Led Zeppelin Goes Canoing

Jones did it!



Scene One: Put In

Robert and Bonzo are cheerfully horsing about with canoes on their backs, carrying them down to the water. Jonesy is carefully re-checking the bags and coolers and things that Grant is helping take out of the van. Jimmy is sitting in the van clutching his guitar--minus its case--and staring straightahead.

Jimmy: "Where's Cole?"

Grant: "He couldn't make it. He said all this fresh air business of Robert's makes him feel ill."

Jimmy, snuggling protectively against his guitar: "It makes Me ill."

Robert, appearing suddenly around the van door: "Well you haven't a CHOICE!" He and Bonzo haul Jimmy and guitar from the van unmercifully and portage him down to the water, carried above their heads.

Jonesy: "Oh, I say! Mind the guitar."

Jimmy says nothing but broodingly watches the shirtless Plant and Bonzo as they go about transporting the luggage down to the put in point.

Robert, prattling cheerfully without looking at him: "You'll like it. It's loads of fun. You can be in Jonesy's canoe because he'd never tip over...it'd spoil his hair. And we won't float too long today, because we'll have to find a place to set up camp before dark. Last time I was setting up a tent in the dark, I tried to put the stake through Bonzo's hand, and he knocked me clear across the campground, and that's how I lost my tooth. Oh and don't worry about the food, I brought lots of cornmeal and dried beans and pemmican and stuff so we can eat real Native American style-"

Jimmy stares at him in undisguised horror

Jones, dropping to his knee beside Jimmy, and in a whisper: "Don't worry, I brought some sandwiches and tins of soup and biscuits and cakes and things."

Robert, To Bonzo: "Did you remember the cream donuts?"

Grant: "Who d'you expect to use them on out here?"

Robert, shrugging: "Better safe than sorry. Also, I didn't know what Native Americans eat for breakfast."

There is a thunder of hooves farther up the road, and a horse suddenly comes into view bearing upon its back Harper, who is wearing a full length red and blue cape and a funny feathery hat. Harper dismounts and carries his bedroll over to Jones, who is efficiently packing the canoes.

Harper: "Hullo all, sorry I'm late."

There is a chorus of 'hello Harper's and 'good to see you, Harper's.

Jimmy, to Jonesy: "Did you get my bag?"
He plucks it from Jones' hands and examines the contents.
"Ah yes....incense burner...candles...collapsible bow...Jack Daniels..."

Robert: "How are the sheep?"

Harper: "Doing well, doing very well. I took them off that applesauce diet, since it really wasn't doing them any good. And how are yours?"

Robert, not to be derailed: "Oh, fine, fine. They're eating grass as usual."

Grant: "Well if we could get this show on the road..."

Bonzo: "Or boat on the river..."

Jonesy: "I wish my daughters could have come. And my wife."

Jimmy: "Robert, aren't those your goats?"

A line of goats is trotting single file down the nearest hill toward the river. Heffernan is leading them. Robert squints at them.

Robert: "Wot the bloody...yes. yes they are."
He runs over to the goats and they cluster around him as he kneels down and begins to chatter in some unintelligable gibberish. The goats bleat back and Robert looks up hopefully.
"They want to know if perhaps they can come? They're good swimmers, I promise you."

Jimmy, suddenly wrathful: "And I suppose if it rains they get to come in the tent?"

Robert, blinking: "Well of course. I mean, you wouldn't want to smell wet goat now, would you? Of course you wouldn't, it's frightful."

Grant, spreading hands in a peacemaking manner: "Now Robert. You can't bring nine goats on a canoe trip. This thing was your idea in the first place, so just send them home to Maureen, eh?"

Robert sulkily mutters to the goats, who bleat forlornly at him and turn to go. Suddenly one goat turns back and bleats again.

Grant: "What does it want?"

Robert, kicking morosely at a stone: "They want to blessed by Harper."

Harper takes off his hat and tosses it to Grant, then spreads his hands and the goats all crowd around him. He says something in a language near to what Robert speaks to the goats, and the goats bleat in unison back. Heffernan butts Robert over to Harper.

Harper: "That was in Sheep. Do you suppose they understood it?"

Robert, slightly less down: "Of course. The dialects are very similar."

Jimmy, suddenly and very brightly: "Well we all have seen the river and the canoe, and since the goats don't want to be left behind, maybe we should all just go home..."

Bonzo: "Nah."

Jones: "I know it's terribly corny of me, but I'm actually kind of enjoying myself already."

Robert, with finality: "Not a bit of it. Home, Heffernan. Take care of Maureen and Carmen."

Harper, in an encouraging manner to Jimmy: "I really think it would be a mistake to abandon so courageous an undertaking at this point. You never know. There may be a spiritual experience in it for you, or at the very least a good song. The wilderness can be very inspiring. I write a lot when I'm outdoors-"

By now Bonzo and Plant have rolled up their bellbottoms and are shoving off happily, while Grant sits in the steering place of their canoe. Jonesy is seated in the steering seat in the other canoe, waiting patiently.

Harper, generously to Jimmy: "You can ride in the middle and not paddle, if you like."

Jimmy, clutching his guitar: "Thank you."
He steps into canoe and settles himself carefully.
"All right. I'm in."

Across the stream already, the Three Bunglers are rocking their canoe. Joyfully Robert smacks the water with a paddle, sending spray all the way to Jimmy

Jimmy: "My hair! My guitar! My silk shirt!"

Robert: "Oh do come on!"

The two canoes set off, with the Three Bunglers in the lead and the Three Wise Men bringing up the rear. As they pull away from the bank, Harper imitates the call of the cuckoo bird.




Scene Two: Later that afternoon

The canoe carrying the Three Wise Men is slicing neatly through the water. Jimmy sits on top of two bedrolls on top of the largest cooler in the middle of the canoe. Jonesy is steering and Harper is keeping up a running commentary from the bow, paddling without splashing a bit.

Harper: "I was in Nigeria. Was it called Nigeria then? I do not remember. I was there to go bungee jumping, because my friend had set up the largest bungee jump in the world..."

Jimmy's brows wrinkle and it's clear he's lost Harper's train of thought.

Harper: "...but I changed my mind and went in for the native customs, which didn't involve the bungee. While I was meditating on a dung heap I suddenly sat up straighter as this apparition appeared to me, a little old man with no hair and one arm, leaning on a cane. He didn't say a word, just stared at me. And I suddenly realised that all this self abasement was nothing, if it was having no internal reaction. All that was really happening here was, I stank. When the old man hobbled away, I rose and followed him from a discreet distance, stinking all the way..."

There is a roar somewhere downstream and a splash.

Robert, shouting: "Bonzo's in! Bonzo's soaked!"

Bonzo: "Shut up lummox!"

There is another splash and roar, this time from Robert.

Robert: "OooooOOOOOEEEEEEARRGGGGHHHHHh!!!"

The canoe of the Three Wise Men rounds the bend where they behold Grant steering himself peacefully in a circle and Bonzo and Robert struggling wildly to dunk one another in the water....

Harper: "So when I beheld him leap into the river, I was struck with the need to clean the dung from my rear and my limbs... I'd had enough of self abasement. I thought, if I get in, and it washes off, then I'm done with the abasement phase and can go on to begin the first stages of holiness.."

As he's talking, Bonzo and Robert are swimming round the canoe, eyes gleaming with mischief. Jonesy, apprehending what they plan, beckons Grant to bring his canoe nearer....

Harper: "So I got in the water, and it all washed away! All the dung! Of course there was probably plenty of muck in the river, none of those rivers are clean. But I felt cleaner. I knew I was ready. As I turned my head skyward the heavens opened..."

As Grant pulls the canoe along side, Jimmy and Jonesy neatly step from one to the other, leaving Harper alone in the Wise Men's canoe. Grant back paddles so that Harper and the circling Bunglers float a little ahead.

