-------THOUGHT ARCHIVE-------
One year, I saw this giant scorpion attacking a Christmas tree. I took an axe and slew the beast. I was then visited by the ghost of the scorpion. It was then that I realized the true meaning of Christmas...giant scorpions, trees and killing. Yep, that's about the size of it.
You'd probably think that because flannel is such a good thing and peanut butter is such a good thing, that any combination of the two would be likewise worthy of greatness. But later, in between coughs and gags, you'd think that was a stupid idea. That's pretty much the story of life in short.
If I were a supervillain, I'd probably eat a lot of corn flakes. Then, no matter how evil I get, people will always say, "Yeah, but, man does he love his corn flakes."
Sometimes, I go out looking for the right girl. A girl who wants a man who's sincere. A girl who wants a man that will be loyal. I want to find a girl who wants to be with a guy who just wants to sit around and talk. A girl interested in a genuine, wholesome guy. And when I find this girl, I'll punch out the sissy boy she's with and steal her away because, man, he sounds like such a wimp!
If I could build a rocketship that could go anywhere in the universe, I'd probably fly everywhere in reverse. Then when people asked me why, I'd just laugh at them and zoom off backwards because, ya know, some people are just stupid.
A lot of people believe that President Roosevelt stated a great truth by saying "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." But, had a fleet of intergalactic space cruisers descended on Washington right after his address and started blowing things up, I bet he'd have looked rather silly.
When managing your money, it's a good idea not to go around buying things that are plagued by a curse. Sure it sounds like a great deal, and the house is in a nice neighborhood, but, there's just some stigma that goes with the word "cursed" that makes you seem all spooky. Nobody wants to be referred to as "Oh, you know old Bob, he lives in the CURSED house down the street."
I like to play games with children. Sometimes I tell them that I'm a super hero and that I can fly. When they ask me to prove it, I tell them to give me a dollar first. When they give me a dollar, I run away really really fast. I love that game because I usually win.
If I were selling snake oil, I'd probably give it a better name like "Snake-o" or "Snake-tastic" because, man, that stuff's hard to sell!
When I count the happy things in my life, I like to make things up. Today, my happy things include a nice home, a really big bottle of chocolate milk, and a box of chocolate covered pretzels that I don't have to share.
I like asking people for a dollar. Sometimes they say, "What's the dollar for?" So I tell them that it's for my brother's kidney surgery. They say they sympathize. Then I tell them I was just lying and that they're stupid. Then I ask them for a dollar again.
Sometimes, I think of myself as a real ladies man. Because when I kiss a woman, they usually say "I love you!" to me. It's just they say "I love you" in some language that sounds like "You ugly little rat, I'll kill you! You sick freak!"
You know, I'd really like to run this country. Some people might say, "Presidents don't pretend to be Spiderman at NATO summits," or "President's don't wear really big diapers in public." Boy, would I prove THEM wrong.
One time, before spanking me, my dad told me, "This is going to hurt me more than it does you." Actually, he thought it was kind of funny the way I cried and cried. So I guess it didn't hurt him that much after all.
If life gives you lemons...make lemonade. If life gives you a basket of kittens, juice'em and make kittenade. But if life gives you a box of chalk, look life in the eye and say, "Mix your own drinks, life! I don't see a ring on this finger!"
A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush. But if you try to roll the bird up in cigarette paper and smoke that puppy, you're probably not gonna get a buzz.
Sometimes, my dad would break my toys and say, "Daddy doesn't love you!" Then my mom would say, "That wasn't nice to say." "You're right," he would tell her, "I was very insensitive." So then then he'd say, "Please...daddy doesn't love you....thank you."
When I was young, I thought that Satan followed me in hopes of doing bad things to little kids like me. Later, I found out that was just my Uncle Merton who liked to dress up like Satan and do bad things to little kids like me.
I don't feel bad about stealing stuff. I feel bad about stealing cheap stuff. Because, man, if you're gonna violate your parole, do it with class.
Funny is when you stand outside your neighbors house on Valentine's Day holding a bucket cattle hearts in one hand and a dozen long stem roses in the other. And funny is when the woman comes out and says, "Go away, you sicko, or I'll call the police." And funny is when you throw the hearts at her, screaming, "I love you! Why won't you love me?" But funny isn't when the cops show up and beat you about the face with their clubs while you whimper and bleed. Love hurts...
Sometimes, I can't help but think, "MAN! I hate stuff!" But, then I think, "It's wrong to hate..." So, to resolve my philosophical dilema, I just clutch my rifle in my hand and get fall down drunk. When I finally come around on the next day, I realize that anyone I did not kill in my drunken stupor must have divine protection. So I don't bother them anymore. The rest must have been witches and sorcerers and got what they had coming to them.
When I get old, I hope that my family won't strap me in a chair, put me in a small room, lock the door, turn out the lights, and slide my food through a small hatch in the wall like they do now.
