-Never shave your head using scissors made of Play-Doh, it makes both you
and the parents who raised you look dumb.
-Put your toilet paper in a big iron box and seal it, that way if there's
a flood, your paper may be under water and inaccessible, but dry
nonetheless.
-Do shave your head with scissors made of Play-Doh to show the world your
parents really messed up somewhere in raising you.
-Eat coffee straight from the jar.
-Ask your college chemistry professor if he'll take the class on a field trip to the zoo to "see the pretty horsies."
-Build sandcastles in your back yard and tell your neighbors your moving
in as soon as the Zoning Commission approves the structure.
-Shampoo, rinse.....if the Play-Doh doesn't come out, repeat.
-Bake.
-Never give a pet alligator athletic shoes. Those things are dangerous
enough as it is!
-Feed your goldfish a pound of bacon at least once a year, it helps
promote the ability to track and kill underwater swine.
-Tell your parents that you don't know how the Play-Doh got in your hair,
but you'd be grateful if they'd take you to the Barber.
-Lie occasionally...and, on occasion, incessantly.
-Sample the "free" grapes in the supermarket. And while you're there, try
the "free" candies too.
-Wear a hat to conceal your newly cut bald spot and remaining Play-Doh.
-Stare at the sky. When people ask why you're doing that, tell them it's a game and that they can't play.
-Dig holes in your neighbors yard and bury large rocks there, when asked
why, say that they're for a big "Rock Tree Grove" you're starting.
-Steal. Not because you have to, but because of the novelty in
conversation to say, "These socks are stolen goods."
-Wallow in self pity. Then wallow in pity for others. Then, pity the
fools, because they never get a break in this world.
-Congregate.
-Start a ranch for the express purpose of being empty. Call it an "empty
ranch" and allow no livestock on the premises.
-After the hair grows back, try the Play-Doh thing again.
-Tell your friends you hate them. Then tell them you don't. Then tell
them your going away with your real friends in space. Then laugh.
-Build a bomb shelter and continually go out back and scream, "incoming"
to frighten the neighbors.
-Never buy pets and then release them. As most pet stores are in the high
traffic business district, they wouldn't get very far.
-Dogs have no legs. They really hover three feet above the ground and
they're 'legs' are really holographic projections. Moral: Don't trust
dogs.
-Get married...then in public, refer to your spouse as "Some crazy person
who follows me. I'm really single."
-Don't get married...and complain to everyone how you hate to go home
because your spouse nags you too much.
-Tell total strangers that you're leaving them for a millionaire and
you're filing for divorce.
-Shop daily...not for food stuff...or even clothing...but for tires.
-Tell mom and dad that it's not Play-Doh, but styling gel.
-Eat big cookies and drop crumbs everywhere at improper venues such as
the funeral home or the opera.
-Tell your spouse that they can't cook as good as your mother. Then duck
really really quick.
-Never turn off the TV...it's a crime in some nations.
-Turn your TV off and on repeatedly for that "strobe effect."
-Try weak hydrochloric acid to get the Play-Doh out of your hair.
-Stare at your neighbors and assure them that whatever they're doing is
wrong, both morally and schematically.
-Take your parents out to dinner...but by them Happy Meals and declare,
"Not so much fun when you bought them for me, EITHER!"
-Cry...at inappropriate times and places just to see who tries to comfort
you and who says, "Shut up ya freak!"
-Sing...loudly...in public bathrooms...while dancing feverishly.
-Buy tropical fish, put the bowl in a cage, and continually refer to them
in front of your friends by saying "Polly want a cracker?"
-Give Christmas gifts in April. But make sure the gifts are only socks
and cologne. It wouln't be like Christmas any other way.
-Have Thanksgiving dinner at 3:00 am...on the first Tuesday of April. It
gets you in the spirit to give those April Christmas gifts.
-Put up Halloween decorations year round...but only on your car. Then
circle the neighborhood twice a day honking the horn.
-Weld.
-Never listen to your brother. If anyone thinks they can get away with
lying to you...it's your brother.
-Life is like attention deficit disorder...I like turtles.
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