Robert, dog paddling: "All the dung washed away? Every bit?"

Harper, not noticing: "Yes, every bit. I was cleansed as a newborn baby."

Bonzo: "Babies stink. My wife had one once."

Robert, nodding and getting his chin wet: "I know. They're messy little buggers. I THINK...Bonzo...I seem to smell...some dung still lingering on the frame of Harper..."

Bonzo, inhaling air and water vigorously: "HHHHNNNNNCCCHHh. Haaaacckkkk! Yes! I smell it too...I do...."

With one accord they rock the canoe, tipping Harper into the water. To their surprise he does not sink but sits on the surface of the water as if it were glass. Robert and Bonzo flail backward in surprise, splashing like loons.

Robert, treading water: "Harper! How d'you do that? hey!"

Harper, sliding on his rear across to the canoe: "I anticipated your action, Robert, and buttered my butt well in preparation for this journey."

Robert, incredulously: "You buttered your butt..."

Harper: "Yes."

He rights the canoe, and with a single neat motionhops back in.

Bonzo: "But how the hell would that help?"

He goes under before Harper answers.

Harper: "Oil and water do not mix. It's one of the primary biochemical rules. This is why, for lipids to travel in the bloodstream..."

Robert, nodding vigorously: "Ohhh yes I see....OOOF! Glub."

He shoots straight down into the water and rockets back up again, arms flailing.

Robert: "BONZO BONHAM!!!"

Bonzo, surfacing a few feet away, with an innocent expression: "What?"

Harper: "Which in turn creates a lipoprotein, then making it possible for the non water soluble nutrients to-"

Grant, paddling closer: "Now lads. It's just about tea time, and Jonesy's found a lovely campsite. I dropped him and Jimmy off and came back for you lot."

The soggy Bunglers climb into Grant's canoe, while Harper merrily steers the empty vessel of the Wise Men to a safe harbor near the campsite, where Jonesy is happily setting up the tent, and Jimmy sits by the fire, staring into the flames.



Scene Three: Around the Fire

Jimmy is murmuring to himself. As the soaking Bunglers and Harper and Grant pull up the canoes and bash their toes.

Robert: "EEEEEEYOOOWWWW!!!."

Jimmy: "Do you think you could replicate that sound in concert?"

Jonesy, comming merrily out of the tent: "Give me the bedrolls...don't go in the tent til you're dry, Robert and Bonzo."

Harper, shaking his slightly damp clothing: "May I be permitted to change my attire?"

Jonesy: "Of course."

Robert calmly begins to strip

Jonesy, with distaste: "Couldn't you do that in the woods?"

He hands Robert his bag.

Robert, leering: "Bad memories?"

He shakes his golden mane til it floofs around his head, and then he runs naked into the water, where he submerges completely

Bonzo, meekly accepting his bag: "And Jones...if you've got a slug of brandy...anything to warm my blood..."

The ever competant Jonesy produces a small flask, which Bonzo happily carries off with him into the wood.

Robert presently comes prancing out of the lake and accepts a towel which he fastens about himself loincloth fashion while shaving in the dim and curved reflection on the side of the canoe. Jimmy still seems to be in a reverie of sorts, but is also tuning his guitar softly. Without much chatter the group assembles two dinners, one of healthful Native American messes which is consumed by Robert and Harper, the other a completely nummy and tummy satisfying meal prepared by Jonesy. Jimmy declines any food but a strip of flesh nicely cooked and his bottle of Jack Daniels.

Robert: "More cornmeal mush, anyone?"

Harper: "Yes please."
He peppers it enthusiasticly.
My grandmother used to make a variety of porridge common to the West Indies, of which I was very fond...."

Robert, teasing: "Cornmeal mush, Jimmy?"

Jimmy, flicking a glance at the steaming glop: "My, no...I don't really think I should...I've never been constipated and I don't want to startnow..."