One time, I took this big box of soap, and stood on it. Then people said, "Hey, get off of that soap box!" I replied, "Shut up, you soap loving freaks! What's wrong, do you like soap, ya soap freaks! I bet you like soap!" Then they say, "Just chill, man! Just don't want you standing on soap." Then I said, "Yeah, I thought so!"
If I had a dollar for every time I belched in public and then said, "Whew, buddy! That was a stout one there, ay ol' chap?" I'd be a fairly wealthy man...but I'd still be an ill mannered lout. However, I'd be a well respected ill mannered lout due to my wealth. People would probably say, "Hey, there's the rich burping guy!" and then ask for my autograph. I'd just burp and say, "Sorry, kiddo." Then vomit on them. They'd be pleased and say, "Thank you, sir, you're so kind." Then I'd say, "Yes, I know," and burp and move on.
Sometimes it hits me..."Hey, I need money!" When this happens, I usually go sell blood to the hospital. Then, just to be an all around nasty person, I drop the bag of plasma on the floor and say, "OOPS! Clumsy me! Guess you don't get any blood today." Then I take my money, cookies, and orange juice and run. Boy, do they hate that.
A friend once told me, "Sometimes, it's not what you do but what you don't do in life that brings the most severe consequences." I think he's right, because just the other day I took a large axe handle and swung with tremendous velocity towards my friends head. Had I said, "Hey, Karl, I'm going to swing this big stick at you. You had better duck!" he would probably still be alive today, and his kids wouldn't be crying to me all of the time saying, "Why'd you kill daddy, why'd you kill daddy?"
One time, I had this dream that my Uncle Merton's head cracked open in the back and these three serpents came out and kinda stood there. When I woke up, I found that this was true. From then on, Uncle Merton had to walk around with these three snakes coming out of the back of his head. People would ask, "Hey, why do you have serpents coming out of your head." And, not seeing them since they're in the back of his head and out of his line of vision, Uncle Merton would reply, "What serpents?"
When you're making a health drink using a pureed endangered spotted owl, it's advisable to use baby spotted owls. The larger adult spotted owls tend not to fit entirely in the blender.
Just the other day, I saw Santa eating some live kittens. I said, "Hey, Santa, what gives. What's with the eating of kittens?" He said, "You gotta problem with it kid? Huh, I thought not. Now go back to yer momma before I have to kill you and steal your soul, for I am SANTA THE ARCHFIEND, NYA HAHAHAHAHA!" I took his advice, but from that day on...I keep a fire burning in the fireplace to keep the bad, bad boogey Santa from getting me.
Sometimes, I think, "Man, dolphins are smart. I'd bet if they had opposable thumbs, they'd rule this planet. Then they'll put us in tanks and make us jump through hoops and go 'squeak, squeak, squeak.'" Then I realize that by the time dolphins evolve an opposable thumb, man will probably have evolved a second thumb on each hand and would thus be more opposable. Yep, we'll stay at the top of the food chain for a few more millenia.
It occurs to me that it would be an intelligent investment to buy a hundred boxes of macaroni and cook it. Then put it out in a large glade near your house. Then, as days go by, you keep adding on to your stack of macaroni with additional surplus macaroni. Then, when your neighbors find you in their living room in the middle of the afternoon licking the wallpaper because you think it tastes like apple juice, they won't rebuke you. They'll just say, "Eh, that's just the crazy macaroni man from down the street. He doesn't know any better."
Sometimes, if the weather is just right, you can stare out into the stars and see them twinkle and twinkle and twinkle and twinkle. But sometimes, they kinda make little shapes and then you realize that they're not really stars, but instead alien space craft. Yes, alien space craft full of little grey men with probes and lasers that have come to take me from my rooftop again. But I keep ready now. When I look at the stars now, I keep a shotgun by my side. Yep, buddy. They ain't gettin' me for a second time.
When Christmas time rolls around, and Santa starts asking, "Have you been a good boy all year?", I like to carelessly drop a severed human arm out of my jacket and say, "Oops, I thought I left that back in the cavern. Guess I really look silly don't I, Santa? Well, I've been a very good boy and I want a chainsaw, a large axe, and a barrel embalming fluid for Christmas." Then I kinda cackle madly for a few seconds and say, "I'm jolly!"
I think we should paint a huge picture of an alien on the surface of the moon. Then we should draw a big red slash through it. This would show any aliens out there that we mean business down here on earth. Yeah, buddy!
I think it'd be kinda ironic if mankind created a giant machine that looked like a lobster that took over the world. But I also think that before that day comes, we should create a giant machine that destroys giant lobster machines. This machine should probably look like a lobster, too.
I think it would be pretty cool to rent a huge vintage B-19 and fill it with salt. Then, I'd take the cargo of salt and dump tons and tons of the white crystaline solid on some house in the suburbs. Then the owner would have to call in to work the next morning and say, "Hey, boss. Sorry. I can't come in today. Some idiot done went and dumped forty-three metric tons of salt on my house." That'd be nifty.
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