Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If you strap a slice of buttered bread to a cats back.. and tossed the cat off the countertop.. which side will land on the floor?
Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
Police toilets stolen! Officers have nothing to go on!
Do you ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living.
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
If you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.