This is the story of all the collective negative incidents that happened to me while I was one of JW's. These things are what ultimately reduced my confidence to zero and made me decide to leave without fear of the reprocussions of losing quite a few friends....

I'm usually native to AOL, so I have a habit of visiting the chatrooms every now and then. I remember the days when I would stay up all-hours trying to defend the Society.... Of course, many of my so-called spiritual "brothers" and "sisters" could only resort to childish insults and systematic "shunning." Even as a publisher in good standing, I disapproved of such behavior.... When I told them off, they weren't very happy, either. Well, anyhow, this didn't have much of an effect on me then. However, it would later be one of the "straws" that finally broke the camel's back.

What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic.... I seriously thought Internet relationships could work out, but I later found out that it was nigh impossible.... Even so, this story still has me wondering.... I met a sister about a year younger then me from California. She seemed very cheerful at first, although she was a bit ditzy.... :o) Anyhow, we became fast friends. This was back in September of 1997. As time progressed, I really started to take a liking to her.... Well, over the course of our friendship, we got in a few disagreements towards the end of December, each one progressively worse than the other. Even so, they were settled quickly, and they didn't have much of an effect on our friendship. All this while, she was as chummy as could be with me, but I would later find out some very disturbing things.... It turns out that she was leading me on from January until around March, when I finally started to have serious doubts about whether I should continue the friendship. She acted a bit strange from January onwards, and I could tell something was up. I asked her as politely and as gentlemanly as could be if she liked someone else. She of course denied it. I knew for a fact she she was lying, and I decided to discover the truth by asking the brother she was in love with. I asked him politely if they had a relationship going, and of course he was as coy as could be. He didn't tell me anything, though. He just thought she shared the feelings he had for her (what BS). Here's the killer.... I asked him specifically not to repeat our discussion to anyone, but the ba$tard went ahead and told her anyway. He knew exactly what he was doing by revealing what we discussed in confidence.... Well, that situation almost costed me and that sister our friendship, and from then on, I would never trust that other brother again.

Well, after 2 months of mental rape from that sister who was still chummy with me, she finally admitted that she was in love with that other brother. Gee.... Do you think you could have told me sooner? After that, things really went to hell.... She began to act so snotty, it was sickening. She was jealous (why, I'll never know) because she was no longer #1 in my life, and she seemed to look for every little excuse to bicker with me. On top of that, she thought I was hitting on another online friend of mine! Don't get me wrong.... She's as nice as can be, but these things really cast doubt upon her.... On top of that, she had a pretty dark past for someone who was supposed to be so "strong" in the truth.... She revealed to me one night that she had an illicit affair with a "worldly," married man in his thirties for quite some time.... Guess we all have our dark secrets, but who would've suspected something like that? Well, that doesn't make me any better then her, anyhow.... So after her apparent attitude problem, I discontinued our friendship. I did it for good reason, because I later found out that she said some very "unchristian" things about me to that friend who she thought I was hitting on. Just goes to show you how much her "spirituality" was worth....

And then there was my congregation....

I was happy I belonged to a congregation with hardly any turmoil whatsoever. At least there wasn't anything to worry about.... Not too many people, especially my friend, our PO, were especially happy that I was on the Net, but at that time I wasn't researching all the "forbidden" stuff. Well, that wasn't to say our congregation was without its hypocrites.... My sister and brother-in-law were complete snotrags! She got so jealous that I was making so much progress so quickly within the congregation, that she spread malicious gossip about me to quite a few of the younger people. Funny how she has the nerve to deny it to this day.... One day, I told them that I was a little enthusiastic about starting a Bible study with my dad, but they asked me in the most arrogant tone:

"Are you an unbaptised publisher?"

I had no choice to reply: "No...."

They replied in the most arrogant manner: "Then you can't start a study with him because you have to be at least an unbaptised publisher to do that!"

At that point I felt like throwing hydrochloric acid in their faces, but I just swallowed my pride and sat there thinking to myself: "My God.... What did I do wrong?"

These two were also sticklers for technicalities. For example, not one day went by when I ordered literature at the counter that my brother-in-law or my sister asked me:

"Are you making sure your donations cover the cost of those books?"

Just what I needed.... Even more pressure from the congregation twits.... Well, after a while, I got so sick of their arrogance that I avoided them like the plague.

Now here's what's unusual:

My sister, the ever-so-loyal spiritual sister who's sooo observant of the Society's rules, uses mild expletitives from time to time, drives in a manner that would make her "bloodguilty," and has a few very "unchristian" attitudes on things. Not to mention that she has a personality that would drive the Pope to murder....

Remember my brother-in-law? Well, it turns out that he recently admitted to playing patty cake with another sister in our congregation. Yup, you heard me right. He was cheating on my sister. And of course, who does he choose as a mistress but my very own aunt.... God dammit.... Isn't anything sacred? Heh.... And if that wasn't enough, he mentally raped my sister for over 6 months before she finally smartened up and said the hell with him. The ironic thing is that the two lovers didn't see anything wrong with what they were doing, nor do they now. How sad....

Oh, it gets better....

Remember when I told you about the arrogance I saw in the chatrooms? Well, it was really starting to get me. It became so rampant, that you would end up puking at least 5 times just before you left. We're talking about people who seem like they came straight out of the BORG collective (the Brooklyn ORGanization, that is). These people had absolutely no powers of reason whatsoever. They were stereotypical "proles" straight out of the world of George Orwell. Cygnus can certainly testify to that....

On top of that, my twitty sister has been loafing around our home and sponging off my dad. In addition to being a regular hemmeroid, she occasionally cracks off remarks like:

"Do you wanna die at Armageddon?!?"

"What are you gonna do when Jehovah rams his fist through your body?!?"

Boy, those were very "encouraging" remarks....

And then I snapped....

"No more!" I said.... I'm tired of living a lie, and there's no way I can even think of rejoining Jehovah's Witnesses. I don't hate them, but I very much pity them. For now, I'm saying the hell with religion. If I ever get my confidence in it back, I think I'll join the Quakers. I'd at least have a much higher degree of freedom within that religion....

And so, here I am. As the world puts it, I've been "to hell, and back." In fact, that's actually an understatement.... You do not want to go through what I went through, especially at my age. Well, as I sit here and type this up, I continue to wonder what my mother would have thought of all this if she were still alive.... She probably would have rattled the heads of not only my sister but the other two schmucks. ;o) (She was a very faithful sister, even unto death. She died horrendously from cancer.... Even to this day, I miss her....)

Well, friends, I can't even believe I was this open and honest with complete strangers.... I'm doing okay, for now.... I just don't need some damned religious fundies telling me to "rhee-paint!" and "accept Jesus as lord and saviour" and all that other horse crap.... In fact, I even get into a few debates with fundies from time to time in the pursuit of recereation. ;o)

It's not a healthy habit, I know, but hell, I have to vent my frustrations somehow....

I now conclude this post with a heavy heart and even more doubts now than the ones I've had in the past. If anyone can relate to anything I had to go through, let's talk about it.... In the meantime, though, take care, everyone, and may Jehovah help us to better understand ourselves.

With best regards, Covert

"Convictions are greater enemies of truth than lies."

Friedrich Nietzsche

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