Unknown to the people of this planet known as Earth, a race of beings has existed on earth's neighbor in the solar system, on the red planet Mars. Though these beings are inferior in physical power, they possess great quantities of knowledge. Their appearance is rather grotesque and hideous. They are...the enchanted lowfat cottage cheese dogs from Mars!
One day, the supreme leader of these beings, Otto, called a meeting of the Grand Assembly. "My fellow dairy products," Otto said as he addressed the Assembly, "we have seen how self-destructive the human race is. I believe the time has come to exterminate the human race and put them out of their misery!" "But, Otto, why now?" asked someone. "Hey, this story needs some kind of plot doesn't it," Otto replied.
Weeks later, with all forces ready, the cottage cheese dogs began launching attack crafts. Their destination: Earth. After missing the offramp twice, they finally reached earth.
Their plan was simple. They would go to the door dressed as United Nations Secretary General Boutrous-Boutrous Ghali. When the owners of the house opened the door, the cottage cheese dogs would blast them with a cajun barbecue gun.
Their plan did not go so well when they reached the home of Neil Richards. His wife answered the door. "Honey, it's a cottage cheese dog with a cajun barbecue gun." she said. "Let me see," he replied, "Why, it's lowfat cottage cheese dog luck!" "But I didn't play last week," she retorted. "You're right! It's, it's...An evil enchanted lowfat cottage cheese dog from Mars!" he screamed. He then quickly snatched up an elk and threw it at the creature, squashing it flat.
"How did you know it was an evil alien creature and not something brought up by the lottery people?" "I've read this story before. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, uh, what was I laughing at again?" "The fact that you've read this story before."
"Oh yeah! Hey, wait a minute, that's not funny. But this is!" He then put an automatic transmission in his oven and cooked it at 350 degrees until it was golden brown.
Now back to our story. The aliens now knew that someone knew how to defeat them, by squashing them flat with an elk, so they retreated. While fleeing, Otto had an idea; he would destroy the world by using a potato! He threw a potato in a nondescript river and it mutated into the giant fiery potato of doom! Otto then laughed as he returned back to Mars.
The potato then ran amuck in a neighboring town. It uprooted four skyscrapers and stacked
them one on top of the other lengthwise. It then uprooted another building and placed it
vertically beside the others.
"I got a tetris!" it shouted.
"You cheated!" said the Flying Trout.
"Hey, you're not supposed to be in this!" replied the potato. The two creatures then fought,
leveling most of the city.
And now for a public service announcement: "Did you know that battles between giant potatoes and flying trout caused thousands of deaths last year? Almost all of these deaths could have been prevented if the victims were wearing seat belts. So remember, buckle up."
After the battle was over, the potato stood victorious, but the trout had exploded and turned into a rainbow. Since over half the city had been destroyed, Neil Richards knew something had to be done. He ran to his neighbor's house (his neighbor was a scientist, by the way) and asked him what could be done.
"Extreme cold will vanquish the creature," his neighbor said.
"What do you mean, cold?" Neil asked.
"Boy, you're stupid! You know, cold, like ice or snow!"
"Snow! That's it!!"
Neil ran to the nearest market and bought a beer. He opened it quickly and it began to snow. The cold took its toll on the potato, it changed into a bologna sandwich and flew away, never to be seen again. Then everyone lived happily ever after, but all of a sudden the universe collapsed and everything was destroyed.
You are cottage cheese dog number
to get a tetris by landing on this site. Hope you enjoyed Evil Doug's story!!!
NOTE: This story has been edited from its original version, but you should get the basic point that Evil Doug is making or should be able to know what he's talking about and why it's funny. Or at least he hopes so. Commercial products and people are included in the original version that we wish to keep out of the real world as to not get Evil Doug in any trouble. But, if you remember TV shows and commercials and actors, it should all make sense.
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