The Who Go To the Grand Canyon

Scene One: From the Mind Of Pete
(A RV-camper pulls up to Grand Canyon campgrounds
Roger is driving. Pete is sitting in the back with a 
guitar to which he is whispering thing we cannot hear.
Keith is strapped to the top of the camper with bungee 
cords. John is sitting in the front seat with Roger)

Roger: "We'd like a plot please. I mean a parking 
	space." He pauses in confusion, and John steps in.

John: "We want to see the wonders of the Grand Canyon
the inexpensive way. We need a camping space for three nights and four days." 

Campground official: "All very well and good, but what about
	HIM?" ::indicates Keith who is singing Beware of the Naked
	Man just loud enough to be unsettling::

Pete: "We're going to sacrafice him to the god of the canyon."

Roger blinks: "We're what?" 

John: "He's my cousin, sir, don't worry about him." ::grabs
	Pete's proffered guitar, reaches up and knocks out the 
	unsuspecting Keith:: "Nice Keith." 

Pete: "But where will I get another guitar?" ::fingers the
	Keithshaped dent in this one::

Roger:(pays over thirty two dollars and sixteen cents for
	rental of camping space) "Highway robbery, that's what I
	call it, highway robbery." 

"It's a living," says the campground official, and the Who
drive off into the campground. 

Scene two-Later that evening around the campfire:

John: "This is the life."

Pete, distractedly trying to make a guitar out of a wooden 
	crate and some bits of rubbish: "What is?"

John: "This is." 

Pete: "Oh is it. Roger?" 

(There is a thrashing sound from the tent and Roger appears holding a frying pan)

Roger: "Yes Pete?" 

Pete, without looking up: "Can I have some of your hair?"

Roger, clutching at it: " My hair? What for?"

Pete: "Guitar strings." 

Roger: "Guitar strings!! You must be joking!!" ::sees that he 
	isn't:: "Oh very well. Just let me go down to the loo and cut them off." 

Pete: "I can do it right here." 

Roger: "Not on your life! :: brandishes  frying pan::
	"I must preserve the artistic shape of the head!!"

John: "By all means, conceal the fact it's hollow."

Keith, looming up out of the dark: "Arararargugugghhh."

Roger: "Good lord he's been bit!!"Pete: "What do you mean?"

Roger: "By a rabid bear or something! Look at him...he's foaming at the mouth!!" 

Pete: "Probably a rabid mosquito." 

Keith, outraged: "It was a rabid WASP!!"

John: "I told you not to let him have the tooth paste again,but no..."


SCENE FOUR:Roger snores slightly, turning in his sleep. Pete hugs his 
	makeshift guitar, murmuring sleepy sounds of attachment.
	John, the only one awake, pensively reads Reader's Digest
	under his covers with a flashlight. Keith drums silently with
	his fingers on Rogers leg. 

Roger, waking: "Millions of 'em!! Millions I tell you!!"

John, appearing from inside his sleeping bag: "What?"

Roger: "Woodpeckers!! Millions of 'em!! But I was too 
	smart for 'em! I got me a WOODEN leg!!!"

John::observes Keith, still drumming in his sleep:: "Ye-es."

Pete, to his guitar: "I'll never hurt you knowingly." 

Roger, yawning: "Promises, promises." 

Scene FOUR: Keith Moon of the Grand Canyon

Roger::standing on edge, gazing down:: "Wow. That's rather big."

Pete: "Yes. I think I will write a song." (Pete sits down
	and begins to strum the sad excuse for a guitar.)
Pete(sings): "DOWN...is a long, long way...But I've been there...
	you cut your hair...so I could play...and the memory is with me still....
	DOWN we go...I think I will..."

Roger: "Oh Pete, I'm terribly touched." ::pauses on canyon
	brink, shades eyes:: "I can see for miles...and miles..."

Pete: "Sorry. We already did that one." 
	(A large black swan passes by, flying high in the canyon,
	carrying a girl in a ruby-red dress.)
Roger, waving gently: "Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday." 

Pete: "What?"

Roger: "I had a vision." 

Pete: "Of the future or the past?" 

Roger: "I can't remember." 

(A yell breaks the silence as Keith pounds toward the edge
of the canyon seated backwards on a burro.)

Keith:  "WARAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!"

(Roger and Pete duck and cling to the dry red earth as Keith disappears
over the edge of the canyon, still yelling)

Roger, somewhat shaken: "Was that Keith?" 

Pete, seemingly undisturbed: "I believe so." 

Roger, considers: "Does this mean we're in the market fora new drummer?" 

(Pete remains silent...Roger crawls to the edge of the 
Canyon and glances fearfully over to see Keith and the 
burro peacefully drifting downward supported by a parachute)

Keith, yelling up: "Roger, my friend...travel light!! Believe me,
it's the only way!!"

Pete: "Keith Moon, star of stage, screen and the rainbow." 


Scene Five: Later that evening

(John is sitting hunched against the cliff, some way down.
He has a package of Hostess Cupcakes and is eating them
slowly, when he hears the sound of Roger's harmonica,
approaching mournfully  from above.)

John, yelling: "Roger!!"

Rogers head appears over the side of the cliff. 

Roger: "Oh hullo John, we were wondering where you'd gotten." 

John: "I fell." 

Roger: "Oh did you? Hurt much?" 

John: "Only subconsciously." 

Roger: "Ah." (He hums a note on the harmonica, looks at
	the Hostess Cupcakes) "Can I have one of those?" 

John wordlessly hands him one.

Roger: "Thanks." ::gives himself a chocolate mustache::
	"I think I'll be the villain of the piece." 