Robert, cheerfully: "Oh, well you can eat these berries with it if that's all...."

Jimmy, examining a spoonful of the glop: "I could mortar a house with this."

Peter Grant, snorting, suddenly rouses himself from an accidental afterdinner snooze: "Eh? What? Wot the-"

Robert, brandishing the mush under his nose: "YOU try it, Grant..."

Grant: "No, thanks kindly, Robert..."

Jonesy, looking on: "Go on, put it away, Robert. No one wants it."

Robert, degectedly: "Oh all right."

He sadly tipples the rest of it into a pottery jar and seals the lid with wax. Bonzo is also asleep, the brandy flask emptied as he hiccups happily. Robert carries him in to bed and plunks him down where he and Harper and Jones are to bunk in one room. Jonesy sees to the dishes and fire while Robert goes back to assist Jimmy.

Jimmy: "I can walk tonight, Robert."

Pushes past him into the tent.

Peter Grant: "Oof. Must just get me shuteye. Forty winks...or four hundred more likely...right lousy..."

He settles himself on his air mattress. Robert dumples nervously between Grant and Page. Page is curled as usual in a small frail heap, but Grant's air mattress is making suspicious squeaky sounds.

Robert, in a loud whisper: "What if it blows?"

Jimmy: "What if what blows?"

Robert: "Grant's mattress."

Jimmy: "You'll probably be killed. Don't worry. I'll see your goats are buried with you."

Robert's hair stands on end at the thought.

Jimmy: "Good Lord. Stop that, you look like an electrocuted dandelion."

Robert: "Share!"

Jimmy: "Oh.all right..."
He makes room for Robert in his sleeping bag.
"You know, if it really does blow, we'll probably both be killed..."

Robert: "..in which case, if they find us in the same sleeping bag..."

Jimmy: "...they'll think we were queer...and all our work will be misinterpreted..."

Robert: "We are not queer."
pauses
"So what do we do then?"

There is silence except for the ominous squeaking of Grant shifting in his sleep. Jonesy is making soft breathing noises. Bonzo is snoring like a trumpet. Harper is talking to himself gently under his breath.

Jimmy: "We could get in with Harper."

Robert: "Lot of sardines in one tin. Besides, if Grant's mattress explodes then they'll think we were ALL Queer...."

Jimmy: "And we are not queer...hmm...."

All he can think about is going out and laying down in one of the canoes, just letting it drift wherever it should take him.... The dilemma is solved for them when Grant rolls over and the air mattress explodes like a cannon being fired.

Grant: "BLOODY HELL!"

Robert: "Oh my Jesus Oh my Jesus Oh my-"

Jimmy: "Shut up."

Robert: "The car backfired, the car back-Maureen...Maureen..."

Jonesy, rising in one single leap: "Women and children first! That means you Robert! Everyone out before it gets worse! I'll treat injuries by the canoes!"

He looks again and sees just hysterical Robert and Jimmy petting his hair absently.

Jimmy, ceasing to pet Robert's hair and adjusting his own back in place (it'd been blown off course by the explosion): "That's better."

Bonzo, turning over in his sleep: "Snork. Hcchannghch. Unnghhk."

Harper: "I suggest some soothing chocolate by the fire. I will prepare it myself, in the manner my great Aunt Beathoven taught me. Even when one has been shaken in a more meta- physical manner than this, a hot drink can be a source of great comfort."

They all shuffle out, Robert leaning on Grant and looking wild eyed and dangerous... Jimmy with eyes almost completely closed. As Harper rebuilds the fire and prepares the hot chocolate, he talks.

Harper: "Once upon a time as all best tales begin, before there was
you or I or anyone one today, there were the ancient Gods, and
the heavens were seperated from the earth and the gods could
not look down upon us, for it was forbidden....but there was one
young fair god who had an overdeveloped sense of curiousity...
and more sense than the others, for he was tired of eternal life
and he had seen all there was to see in that part of heaven, and
he thought to look to the earth...so he began to dig...and he dug
and he dug...til he reached the bottom of the sky, and broke
through our side. Then he saw a maiden as lovely as any goddess
where she was bathing by the well of the worlds....and his heart
was instantly captured...."

