Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life
together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was
driving a perfect car (a Lamborghini) along a winding road
when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle (it was a 2x2!).
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of
them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
* A Woman's Response *
The perfect woman, because she's the only one that really
existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa
Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
* A Male's Response *
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a
car accident.
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I
see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going
to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain,
keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So,
why's the groom wearing black?"
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to
be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem
extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach
deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a
dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to
deduce that you have a family.
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have
a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that
you are heterosexual"
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"
Later that same day
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in
next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the
University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog
house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet
drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly
raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for
charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they
each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet
spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six
month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won
the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others
how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper...