why do i want you? because you could make me responsible and i could keep you young. see but i don't have a purpose except to myself and my own. you're a stranger. but could this ever grow? and make me into a woman. maybe i just want to have fun. maybe i don't want commitment. maybe i don't want to hurt you or disappoint you. do i echo your soul. i'm still trying to follow this philosophy i made up in my head. and i'm not so sure it's working. i keep getting sadder, imagining this burden that doesn't have to be. but i'm still alive. and you make me feel safe. kind of like comfort food. you're like this little boy i just want to kiss and hold. and i love your smile. you make a piece of this fantasy real. i'll keep coming back unless you find someone else. that must mean something doesn't it.
don't send me flowers. flowers die. don't walk away when i'm still willing to try. i know it doesn't matter. what you want me to be. maybe i'm that girl they like to fuck and leave. but i'm still a child, just wanting to please. give you what you want. so take it from me. see i have this dream still that love could conquer all. once you know what it's like to lose you're willing to take the fall. if i could accomplish this. make this something new. we're never happy with what we have. but i've never had someone like you. why do you let me go? what are you really afraid of. isn't the answer so simple. respect and love each other. we just want to make each other happy. as long as we both still care. but i know i'm the bigger fool. cause i'm hoping your patience doesn't wear out. i'm hoping you'll show me what to do. because you seem to have all the answers. you always seem so right. this is how strong love is. that it could make me change to fit you. to give up all control. but is that right? explain to me why i shouldn't feel because it's draining out my soul and maybe i'm better off alone.
At twenty three...it had always been a game before. i was the only one in the world. insecure, controlling. he said he loved me. and suddenly it broke. that hard shell of fantasy and innocence crumbling like glass. cutting, severing the veil from my eyes. suddenly i am so sorry and so forgiving. i saw a new beauty. not in potential but in what already is. and then you came along. and i stood ready to reject you. like all the others who tried. but i couldn't resist the attraction. and i think i scared you off. i think i treated you wrong. but you came back to me anyway. you said patience was a virtue. patience is what i need. because everything i thought was true, was a lie i made up to survive. and the tender truth of reality is setting in. how beautiful you are. i'd never want to change you. how special i feel. that you would come to see me. how proud i am when you stand next to me. all these words too afraid to speak. and when i'm with you i still freeze. still too shy and unassuming. i'm trusting you. like i never trusted anyone. i'm understanding you. like i've never understood a man. everything you are, just warms my soul. and i'll still fighting it, because i don't want this to ever get old. i want to keep this feeling forever.
I always thought it was them. they didn't care. they were just using me. i realize it was me. I didn't let it die, i destroyed it. with my insecurity and anger, my fear and lack of trust. i say things sarcastically because i don't know how to be nice. i don't look you in the eye beause i'm afraid of failing. i expect you to give up so i push you away. you could teach me. you could show me. i'm already learning and trying to understand. you put your arm around me like the father i never had. i don't know how to compliment you because i grew up ashamed. feeling ugly. don't run out of patience with me. because inside i really adore you. i really respect you. and i want to be everything you saw in me.