Robert is seeing himself as the young fair God...Jonesy is
wondering how his daughters are...Jimmy is wondering if this
will inspire Robert with some lyrics to go with Jimmy's latest
melody...Grant is still wondering what happened to his air
mattress and how soon the chocolate will be ready.

"...so he reached down and could not reach her ....the bottom
of the sky is far above us...and he called and she could not hear.
He knew he must raise her eyes to his somehow, and so he
wrenched a precious celestial gem from his robe and flung it
to her feet. But it had all burned up as it passed the rays of the
sun, and when it struck at her feet it was ugly and hard and
grey. The girl did look up, however, and she saw the young god
gazing down at her. She also was instantly captured...and lifted
her arms to him longingly. The god knew he had to find a way
down to her...so he went to the Greatest of the gods and begged
for a way. But his request was denied."

As Harper serves chocolate, Bonzo stumbles out of the tent
and slumps down beside Grant.

"He could not last a minute, however, without gazing on her
face...but the Greater Gods, fearing contact with the human
world, had set the sky to turning faster than usual.
Below, the human beings wondered why the days grew shorter
and shorter and the nights shrank too, and the fair young god
was kept digging holes night and day if he wanted to see his
beloved. Where he dug the light of heaven shone through to
the earth below, and men were dazzled by the brilliant points
appearing in the sky.
	The Greatest god called the younger god forth, and though
the younger god would not have come, he was dragged.
The Greatest god laid forth his decision: this digging and digging
at the bottom of the sky could not go on. Soon there would be
no bottom to it left at all, and the gods would all go falling
through to earth right and left. 
	'We will reach a compromise,'said the Greatest god sourly, 
and the youngest god waited in stubborn defiance. 
	'If you are joined with your beloved, will you cease to dig at
the bottom of the sky?' asked the Greatest god.
	'Of course!' cried the young god. 'If only I could be with her,
I would do anything you asked of me.'
	'Foolish of you,' said the older god. 'She may be no one you'll
want to know this time next year.'
	'It's my choice. I choose her.'
	'Very well.' The Greatest god made the four winds blow and 
blow...he made the sun blaze....and then the storms came...and the 
people of earth went from short days and nights to longer ones, as the
turning of the sky slowed. The Greatest god made his magick...
and the young fair god and his lover were forever joined...in a way.
	The Greatest god took the spirit of the young god and fixed it at
the one end of earth. He took the spirit of the girl and fixed it at
the other. 
	'On your love will the earth turn,' he said. And for a long
time it did. At times the hearts of the lovers, together in purpose
yet still seperated, grew weary, and the days and nights lengthened.
At other times they filled again with hope, for they could, if they
leaned, just barely see eachother.
	Meanwhile, the Greatest god was having trouble. With all the holes
there were in the turning sky, more and more gods were gazing
with affection on the mortals below, and more and more were
finding ways to raise the eyes of the mortals to heaven. The Greatest
god saw how impossible it was to keep the worlds apart, and he
saw how the two lovers at either end of the earth still burned for
one another and kept it turning in endless hopeful circles. And his
heart relented and he set them free. 
	He removed the younger god's power for infinite beauty, and 
bestowed eternal life on the girl. Then he rove his powerful staff of magick 
through the earth, and the earth turns on it to this day. The Greater god 
sent the young god and his lover to dwell at the Northern end of earth,
where, he said, 'You will warm it with your love.'

Robert is looking suspicioiusly at Harper, whose face is innocent.
Jimmy is paying sleepy attention to his Jack Daniels. Jonesy has
fallen asleep against the other side of Grant from Bonzo.

