HU'S ON FIRST? By James Sherman (We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

CHINESE PROVERBS *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Virginity like bubble; one prick, all gone. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS These quotes were (supposedly) taken from actual employee performance evaluations... * Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig. * His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. * I would not allow this employee to breed. * This employee is not so much of a has been, but more of a definite won't be. * Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. * When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. * He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. * This young lady has delusions of adequacy. * He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. * This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. * This employee should go far, and the sooner the better. * Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. * A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. * He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless. * He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. * I would like to go hunting with him sometime. * He's been working with glue too much. * He would argue with a signpost. * He has a knack for making strangers immediately. * He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room. * When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. * If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one. * A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens. * Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. * Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. * Has two brains, one is lost, and the other is out looking for it. * If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week. * If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. * If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. * It's hard to believe that he beat out 100,000 other sperm. * Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 minutes. * He is very modest; he has a lot to be modest about.

HANTA VIRUS A stock clerk was sent to clean up a storeroom at their Pretoria location. When he got back, he was complaining that the storeroom was really filthy, and that he had noticed dried mouse or rat droppings in some areas. A couple of days later, he started feeling like he was coming down with stomach flu, achy joints, headache, and he started throwing up. He went to bed and never really got up. Within two days he was so ill and weak, his blood sugar count was down to 66 and his face and eyeballs were yellow. He was rushed to an emergency room at Johannesburg, where they said he was suffering from massive organ failure. He died shortly before midnight. None of us would have ever made the connection between his job and his death, but the doctors specifically asked if he had been in a warehouse or exposed to dried rat or mouse droppings at any time. They said there is a virus (much like the Hanta virus) that lives in dried rat/mouse droppings. Once dried, these droppings are like dust and can be easily inhaled or ingested if a person is not careful to wash their hands and face thoroughly, or wear protective gear. An autopsy was conducted to verify the doctors' suspicions. This is why you MUST carefully rinse off the tops of any canned sodas or foods, and wipe off pasta packaging, cereal boxes, etc. Almost everything you buy in a supermarket was stored in a warehouse at one time or another, and stores themselves often have rodents. Most of us remember to wash vegetables and fruit but never think of boxes and cans. The ugly truth is that even the most modern, upper class, superstores have rats and mice, and their warehouses most assuredly do as well. Whenever you buy any canned soft drink, please make sure that you wash the top with running water and soap, or if not available, drink the soda with a straw.AND Beers cans with straws as well. An investigation of soda cans by the Centers for Disease Control in Johannesburg uncovered that the tops of soda cans can be encrusted with dried rat's urine, which is toxic and lethal. Canned drinks and other foodstuffs are stored in warehouses and cargo containers that are usually infested with rodents and then get transported to retail outlets without being properly cleaned. Please forward this message to the people you care about.

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean? A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Islamic TV Guide Listings MONDAYS: 8:00 - Husseinfeld 8:30 - Mad About Everything 9:00 - Suddenly Sanctions 9:30 - The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show 10:00 - Allah McBeal TUESDAYS: 8:00 - Wheel of Terror and Fortune 8:30 - The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right 9:00 - Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things 9:30 - Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers 10:00 - Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer WEDNESDAYS: 8:00 - U.S. Military Secrets Revealed 8:30 - When Kurds Attack 9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread 9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone 10:00 - Veilwatch THURSDAYS: 8:00 - Matima Loves Chachi 8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H 9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils 9:30 - My Two Baghdads 10:00 - Diagnosis: Heresy FRIDAYS: 8:00 - Judge Saddam 8:30 - Funniest Super 8 Home Movies 9:00 - Captured Kurds Say the Darndest Things 9:30 - Achmed's Creek 10:00 - No-witness News SATURDAYS: 8:00 - My Favorite Taliban 8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway? 9:00 - I've got a Fatwa 9:30 - Family Ties and Cuts Off the Hands of Infidel Pigs 10:00 - Sesame Goat Path

OZZY OSBOURNE Ozzy Osbourne was once asked by the German music press how he justified biting the head off a dove during a record company meeting. Ozzy's response was "biting the head off a dove? You bastards killed half of fucking Europe!"

AMISH VIRUS You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book. Thank thee.

THE SUPREME COURT RULED THERE CANNOT BE A NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON, DC THIS CHRISTMAS. THIS ISN'T FOR ANY RELIGIOUS CONSTITUTIONAL REASON, THEY SIMPLY HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FIND THREE WISE MEN AND A VIRGIN IN THE NATIONS CAPITOL. THERE WAS NO PROBLEM HOWEVER FINDING ENOUGH ASSES TO FILL THE STABLE

To Be A Republican Things you have to believe to be a Republican today. 1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. 2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. 3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness. 4. "Standing Tall" for America means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India. 5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. 6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. 7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. 8. Group-sex and drug-use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican. 9. If condoms are kept out of schools,adolescents won't have sex. 10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. 11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart. 12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. 13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. 14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. 15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. 16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. 17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. 18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt. 19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s was of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant. 20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

NYC Revised High School Math Proficiency Exam CITY OF NEW YORK - REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM NAME______________________________ GANG NAME________________________ 1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit? 3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? 4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900? 5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? **Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?? 6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet , how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint? 7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up? 8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. if Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one weeks salary? 9) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet" He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and say's, "There's nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are.. my... test... results... back?"

heartwarming story Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time... A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..." Kind of brings a tear to the eye. Doesn't it?

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip- offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history. I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government. I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history. I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election). I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television. I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history. I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and, less than a year later, made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history. I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community. I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in wartime. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends. I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security. I am supporting development of a nuculer "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice. RECORDS AND REFERENCES: All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.