what is truth if it is not immortal? if like love it cannot withstand the seasons? if like beauty it fades? somewhere beneath the layers of belief and faith, beyond the meaningfulness we live for...sometime after innocense is plundered, and emotions have been bled dry. there is where truth dies. the heart is a child, selfish and spoiled, desperate and hungry who needs a war to fuel its passion. because complacency is death. a truce is a concession that you are not all powerful. a comprimise breathes defeat. but rations don't last forever, swords dull with time. peace is inevitable. with or without you. those eyes. those eyes intimidate me. they make me fail. i fight not to trust them but they speak of wounds i can relate to. beneath this all we are not enemies but strangers with a similar dream. freedom from pain. expectation is the reaper of sorrows. desire brings only despair. but what is life if you do not threaten to be brave? if you do not dare to believe? this IS life. that is the soul and essence of the heart. without pain there is no relief. this i cherish. this is gold. to have these thoughts of yearning, hanging onto the edge of your presence. with or without you, i am alive
i could try my love with you. but my heart’s hold is strong. because when i choose someone, i don't want to believe i'm wrong. and i'll try to let you know i care. i'll try not to care too much. i'll try to not be a burden. i'll try to lift you up. i don't believe in fairy tales. but i'll try anyway. i'll try to be nice. but i'll push you away. when you step up to the plate. i might not trust you. but if you think it's right. I’ll be there for you. life is all about chances and choices. but i'm tired of all the games. tired of how things should be. That’s not why i came. I’ll tell you this is what you have. And this is what I’ve got. I’ll tell you truths that will never fade whether you believe it or not. and where do you go then? when it all disappears? sometimes you cut your losses. But it will stir up all your fears. sometimes you have to take a leap before it slips away. or hide inside your corner. didn't need you anyway. i know i could be everything. if you told me what you need. and i'm ready to take a chance. just might not be with you and me. when all is said and done, i think there'll be a scar. from all the things that could have been and everything you are.
it was a long day at work tonight. i sat for sometime by myself. and all day i could only think of you. how much i just wanted to see you. and i cleaned up the bar and listened to a couple songs i finally understood. and i know i'm just feeling sorry for myself. Because i really liked your attention. i really liked kissing you. but my heart is so stupid. looking for something that will never be. and i want to call you a liar. but it was me that wanted to believe. and i want to be angry. but i can only be angry at myself. And here i am again. Where i started before. Ready to discard everything i thought i knew. And I’m so stubborn to go out into this loneliness again. Cannot sit and wait. Cannot be taken for granted. Cannot be just a friend because it’s not what I’m after. I saw something in you. afraid to be a fool. so i don’t say anything. so you won’t know the truth. i wish i was stronger, to just walk away but do you really want me to? Your charm has worn off. Your words are empty. This is ruined. This was never anything. How should i act? What should i believe? Never look back? Keep being deceived? Don’t know what i want. But i know what made me smile. Looking forward to you. It is only this passion that brings me to tears. Eyes of want. But nothing true to say. Wanting consistency in this life. And you remind me of all i have failed at. And i think back at all the things i said. Wondering if i could’ve done things different. But i know it doesn’t matter. If i slept with you too soon. If i said something wrong. But something still knaws at me inside. Why did you even try? Make me feel so special. Just to let it die. I still hope that you might call me late at night after the bars closed. I still hope to see you drive by or come in to say hello. Maybe i only do stupid things like that. Keep coming back. I never believed you in the beginning. But then i started to care. Did you get scared? If I’m not what you want. Then leave me alone. i'll be the one to let you use me. but if you see something there. some possibility. don't be afraid. you're not going to hurt me.
maybe this could work. maybe i don't know. maybe i need more time to heal. maybe you could teach me. is there something there just because i want to believe. i almost feel comfortable but i'm holding back. i want to hate you. you're taking up my space. my pride and independence is all i have. and you'll never own me.
i met my dad today. the monster i knew as a child. so many years after the hold he had on my life. i met my dad today. but now he seems so small. almost broken. shy and nervous. i met my dad today. i saw a person who was really pretty cool. understanding. funny. willing to give advice. i met my dad today. the asshole that beat on my mom. told us kids we were worthless and was never involved. i met my dad today. he said i was beautiful. he said he loved us both so much. i met my dad today. the one i hated my whole life. thought about killing him. thought about killing myself. made fun of us. took away our pride. i met my dad today. and finally i don't know what to believe. time to put the past away because i can't hate him anymore. but now who do i hate? where do i put my anger that will never go away? i met my dad today. and i can see why my mother loved him. why she stayed so long. as bad as he treated her. and she finally stood up. and he walked out. and why, i can't understand how someone can be two different people. but i'm trying so hard to understand.because now i realize the connection between him and the men i choose. how they have so much charisma but can easily turn and just not care. how i feel sorry for them and think i could warm their lives up with my love. no, it doesn't work that way. a man could change you. but you can't change a man.