"In time...the god and his love grew old in body, yet they did not die.
And every year they take of their love and bestow some in everyhouse-"
Robert, interrupting: "Father Christmas!"

Harper, quirking an eyebrow: "Yes...of course..."

Jimmy: "Well I must say that's a new one."
He considers.
"And highly sentimental too."

Robert, his head on Harper's knee: "I like it."

Jimmy, his head on Harper's other knee: "Of course."

They fall asleep as Harper lets the fire burn low and looks up at the many many holes of light blazing from the bottom of the sky.



Scene Four: The Next Morning

Robert emerges groggily from his sleeping bag-beside him Jimmy is a still lump with only a few wisps of dark hair showing from underneath the covers. Bonzo has managed to rotate totally in his sleep til his head is on Harper's feet. Grant is sleeping on everyone else's pillows in a heap, his wreckage of a mattress at his side. There is no sign of Jonesy.

Robert, poking Jimmy: "How'd we get back in the tent?"

Jimmy does not stir.

Robert, yawning and turning over. Dew falling from the roof of the tent hits him squarely in the eye: "Oow!"

He hops up and skirts the edge of the other sleepers to the door of the tent. Outside Jonesy is calmly curling his hair around a wet stick and holding it near, but not too near, the flame, for the proper pageboy curl. Something is bubbling on the fire.

Jones, looking up: "Oh good morning Robert..."

Robert, quite oblivious to the fact that Jonesy is disapprovingly eyeing his red silk boxers: "Good morning Jonesy...is that tea?"

Jonesy, who is wearing a tidy looking set of warm pajamas: "It is...let me just pour you a cup..."

Robert: "Oh many thanks."
He settles on a rather damp and musty log and shivers.
"Bit chilly, isn't it?"

Jonesy, giving Robert's apparel the eye again: "Naturally."

They sit in silence for a while, Robert drinking tea, Jonesy finishing his hair which, although it never was out of place, suddenly seems right again.... A dazed looking Bonzo takes a dive through the door of the tent and flops on the sand near the fire.

Bonzo: "I'm bushed. I'm soused. I miss my wife, you know."

Jonesy: "I always miss my wife. And my children."

Robert: "I miss mine too. And my goats."
He starts laughing at himself.
"What is all this? Months we'll be gone on the road, and I won't feel a twinge for weeks! But in one night..."

Jimmy, emerging with sleepy dignity from the tent: "It's the lack of distraction. You know Robert, if there were a comfortable cottage out here, with running water of course, or at least someone to run for the water, I could quite take to it. The hermitage is actually quite pleasant. It takes me back to the days when I wanted to be a monk.... I was really into solitude, I thought it would solve all my problems...."

They all look at him.

Robert: "That's what you get for falling asleep by Harper."

Bonzo: "Oh! Ohhhh I just had an idea! A really good idea...."

Jonesy: "What?"

Bonzo pulls the other two into a huddle while Jimmy performs some obscure looking ritual motions at the waters edge involving his hands and face and the water.

Jonesy: "No. It wouldn't work...."

Robert: "What's that you're doing, Jimmy? Some sort of morning ritualistic preparation sun god thing?"

Jimmy, smiling curvily: "I leave that up to you, Robert.... I was just washing my face without getting my hair wet."

He settles himself on a dry rock and begins to tune his guitar happily, at times taking swigs from a huge container of orange juice, courtesy of Jonesy.

Bonzo: "It would so work. I'm rare at catching fish. Barehanded even."

Jonesy, his eyes glittering with the promissing plan: "All right."

They go down to the waters edge and take a few tentative steps into the shallows, where Bonzo goes through the motion of showing Jonesy the art of guddling.

Robert, scratching his chin: "I want a shave."

Jimmy, glancing at him through half closed eyes: "When do we get to go home?"

Robert: "When Grant gets up."

Harper slides silently out of the tent and creeps into the woods without anyone noticing. There is a squawk from Bonzo and Jonesy and something splashes. Jimmy produces a pack of tarot cards and begins to play a weird sort of solitaire with them, muttering.

