I used to tell the kids that one night I was unable to sleep and got up to go and get a drink of water. As I went down the hall I saw a dragon fly by the window at the far end, and naturally being curious I dashed to the end of the hall to look out the window but I stepped on Karac's rolling toy hay baler and went down the stairs instead, flailing madly, and hit the castration implement on the end of the bannister as I went (it's a castration implement because, you know, if you slide down too fast...) with my mouth and that's how my tooth got knocked out, and that's also how I got the haircut of seventyfive or whenever it was because the hay baler had baled half my hair, which Karac thought was marvelous, and he put the hair bales in his toy barn. We never found the tooth, and no one believed me about the dragon. But that wasn't the true story and it had nothing to do with how I became a golden god, which was, I believe, what you would like to know.

Once upon a time, in the next age, when the world was only a few centuries older than it is now, yet still before there were sewage plants and factories and World Wars and before marijuana was illegalised, there was a group of odd people who lived on the banks of the Thames just up from the village that is going to be called London any day now, and eventually develop into a huge city but that's another story. This group of people consisted, basically, of four men and their wives/significant others/female sexual partners, and some of them had children too. They were me, John, John, and James, but these were deemed basically boring as far as names go, plus there was a certain amount of confusion about the Johns, so we called the noiser one Bonzo, and the quieter one John, usually, except sometimes we called him by his last name, which was Jones because he was not a smith. James intensely disliked being called James, and preferred to be referred to as The Wizard, because that's what he was, although it was easy to forget because he was very quiet about it, and unless the castle we lived in went up in flames, or suddenly turned red and purple, we usually ignored it.

The Wizard was a discontented soul for the most part, because the electric guitar had not yet been invented, and there was almost nobody around to have tantric sex with because the other three wives/significant others were a little spooked of the Wizard and pretty devoted to the rest of us. So he sat in his tower and practiced his arts, and sometimes he messed around with Jones's mandolin, in a sort of "ha ha how amusing" way, so everyone knew that he really wasn't interested in learning fingerpicking or anything, but merely bored.

Bonzo and I were responsible for farming. That is, Bonzo was responsible, and I could be depended on most of the time. We plowed and tilled the few fields around the castle, and raised a lot of grain and vegetables, and Bonzo kept some very nice cows of which he was extremely fond. I had goats, which arguably smelled worse than I did. We also kept the castle in repair, which was not too difficult unless the Wizard had been especially busy lately.

Jones was in charge of remarkable inventions. He was working his way around to the electric guitar, which he suspected would get the Wizard away from his mandolin, but first he had been very busy building an organ, the first of its kind in the country, and it was a very big organ and took up a large part of the great hall. All of the people in the tribe of Leddians were extremely musical, especially Robert, er, me, who was known to sing for hours at a time just to annoy Jones, and who could be heard all over the castle when bathing (which I fortunately did very rarely, defending myself on the basis that water was to be drunk, and not bathed in. However I myself drank mostly ale, along with Bonzo).

Except for the Wizard, we were all very happy, and even the Wizard was happy sometimes. Unlike most of the early Celtic tribes we never had wars, partly because no one knew we were there, although the Wizard had been heard to remark, with an eye on me, that it was the stink that kept other people away (Jones, ever the diplomatic and peaceful sort, reminded the Wizard that he was working on a deodorant anti-persperant, but the Wizard said it probably wouldn't do any good anyway. Half the time I don't know what they're talking about, either ofthem).

As a result of being isolated and happy we didn't worry very much. I for instance, was never known to worry at all. Occasionally we had travellers, of course, and so we knew that in other parts of the country people fought, and maybe didn't always have enough to eat, but it never ocurred to any of us Leddians that anyone would want to hurt us. As a consequence we made no weapons or preparations. I had a sword (how I got it is another long story, ask me sometime), but as I never had to use it, it was mostly to look impressive when I rode around on my horse. I'd always sort of hoped I might have to threaten someone with it, and even fight maybe, but never KILL anyone.