" i wish you were never born " those words i said i would forget. look at me. who's the bigger person now. i laugh. because nothing can hurt me now. if i die tomorrow. i've touched enough lives. always been there for my friends. where this world will take me. i have no idea. i just take a step in the direction. that seems best. they all tell me. i'm so intelligent. they all tell me i'm going places. but i feel so unimportant. don't know anything about life or love. all i know is nothing lasts forever. i'm not afraid to give or forgive. that is who i am. angel trapped inside a wasteland. where sometimes i stand and try to ignore. the whir of selfishness and hunger. cuz i can't save a soul. the streets of depression i grew up on. where poverty took its toll. where food and clothes were options spending nights in the cold. don't tell me life is hard. you've got no fucking idea. be mocked and beaten down and tell me how it feels. to grow up on your own. hiding from life. with noone to depend on but stranger's advice. i know i'll make it out of here. cuz i've got something to prove. you'll never have the best of me. i'll never care for you. why should i? when every man in my life has let me down. don't know who to trust. i trust noone. what am i a slave? to cater to your will? fuck you, i'm a human being. however surreal this life seems i'm still as sharp as ever. hiding behind the ghosts that told me to do better.
where am i going? where my heart takes me. never been to this place before. is it too beautiful to be true. nothing lasts forever. how long does beauty last. i could look into your eyes for a lifetime and never want to leave. if only i could see inside. trust your words. understand. everyone else plays their games. i just keep it real. tell you exactly how i feel. don't care about making you want me. take me for who i am. don't care if i already have you. i'll let you know everyday how much i want to keep you. if i tried hard enough. to be everything you wanted in a woman. if i tried hard enough to give you what you wanted. would you abuse this? or would you protect me. do i deserve to be happy? do i know what i'm doing. there are plenty of other roads to take. but i want the challenge. it explains who i am. how nothing i've ever gotten out of life came easy. if i work hard enough i appreciate it more. i wish you knew just how wonderful you are and i still hardly even know you.
//apathy.// finally i just don't care. don't want to get involved. so sick of being hit on. so sick of being told what i need. you think you can read my mind. you think that i'll save you. save yourself. i don't need a man. how did this happen? when i used to smile so much more. was it all a mistake. i'm too good for you. i'm too good for anyone. was it love? it felt like love. i'm so weak. confidence lost. why don't i tell them how i really feel? that i think they're all needy and can't take care of themselves. i know i can do better. but better doesn't keep me. better leaves me alone. finally i just don't care. how i wish i could read your mind. but i'm too afraid to know the truth. wish i had some answers as to how they really perceive me. finally i just don't care. what they think. if i'm weird. if i'm weak. i can take care of myself. what can you do for me? don't want you to need me. because i might not always be there. don't want to get involved. cuz they can act so strange sometimes. finally i just don't care. not enough to speak up. afraid my words are stupid. afraid i don't make sense. trying to find my feelings that keep changing around. don't mean to hurt you. just want to be your friend. if we're friends then you can't hurt me right? no because you have that greater expectation. tired of being who they want me to be. if they hate me oh well. just trying to live my life. take advice. and be real.
Who created the fantasy that said men don’t have to grow up and women must avoid temptation and wait faithfully? to be abandoned... who created the fantasy that women must raise children on their own and baby sit their husbands? is a woman’s life not equally valuable? break me down to fit into my role. who are you to tell me my role? i have dreams. i have desires. must i set them aside for a man? i’ll set them aside for my child. but not a man. not a boy. who never seems to learn. but this world must break him down into someone responsible... it doesn’t work. who created the fantasy that there’s a happy ending. when marriages don’t last. love doesn’t conquer all. and fathers don’t stay.