Robert: "Telling your fortune?"

Jimmy shakes his head. Bonzo returns shirtless, running along the beach full speed. He hauls Robert up by the hair.

Bonzo: "Come on, mate! Full steam ahead for a good laugh!"

Robert, stumbling after him in the sand: "Ow! Bonz! My hair! I'll be bald! you don't want a bald-Ow!"

Jonesy, also running at top speed: "Oh Robert, don't be such a morning~grumple."

Bonzo opens the shirt in his hands to reveal five smallish but lively flopping fish.

Bonzo: "For the sleeping bag of Grant...a natural alarm clock!"

Robert, backing away: "I don't want any part of it. Remember the gunk in...Japan, was it? We're lucky to be alive. It's all your baby. I got sat on last time. I had two broken ribs. I told everyone it was because I got knocked over by fans..."

Jonesy: "Spoilsport."

Bonzo: "Rotter."

Robert: "I've had my share of broken ribs."

He stomps off into the woods. Jimmy, turning over another card, continues to peer and mumble.) Jonesy and Bonzo sneak into the tent. Jimmy senses an uneasiness to the still campground. Muffled laughter comes from the tent. There is no sign of Robert or Harper. Jimmy shrugs and turns over another card. A shadow crosses the sun. Bonzo and Jones tiptoe from the tent and wait with baited breath at the entrance.

Robert, breaking from the woods at an alarming speed: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!"

The tent begins to thrash wildly as Grant is awakened by the flopping fish. Grant roars in an unspellable manner.

Robert, plowing directly into the tent and climbing right over it: "BEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!! BIG, UGLY, HUNGRY BEAR!"

There IS a bear going almost as fast as Robert and undeterred by the mushrooms he is hurtling over his shoulder at it to distract it. As Robert clambers over the tent, Grant bursts through the top, sending Robert flying across the campground where he lands on Jimmy's card arrangement, scattering it everywhere. Grant releases another unspellable roar right in the bears face. The bear leaps backward and hightails it for the woods, but not because of Grant...Harper is glidng sharply down to earth in a natural hang-glider formed from huge leaves, strong branches, and so on. As the huge green winged thing descends the bear beats its sharp retreat to the safety under the trees.

Robert, flopping breathlessly in front of Jimmy: "Bloody hell. Bloody bleeding hell."

Jimmy, with some irritation: "You've ruined my cards."
Half the cards are in the fire, flaming merrily, more are floating downstream, and still more have been chunneled under wet sand.
"There goes the future of the band...if we ever break up, it's all your fault, Robert..."

Grant, brandishing a fish which is still flopping madly: "WHO PRECISELY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS??"

Bonzo and Jonesy, pointing angelicly at each other, chorus: "He did it.

Grant, advancing: "Oh, did he?"

Jonesy: "Well it was just an innocent joke. No harm was done....really, Grant, you wouldn't...I mean, I've got kids you know..."

Grant knocks their heads together with resounding thunk. Bonzo reels dizzily across the campsite to flump on Robert's lap. Jonesy sits right where he is, eyes rolling around in his head.

Jimmy, hastily fingering guitar: "Robert! I think I've found a new riff. Do you think you could duplicate that noise you made coming out of the woods?"

Robert, glaring: "Certainly. You provide the bear, I'll provide thepanic."

Harper, calmly anchoring his hanglider with pegs: "I think, breakfast,eh, lads?"

Robert looks at him for one long moment, then slowly retches up the tea he drank but a few minutes previously

Robert: "No thank you. I couldn't eat a thing."

Grant, looking hard at Jonesy and Bonzo: "I could. I could feed on human flesh."

Jonesy: "Perhaps some innocent sausages could give their lives instead?"

Grant, grudgingly: "Oh, very well...but I get more than anyone.... and make sure they're not TOO well cooked..."



TO BE CONTINUED

	To Oxy's Colection of Closet Drama
1