Jimmy Madeline

Something Not Quite Right
The First Epistle of Wiley
by Jimmy Page 'Hage'

          In a big house in London
          that was covered with vines

          And the house had a beard

          Lived twelve little guitarists in two straight lines.
          In two straight lines they played their songs
          and jammed with Lord Sutch all day long.
          They left the house at half past nine
          in two straight lines
          to drink, party, and cavort with groupies, in rain or shine.
          The smallest one was Jimmy Madeline.
          Jimmy Madeline was rather quiet
          and was on a french fries only diet.
          Little Jimmy liked girls half his age
          Plant hant and Page hage
          and nobody knew so well
          how to frighten Captain Jonesy Kangaroo Clavell.

          In the middle of one night
          Captain Clavell turned on his light
          and said, "Something is not right!"

          Meanwhile, upstairs, Pepito Robert had dropped by
          to listen to Jimmy Madeline sigh, and say that he was going to die.
          The rest of the guitarists did not like Pepito Robert very well
          especially when he wore the Blouse from Hell.
          Pepito Robert was a bit of a pest
          as he strutted around and bared his chest.
          "Pepito Robert," said Jimmy Madeline, "You're a bad hat!"
          "You're a bad hat," said the other little guitarists,           
          "and that's that."
          Pepito Robert did not care
          and wore boxers on his head with flare.
          The little guitarists all went to bed
          when you're drunk you're really, really drunk, we might as well be dead.
          Suddenly, there was a dreadful sound
          and Pepito Robert was nowhere to be found.
          "What the heck?" said little Jeff Beck.
          Pepito Robert was playing Jimmy's doubleneck!!!

          Jimmy Madeline jumped out of bed with a cry
          Pepito Robert was going to DIE!

          Little Jimmy threw Robert to the ground.
          He made a very loud BOOMING sound.
          Older brother Clapton ran into the hall
          just in time to see Jimmy fall.
          Older brother Clapton began to yell,
          "What the hell?! Be careful Jimmy, you're not well!      
          And all this noise is going to wake Captain Clavell!!"
          Suddenly Jimmy began to giggle
          and despite himself he began to wiggle.
          Pepito Robert was giving him the dreaded Quickle Tickle!
          Jimmy Madeline was really in a pickle!
          He was about to bite Robert's neck
          when suddenly he remembered to do a Flab Check
          for although Jimmy was a skinny lad
          he still had flab upon his abs.
          Unfortunately, his pants were sagging low
          and his flab was in full show.
          Jimmy hiked up his pants and mumbled, 
          then asked Pepito Robert to give him a tummy tuckle.
          Pepito Robert, Plastic Surgeon Extraordinaire, was more than glad
          and immeadiately went to work on the lad
          but it wasn't very long until
          Jimmy Madeline began to feel very ill.
          Poor little Jimmy looked quite abysmal
          so Robert handed him the bottle of Pepito Dismal.
          Little Jimmy took a swig.
          The swig he took was much too big.
          He began to choke and heave and cough
          and something inside of him got a little off.
          He began to turn a bit yellow in the face
          as his liver was no longer in the right place.

          Downstairs, Captain Jonesy Kangaroo Clavell was still in bed
          trying to ignore his feeling of dread.
          He was all snuggled up cozy with his wife
          and did not want to get up, save his life.
          He stayed in bed for as long as he could
          then got up as he knew he should
          and afraid of disaster
          Captain Clavell ran fast
          and faster.
          For somewhere in the night
          he knew that something was not right.

          Disaster it was, for when he found the little fellow
          Jimmy Madeline was a bright shade of yellow.
          Little Hendrix was burning his guitar
          and little George Harrison was playing the sitar.
          The room was in chaos, it was plain to see
          and older brother Clapton was making Jimmy some tea.

          Captain Clavell forced them all to bed
          then picked up Jimmy Madeline, who seemed to be dead.
          With Jimmy in his arms, he rushed out the door.
          The hospital was only a block away, or a little more.
          As he ran, he began to see
          that the sun was rising beautifully.
          As he gazed, he tripped and fell off the block
          and cut his hand open on a rock!!!
          Blood was gushing all over the place.
          He wondered if he would ever again play the bass.
          He knew he would need stitches, no fun!
          He picked Jimmy back up and started to run.

          Jimmy woke up after two hours
          in a room with lots of flowers.
          A sound filled the air, and he looked around the rooma.
          He thought he heard Nintendo music- Oh, it was Zooma.
          Captain Clavell's hand was stitched up and bandaged like a 'shroom
          but he had faithfully waited in Jimmy's room
          where the crack on the ceiling had a habit
          of sometimes looking like a rabbit

          And the rabbit had a beard.

          Outside were trees...and birds...and giant piles of turds...and sky...
          so ten days passed quickly by.
          One fine morning Little Lori said, "Isn't this a fine
          day to visit Jimmy Madeline?"
          'Visitors from two to four' read the sign outside his door.
          Inside the room Jimmy was fussing with his hair
          and wearing the dreaded nightgown with matching  underwear
          but little Lori didn't care.
          She took him in her arms, and he cried and cried
          until upon the bed they lied.
          
          But the biggest surprise by far- 
          on his stomach was a scar. 
          From that day forth he wore his pants very high 
          so no one knows about the scar, except for you, and Lori, and I. 

          Captain Clavell took all the little guitarists to visit too
          thankfully, Jimmy and Lori were through.
          There sat Jimmy looking rather lonely
          drinking orange juice and reading a book from Grandpa Crowley.
          The little guitarists thought this looked like a bore
          and turned around and walked out the door.
          Then who should pop out from under the bed?
          But Pepito Robert with dust bunnies all over his head!
          With a 'demonic' smile he leaped across the room
          and lunged at Jimmy with his Fingers of Doom.
          This time it was not to be quickle
          For the Wild Man of Black Country was giving Jimmy the ULTIMATE TICKLE!!!
          Jimmy laughed and laughed and gasped for air
          and pulled Pepito Robert's hair.
          Jimmy was feeling a little queasy
          as fighting off Pepito Robert was never easy.
          Then he knew he was getting sick
          and reached for Grant's popcorn bowl quick.
          He was quite sure he was going to die this time
          but Pepito Robert just kept tickling Jimmy Madeline!
          Jimmy laughed some more, there was nothing he could do
          if he was going to die, he might as well be laughing too!!!

          In the middle of the night
          Captain Jonesy Kangaroo Clavell turned on the light
          and said, "Something is not right!"
          Then he remembered the last time, and how he took quite a fall
          and naughty Jimmy Madeline had never thanked him at all!
          So he turned out the light-

              and soon began to snore-

                   and that's all there is-

                        there isn't any more.