs everybody?

Is there anyone else for her?
How will I know when
I don’t know if fate for us is sure?

Her and me—would she try it?
How will I know when
I’m so shy and too quiet?

Who’s her family? Her kin?
How will I know when
I don’t know how to begin?

After high school, will she stay?
How will I know when
I don’t know what to say?

Can I tell what makes me want to burst?
How will I know when
I can’t even get to the small talk, first?

Is she more than a friend?
How will I know when
She’s right behind me and
I just look around and pretend
I don’t know where she’s been

12/20/97; 1:08am Sat.

Dear Mrs. Biginton or
I Want You Framed

12/20/97; 1:18am Sat.

I’ve Got You on My Mind

I want your head on my shoulder
Our mind on one level

I want your eyes inches from mine
Our emotions—motions that are one

I want your body beside me
Our love heading in one direction

I want your head in my hand
Our fingers intertwined
I want you to understand
I’ve got you on my mind

12/20/97; 1:35am Sat.

Tear it Apart

I want you to know I have you to thank
For collecting my thoughts in you
I want to break you open like a bank
So I’ll have something to rummage through

Focused forever on your every motion
You’re graceful, yet pummeling movement
Causes me to be swept away in emotion
I yield—no longer metal that can’t be bent

I feel the sea that is your hair
Trickle down upon my skin over my heart
You’ll always be beating there
But now that it’s broken, don’t tear it apart

12/21/97; 1:12am Sun

Adam Had ‘em

Adam had ‘em
now he has lost ‘em
you’ll ne’er know
how much it cost ‘im

Adam had ‘em
only now he remembers ‘em
when’d it happ’n
what’s the foul month? december’s when!

Adam had ‘em
now wishes he had ‘em
he’d be glad then
not havin’ known again

Adam had ‘em
now he has lost ‘em

12/21/97; 1:23am Sun

Heavens Rain Stars

Why is it so cold right before the dawn?
Why does the sun rise just behind your eyes?
What keeps those bright lights on?
What keeps you from breaking the vows you’re continually making?

The clouds start to break in me every time you’re taking me
With you into that marvelous blue, beautiful sky
I hope you love me, because of me
And not because you’re training for the next guy

All I want to do in life is be with celestial you
I want your orbiting body in all its complexity
Don’t lose our love in a black hole—keep it eternal like your soul
If the Heavens rain stars, I want our love to always be

December 27, 1997; 11:31pm Sat

DieYearnal

di*ur*naladj.
 1. Relating to or occurring in a 24-hour period; daily.
 2. Archaic. A diary or journal.

Can’t stop worrying about you 1998
There was once a time that I didn’t have to worry
I could keep you under watchful eye
I saw you every day, but you left me in such a hurry

I tried to send a Christmas card 1996
It came back and said that it was too late to forward
I was looking forward to your reply
That never came—we were friends or hadn’t you heard?

I put together a birthday card 1997
You were going to be nineteen
The stress of giving it made me die
I wish you could have seen

December 27, 1997; 11:40pm Sat.

Tonight We Walk on Water
(or The Allegory of Love)

Tonight we walk on water
We have enough faith in one another to hold us high
The land is shrouded with masses that won’t let you by
The water’s pure and holy, while the land’s dead and dry

Tonight we walk on water
Though the water’s only held Jesus…and Peter too
A leap from the lion’s head, a plunge onto the blue
Lady of the Lake’s Mother Mary, a virgin that is true

Tonight we walk on water
We can kiss each other on the rippling tides of sea glass
Never to deny loyalty like the test Peter could not pass
Our relationship will be first to reach revelations’ ship’s mast
Tonight we walk on water, I hope tonight won’t be the last

December 28, 1997; 12:27am Sun

LaughOutLoud

I remember when you said you were going away
You were over-joyed and I didn’t know what to say
That’s the day my happy-laughter came to an end
You’re the last person I can ever call my true friend

I don’t laugh anymore because I don’t have any reason to
When I laugh, I only stop when I have thoughts of you
All I have is this indifferent mask—this face of facade
And I pray for deliverance before the face of my God

With a world that tells me it doesn’t want my tears
I want to be someone else and feel freed of my fears
Of being the only one who can’t laugh out loud
My expression has been lost in a laughing crowd