One day however, two things happened simultaneously that were to change the lives of all among Leddians for all time. First, the night before, the Wizard had discovered a way to look into the future, by thousands of years. It was quite an accident, although he immediately pretended this was exactly what he'd been trying to do, and he spent all night gazing into his wine, which was where the remarkable visions had appeared. He saw a lot of terribly confusing things, but he ignored them all and focused completely on the musical instruments, which had really developed by about, 1968 A D, and the Wizard became consumed with the desire to hop centuries, or at least build some musical instruments of his own. He saw that there were a lot more people, especially female people, in the future, and that seemed like a good idea to him as well. The food looked more appetising too. He sat, mesmerised, puzzling over in his mind how to get from now to then.

That morning we was repairing the North Tower. It had been struck by lighting in the storm the night before, since the Wizard had for some reason stuck my sword on top of it. The Tower was not badly damaged- the Sword was somewhat charged with electricity and kept shocking me and making my hair stand on end. Bonzo, who was watching, found this very funny. At first we had been afraid to touch the sword, fearingwitchcraft, but Jones had very practically explained that it was just an elementalreaction due to the storm. Jonesy was helping, but was privately puzzling over what the Wizard could want with lightning. He thinks a lot more than Bonzo or I, most of the time, and he always tries to keep step with the Wizard.

It was Jonesy who looked up and saw the danger approaching. Another clan was obviously coming to attack us.

The other tribe carried their banner high- a circled A, flapping in the wind. "It's Jethro Tull," I said with indignation, and promptly fell off the tower on top of Bonzo. "But they look like they want to hurt us," said Bonzo with alarm. Jethro Tull was indeed carrying many ominous looking weapons, and they didn't look very happy. I knew the Tull didn't like us much (we had better cows or something, I don't know.) but they must have been really drunk to want war. "Maybe we could all just go somewhere and smoke something," I suggested. "There's this really odd stuff behind the cowhouse, I tried it in my pipe when the other pipeweed gave out. Makes you pretty dizzy."

"No," said Jones, pressing his hand to his head (and thinking hard).

"Or we could just fart in their general direction," Bonzo said. I was not averse to this, but Jones came to life at this point.

"No," he said, "That's undignified. Besides, we've got to protect ourselves. I'll go tell the Wizard."

The Wizard covered his wine as soon as Jonesy knocked, and quickly threw a blanket over the 'borrowed' mandolin which he had been attempting to electrify in imitation of what he had seen in his wine.

"What? yes?" he said, and then listened as Jones poured forth his tale. "Well, I'll do my best," although he really had no idea of how to magically protect a castle from Jethro Tull.

Bonzo and I got the women and children into a safe room, and then went to find Jones. He was worrying about how to keep the Tull out of the castle itself, since the we only had only a very small moat, and the drawbridge was actually broken, since Bonzo and I had been using it to do chinups and hanging from our knees and other physical exercises. Bonzo thought maybe we should let my goats out to chase the intruders away, but I put my foot down, both of them. After a while it was agreed to let the goats dance along the castle walls, provided they were careful, because it might be a distraction. I still thought that possibly the Tullmight be nice, if allowed to be, but Jonesy was adamant. "They'll eat the cows, rape the women, and use my organ," he said, and that settled it.

So Bonzo and I fastened the drawbridge shut as best we could with rope, and the goats were loosed to dance on the top. Jonesy fretted and paced, and the Tull approached, ever closer and closer. I could hear them and oof, they sounded terrible. "I think," Jones said charitably, "that they're trying to sing." After a while we all went to sit on the castlewalls near the goats and stare at the Tull coming up the road.

When they had quite approached the Tull called out with one voice, "SURRENDER YOUR CASTLE!"

"Bloody hell no," said I, and swung my legs. As an afterthought, I spat in their general direction.

"Don't do that," said Jones, "You'll just make them madder." We all three sat and swung our legs, and grinned at the Tull.

