I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD MISS RICHARD NIXON

Could you drive better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

8 out of 10 voices in my head say "Don't Shoot"!

I am still missing my ex... but my aim is getting better.

If GOD is not a Denver Bronco fan...then why are sunsets blue and orange?

If you can't say something nice about someone....come sit by me.

Be Nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.

HUKD ON FONIKS WERKED FER ME!

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

When I die, I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

CAREFUL!

I'm not wearing clean underwear.

Visualize Whirled Peas

Eliminate Inbreeding..ban Country Music

(hey I like country music)

PMS?

Hell this is one of my better days.

Iwant to be just like Barbie...

that BITCH has everything...

I am going Nuckin Futs.

Don't piss me off...I am a candidate for road rage.

I have been on my diet for a month...so far the only thing I have lost is 31 days.

Horn broken-Watch for finger.

Dr.Kervorkian can fit you in next Monday.

Husband and dog missing..reward for dog.

Potential Bumper Stickers -A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

-This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

-Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

-Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

-And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

-See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

-A PBS mind in an MTV world.

-Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

-Adult child of alien invaders.

-I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

-Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

-I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

-A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

-Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet

. -One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

-I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

-I work 40 hours a week to be this poor

. -Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

. -How do I set a laser printer to stun?

-It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

-I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

-I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

-Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

-Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

-You! Off my planet!

-Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

-If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

-If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

-I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

-I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

-Earth is full. Go home.

-Meandering to a different drummer.