Jan. 29, 1998; 11:47pm Thu

Miss Me

In a dark world there are only dark dreams
Envision the religion of the future
In a broken world coming apart at the seams
Souls rely solely on visions that blur

Reality not looking very clear anymore
Senses are shot and lives are lost
I’m looking for peace in a world of war
What is my freedom going to cost

I’m bound to a prison of make belief
I can’t get passed myself into others
If only I were social, I’d find relief
And look to everyone as sisters and brothers

My intentions can be pure as glass
But in a world as screwed up as it is
How can I get anyone to look passed
My shell that no one will ever miss

February 10, 1998; 9:09pm Tue.

NerveUsNess

What am I waiting for?
I can't wait anymore
I want you now and forever
Why can't we be together?

You're a dark beauty like "R" and "A"
One is relatively close and one's gone away
They're out of reach, but so are you
I'm so nervous, I don't know what to do

All I want's your friendship, so there's no need to worry
I wish we were friends now, but there's no need to hurry
I'm terribly lonely, that much is true
I'm so nervous, I don't know what to do

I don't know what it's going to take
To prove that friendship with me's not a mistake
With me, you would find something new
But I'm so nervous, I don't know what to do

When I see you across the way
There's so many things I want to say
I wish there was some way you knew
That I'm so nervous, I don't know what to do

I can't get over you and being shy
If only I could figure the reason why
I don't want to be nervous around you
When you're gone, I'll wish I found you

2/11/98 12-11-98 Wed.

First and Last Girl

You’re starting to show me
That I need to let my colors fly
While you can act phony
Without even having to try

People would hate me even more
If I let the world see the real me
I don’t even know what I’m living for
When I can’t break free from being empty

You’re the first and the last girl
I don’t know why we’re together
I’m the loneliest bastard in the world
That’s why I’ll be with you forever

I know all you’re lies are partly true
You’re trying to change me all the time
Saying my world just too dark for you
But I’m still glad that you’re still mine

2/15/98; 1:36am Sun

If I Weren’t Dreaming, I’d Be Living

If I had to lose something to be myself, I might
Anything to make real this reoccurring dream
Of no longer having an uneventful night
Alone in a world—how dumb I must seem

If I weren't so shy, the waters could be tested
I want to dive right in and find a friend
But in the day I can look so disinterested
And when I try to be myself, I only pretend

If I could tear away this mask of indifference
Revealing a grin and a tear to be redeeming life
It makes so much sense, not to live under a false pretense
When I'm not dreaming, I'm day-dreaming life

March 1, 1998; 1:30am Sun

Loving Dead

Love is a game I play in my head
I want to be with you, but inside I'd be dead

Just because I'm talking to you,
Doesn't mean we're going to make up
I use to dream about you, wishing I could sleep in
Now when I dream of you, I want to wake up

Just because I'm hugging you,
Doesn't mean we're going to make out
I use to yearn the day I could touch you
Now when I think of you, a rash starts to break out

Just because I'm sitting across from you,
Doesn't mean I'm going to eye you
I use to be madly in love with you,
Now just to love you, I have to really try to

Just because the air's clearing between us,
Doesn't mean we should make things hurry
I use to be carefree and anxious about loving you
Now loving you only makes me worry

April 2, 1998; 12:44am Wed.

Hell Below

The chains of marriage are much more appealing
Then this lonely pit of hell in my stomach I'm feeling
Never has my world been so full of light
Everything seemed to be going all right
Until last week when I went from healthy to sick
From this thought not digesting in my stomach
It just sits there burning with desire like controlled ID
She told me to change myself, but I keep it too well hid
I have to keep this hopelessness suppressed
It would be worse if she's already guessed
To know that every subliminal hint of white noise
Turns into a raging fire that burns and destroys
The forest of trust that I've established with kind speech
Love seems so very close, but it's many miles out of reach
She prompts me to a city of confusion on a mission
Of living up to the towering pyramid of her ambition
These are the questions at hand
That I'll never understand:
How I was ever given the chance to know her?
Or how she can even see me so far below her?

May 19, 1998; 12:33am Tue