This went on all day. No matter what the Tull yelled- and a lot of it was right nasty and not fit to be repeated, although I remembered most of it for future occasions- we three bold, brave, and planless Leddians sat and swung our legs, and occasionally threw rocks, and hoped the Tull wouldn't figure out that the drawbridge pulled down as easily as it did.

When it was getting dark, Jonesy began to feel discouraged. Bonzo was asleep, and I was yawning tremendously. Jones was thinking. The ale supply was running low, and he missed his organ. The Tull could technically camp out for days, and sooner or later the Leddians would run out of food. Bonzo's cows would have to be eaten, and my goats, and besides the children would grow up under the shadow of oppression.

There was a boom from the East Tower, and a flash of light, and Jonesy remembered that the Wizard had promised to do what he could. "I'm going to talk to Jim," he said, hopping up. "I'm coming too," I said, sticking out my tongue at the Tull as we departed.

Jimmy wasn't in the Tower. Jones looked everywhere, but all he found was a cup of steaming wine which had light rippling through it, and his own mandolin, irretrievably altered beyond belief and hooked up to a large square contraption. He touched the mandolin and it made an odd reverberating sound.

Suddenly there was a splash and Jones whirled to see Jimmy standing there dripping wet and looking dazed. "Where were you?" Jones demanded.

"The twentieth century," said Jimmy happily. "They have Gibsons there."

"What's a Gibson?" I asked, and Pagey looked cagey.

"Never you mind," he said. "Now listen, you two.. where's Bonzo?"

"Asleep," said Jones, "And guarding the castle. We're-"

But the Wizard cut him off. "I've been to the future," he said. "The buildings are warmer, the food tastes better, there's more women, and even if it weren't for all that, there's Gibsons. At least, that's what the nicest ones were called. It's a lot better than now. I'm planning on going back there for good, and I want you all to come with me. I think we'll fit in, even be a success. There's this thing called rock music, and I do believe we could make a go at it. We'd be extremely rich..."

"What's rich?" I asked.

"Lots of castles," said Jones.

Thunder rumbled in the distance.

"And we could all give up this nasty meddling around with cows and goats and kids," said the Wizard, as if he had just solved all our problems.

"I like my goats," I said, "and I don't think we need another castle. This one's huge."

"I like my children," said Jones, "And Bonzo likes his cows. But it might be a good idea to go to the future, and fast, because we're being attacked."

"Oh yes," said the Wizard, narrowing his eyes, "I'd forgotten that." He turned to me. "Why haven't you used your sword?" I put my hand on the sword and showed him how my hair lifted slightly when I did. The Wizard cracked a very small smile. "We should ALL go to the future," he said, "And you'll never have to fight anyone."

"Is it safe for children?" asked Jones, and then there was a horriblesound of wood being battered and smashed. "They're in!" Jonesy yelped, and we dashed down the tower to the upper courtyard, where we could see the Tull hammering at the drawbridge, their mallets and other things already starting to poke through.

"I'm sorry, Robert," said Jones, "But I think you're going to have to use your sword."

I didn't want to tell him I had no idea how. "Right," I said. "You getBonzo and the two of you get the women and children to the Tower. I'll keep the Tull out til then... give me a holler when they're all safe, and I'll come running." As he turned to go, I added, "Jones... could you see that my goats make it too?" Jonesy made a face but he nodded. The rain began to fall as he left, and I turned to face the rapidly shattering drawbridge, and the Tull.

It took a minute, and I couldn't think what to do. I could hardly just stand there. Any moment they would be upon me. I glanced up toward the Tower, toward the Wizard, and I thought of his lightning, and hoping against hope I raised the sword. I saw the Wizard appear out of the corner of my eye, and I saw him lift his hand. Then I saw the lightning flash, and it struck my raised sword just as the Tull burst through the broken drawbridge. I felt the fire go all through me, humming and burning, and I was certain I was going to die, and I opened my mouth and let out a scream such as I had never screamed, I swear it shook the castle. Bonzo, who was watching from the ledge where he and Jones were shepherding the children across, told me later that it looked like I was on fire, alive with golden light. It musthave been rather impressive, but at the time I had no idea of course.

