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It came to pass in the year of aardvark burnings that our emperor Bubba III bought
a fine cabinet from a band of merchants. Contained therein was was a cache
of charcoal. This puzzled Bubba.
"What fer did y'all putest charcoal in yonder cabinet there?" inquired Bubba.
"'Tis not charcoal, your majesty! 'Tis your new cloak. A truly fine cloak, if I may say so!" replied the merchant.
"A cloak?" said Bubba as he lifted a lump of coal to his face. "But how'm I s'pposed to wear charcoal? It's just a buncha rocks 'n' stuff?"
"By hot glue and roofing tacks, of course."
"I ain't not too sure about this."
"Come now, your highness. Your public will adore your new raiments, just try them on and parade through the streets."
Bubba, being of trusting personality and weak mind, agreed.
The next day, Bubba passed through the streets in a thick layer of charcoal. However, he caught fire as he smoked his pipe and was consumed by flames. Seeing that he was stupid, Bubba's subjects dropped a giant blue whale from a high place. They then began a great rebellion. The time of chaos lasted many score years.
After a season, there came a warrior from the east. He travelled from the faraway land of Roanoke. In Roanoke, he had learned the art of Spackle from many Spackle-Masters. But when Roanoke sank beneath the sea, he became a wanderer. He came to our land in the night. We called him Margarine for he did not eat butter.
In these days, the streets of our kingdom were sights of many battles. They were also the places where much baking took place. Blood mingled with flour and cinnamon covered our streets. It was in one of those streets that Margarine beheld a great mass of butter.
"These barbarians!" he cried, "Butter in the streets!" He then went forth to kill all the rebels in the land.
After many skirmishes with rebel forces, the rebel leader requested a peaceful meeting with this warrior caled Margarine. He saw Margarine as the destruction of his new kingdom personified.
"Margarine must die lest I lose my power!" he cried. "I will kil him for I am Towel, the Absorbant One."
And it came to pass in that day that Margarine went to hear the counsel of Towel. He arrived at the castle at the corner of 75th and Maine riding atop a great white Buick and with him came the legion of Granola. He met with Towel accompanied by the Granola Elder known as Mapsi-Boodle. This council sat in the great laundry room of the castle in order to appease Roast Beef, the god of the softener of fabric; and their garments became clothesline fresh.
"I bring gifts of apple cider and home-fried potatoes," said Margarine.
"These are good omens," replied Towel, "we shall talk of peace between our peoples. The group then feasted on the home-fried potatoes.
Suddenly, one of the men from the Legion of Grenola stormed in lamenting "Servus, Servus! Wo sind die Granatapfeln?" In the German tongue, this means, "Hello, Hello! Where are the pomegranates?" Margarine became enraged and slew everyone in the room with his magical spinning wheel. He then melted to the ground, screaming, "Hominy!"
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