John: "No, not you Roger. You couldn't. You're not evil, 
	just lightheaded. Where are the others?"

Roger, pensively: "Well Pete's painting the guitar with fingernail polish-"

John: "Whose?" 

Roger: "Keith's. And Keith's in the slammer." 

John: "What?? What  for?"

Roger: "He was suddenly smitten with the urge to take
	a leak off the edge of the Canyon. Just so happened there was a 
	Ranger directly below him." 

John: "Sounds like our Keith. Do we bail him out?" 

Roger: "Have YOU got any cash?" 

John: "Not a ha'penny. Oh well, they couldn't
	prevent Jack from feeling happy." 

Roger: "Of course, we could just go and get him out." 

John: "Once you get me up from this ledge." 
	(Roger gives him a hand off and they arrive at the RV
	to find Pete kneeling before his makeshift guitar)

Pete: "Give my creation LIFE!! LIFE!! LIVE I COMMAND YOULIVE!!" 

John: "Er, Pete. Want to go and get Keith out of the Pokey?"

(Pete is breathing torturously, sweat streaming down his 
face. John repeats the question, louder)

Pete: "What? Eh? No, no I can't just now. In the middle of
	something very important." 

John: "I'd look out if I was you, Roger. Last time he said that
	you ended up playing Tommy." 

(Roger stares straight ahead, eyes disfocused, hands moving
slowly out, groping ahead of him)

John: "Oh NO, not that again! Roger!! We've got to get Keith out!
	COME ON!!" (He seizes the indifferent and unaware Roger by
	the hand and drags him into the RV. They drive away and leave
	Pete kneeling over his guitar applying artificial resparation)

Scene Six: The Magic RV

(The RV pulls over to the side of the road and John sits at 
the wheel staring straight ahead)

John: "If only we had Keith to create a diversion. But we
	haven't." ::glances at Roger, who has fallen into a slump
	on the floor of the RV:: "All we've got is Tommy." ::begins
	to hit himself in the head methodically:: "Think...think...think..."

(Inside the Jail Keith is pleading with the attractive young policewoman)

Keith: "You look like a bright young thing." 

Policegirl: "And you look like a freak." 

Keith: "Well at least I'm honest." ::when she says nothing
	he tries wheedling:: "Come on love, you know as well as
	I...when you gotta go, you gotta go." ::sees John's face 
	at the window:: "John!" 

Policegirl: "What?" 

Keith, hastily: "Nothing...I mean, there wasn't a john 
	anywhere!! So the Canyon seemed the best place!!
	I mean, I couldn't do it on a tree!! I'm a Friend Of Trees!!"
	(Outside in the RV John jerks the inert Roger up and down,
	trying to get his shirt off him)

John: "Come on lad, this usually does it. She's female, it 
	ought to work! Pity you aren't awake...."

(Policegirl finishes her magazine, starts leafing through another.
Roger stumbles in the door and falls across the floor. Perhaps
some of what John has said gets through to him, for he does 
roll over, exposing THE CHEST)

Policegirl: "Can I help you?" 

Keith: "He looks dead."

Policegirl, distressed: "Oh no, he's still breathing!! Perhaps 
	something bit him!" ::feels for Roger's pulse, listens to his heartbeat::

Keith: "Could have been a wasp." ::nicks the keys off her desk::

POlicegirl: "Perhaps he's allergic!!"

Keith::unlocking cell, stepping out:: "To wasps? He can't
	be, we would have noticed sooner." ::steps over the girl
	who is attempting to give Roger artificial resperation and
	getting much too involved:: "Love your underpants..."::he
	exits through the open door::Roger, coming to: "I'm free!!" 

Policegirl: "I'm Mary." 

Roger: "I want some answers out of you. I want to know where
	I am...what's going on...and where my clothes are!! I want to 
	get out of here now!!" (Mary presses him onto the floor)

Roger: "Oh well."::succumbs:: 

John, appearing in doorway: "Not to interrupt, Ma'am, but
	we really must be on our way. We left our friend breathing
	life into his guitar." ::drags Roger from girls grasp, boots him
	towards door-turns in doorway:: "Anyway, no matter how
	much you liked the chest, you were sure to find out sooner
	or later...the awful truth." 

Mary, nervously: "What?" 

John: "His butt's too small." 

Mary, sighing: "Ah well...he was a sweetfaced youth." ::picks
	up her magazine and turns to the empty cell:: "Wha-a...."
	::runs outside, but the RV is already driving away:: "Damn!Jammed!!" 

SCENE SEVEN: The End(Somewhere along the road, Roger jerks on John's arm)

Roger: "Isn't that Pete running down that hill?" 

John: "Yes...what's that chasing him?"

Keith, bouncing up and down in the backseat: "It's his guitar!!" 

John: "Keith! Open the back door!"

(Keith opens it-Pete scrambles in, slamming it behind him-John starts driving)

Pete, gasping: "It started BASHING me! It was the most 
	astonishing thing!! I think I'll write a song about it!! Roger
	can I borrow your harmonica?" 

Roger: "Er...sure." 

Pete::sings:: "I get payment for what I did the pain, the bruises on my head
	I'm a strange dark man, what am I bid for the culmination of my sin? 
	Might as well be dead, when the music turns against you
	might as well be dead when your friends have gone to jail
	I gave you life, you turned that life against me-Roger, what rhymes with jail?" 

Roger: "Snail." 

Keith: "Do I have to ride on top again? Do I?"

Pete, hitting him with the harmonica: "Nice Keith!"