The Tull fell over, or anyway a lot of them did. The leader and a fewothers were left, and he came at me with his quarterstaff straight at my head, and my mouth was still open, and that's how I lost my tooth. But then I knocked him over, and we fought for a long time while Jonesy and Bonzo got every single woman, child, goat, and cow into the future. It's hard fighting more than one person. I don't recommend it. I had to be awfully quick and twice as clever as any of them (though THAT wasn't hard). And my mouth was bleeding. It seemed like forever before I heard Jones calling me. I dealt the Main Tull a blow on the head with my fist and bolted up the stairway and into the door before they could retaliate. Jonesy shot the bolt home and turned to Jimmy. "All in," he said.

Jimmy smiled, a very satisfied smile, and raised his goblet of wine. "Then be ready," he said, and held the glass to Bonzo's mouth. Bonzo took a sip and then suddenly he wasn't there at all, and my stomach churned.

"Does it hurt?" I asked.

"You're already bleeding. How much worse can it get?" Jones was leaning against the door, but he came forward and took the wine offered him, and then he also wasn't there at all.

"Yes," I said, "but... well..."

There was a banging noise and I knew the Tull had rallied and were at the door.

"Your wife," said the Wizard, "Your children...your goats.. they're all waiting."

"All right," I said. "But I lost my tooth."

"You can get another tooth in the future. They do that there." He held out the wine and I drank.

It was like falling into golden light. I fell and fell and the light wasall around me and noise swirled and I screamed again, and then the Lady came to me, the same Lady who once gave me the sword, and she told me to sing instead of scream, and I did. Then I stumbled and almost fell as I hit a rough surface, and I heard a roar of many voices, and I heard myself still singing, and the voices became faces. They lifted their arms to me and cried out, and I knew then that I was a golden god, because I was passing through time and not dying, and I was adored for it. Suddenly I felt a hand on my arm and I turned to see the Wizard beside me. "You went too far," he said,. and back we went into the light and sound. Then I fell again, onto cold stone. I thought I was back in the castle, but Iwasn't. I was in a low stone room filled with strange bare furnishings, and our wives and children all were there as well. Jones and Bonzo were guarding the door.

The Wizard was beside me, holding my arm. "Well," he said, "All safely here? Good. We have a long way to walk. We can't stay here." And he nodded to Jones, who led us out of the room, up a flight of stairs into daylight. Bonzo and I hung to the rear, comforting our wives and children and various livestock.

We hadn't walked very far when we came to a wood, and we decided to spend the night there. The Wizard made fire, and we had dinner (an innocent rabbit. At least it wasn't one of my goats), and then the wives and children went to sleep. When the fire had burned out, it was my watch. The moon had already set when I heard it... a dreadful noise... I shook the Wizard...

"You fool," I said, "The Tull came after us and drank the wine. They're here too."

The Wizard sat up and blinked at me, and then he listened. "Damn," he said, and then, "Oh well. A lot of good it will do them. We were cut out to be a band, but they're no earthly good at all." And then he went back to sleep. After a while I leaned back against the tree, still feeling the hole in my mouth with my tongue, and wondering what the future would be like... feeling myself still glowing with lightning and wine, a golden god who had won out against time itself. I knew that one day I would find again the voices that had called out to me, the faces that had turned towards me, the arms reaching up at me, my people.

Of course we did become a band, and a rather good one, and the Tull also became a band, and a rather bad one, but those are both other stories, and all I ever set out to tell you was how I lost my tooth, and became a golden god.

Just now I took a swig of some of Jimmy's juice and after all of the flashing and churning ended, I showed up here, in the first age. It must have been an unmarked bottle of Elcipse that I drank from to bring me here. But now I rejoice that all of my time travelling has brought me to you, my Goldberry.