who created the fantasy that everything happens for a reason? a lesson to who? a purpose for what? life is irony. i can have a purpose or be nothing meaningful. i simply exist against my own will and try to make sense of it. that’s man, trying to make sense out of nothing. rat race. meet you at the end. and what will God ask me? the one who refused to believe? is there any hope for man? should i blow it all away, he’ll ask. i’ll say what i’ve always said. deep down they’re all beautiful souls. the pain just makes them cold. and will i ever have a child? and bring it into this ugly beautiful world? to be another generation into the evolution of nothing. evolving to an end. who created the fantasy that we are anything special. we just happen to be on top. who will take our place?
who created the fantasy that there’s a reason for living? i could live for you. i could wait a lifetime for you only to be disappointed in the end. who are you? when i really don’t need you. but i believe i do. i created a fantasy. i made a bond. and how is that so easily forgotten? why can i be both in love and heartless. survival. because the next one will show me how to love all over again. and how to fall even harder. cycle cycle. why don’t i just give up. i think i will. you just can’t win. because that’s the power of instinct over the mind. we need to love others and need to love ourselves and its a sacrifice. who created the fantasy that i must sacrifice my life for someone? i think i’ll just wander and be happy with myself. now stranded, i am fair game, for wolves in sheeps clothing. smiles that hide lies. holding with all my strength to not slip into the cracks. life is not a fantasy. its reality tinged with dream. i try to smile, you know. because i don't want them to hate me. how much longer can i deceive them before it catches up to me? before they find out how needy i really am. or maybe they'll just think i'm fake. which is worse? do i really care? beautiful, who me? you must be joking. i was that dorky punk tomboy in highschool that noone knew or cared to know. i'm that same person. believing that i'm not better than anyone. i just want to be your friend. but you want something more. why can't you just be happy with what you got? i can't save you. i can hardly save myself. go find some dog to fuck because i'm not like that. i don't need a man. and i don't sleep around. can i trust anyone? you really can't. i can't even trust myself. does anyone understand me? am i really all alone? or did my childhood fuck me up that bad...that everything i'm doing is wrong. well, i made it this far. i've had more good times than bad. i want to understand. i keep holding on to that fantasy. that road to disappointment and great expectation. in reality, i know i'm not alone. just another ordinary human being. but i do hope you see yourself in me. then you'll see that you are not alone either. that connection that not even love ever fully realizes, you just come to believe its there.
Growing up/ Do you hear that sound? The sound of innocense breaking away./ Remembering back when i thought love was the answer, that i could change the world/suddenly paranoid. because i realize when they look at me, they're thinking of something else.../who wants me? they all want me. why? because i looked at them and smiled./love is a psychotic state/i never gave them any reason to think there was ever anything else...they made it all up in there head/ do i get mad? do i try to reason?/this is the trial of youth/am i strong enough for this game of love? will i make it out alright? don't let them break you. do you think you hurt me? noone can hurt me. i've learned to shut it off now. i wonder if i can even deal with this anymore./ i thought i knew/ when your heart is secure its so much easier to deal with. now its lost, wandering, shaking, not sure where to even go. and i will not hurt anyone anymore. i will not involve myself with people's lives cuz they change forever once i give in. i will not be responsible for broken hearts. cuz i don't know what i want. how long before i give in? because i finally know what love is and i see how powerful it is. i see how much we are just animals. maybe them religious people are right. with knowledge comes pain. everyday i grow to learn that life just keeps getting sadder. don' let it break you. don't give in. because you are extraordinary. they said i was special. but not special enough to be immune. give it time. you will prevail. just laugh at those demons. because they are right. you are special. just keep your head straight and don't stop smiling./ in time will i forget you? you never forget. i know i'll find the one. i told myself it was you. cuz i wanted to believe in something magical. some kind of escape. again, i learn. maybe there's no such thing. i'm strong enough...but am i getting colder. i don't want that scar tissue to reach the surface. because i love my heart. my heart that says underneath it all, we are beautiful...and we don't want to hurt anyone. we just sometimes get mixed up with selfishness and care only about what we want. don't let go of your heart. it'll all be alright. its a rough world out there. survival of the fittest. that's just the way it is. and i don't want to believe in that. i want to think we're better than that. in the end it doesn't matter. i know that. does anybody else?
