The Beginning, Middle, and End of Sheldon C. Turtle
A Nihilist Fable by Lia!
Sea turtles lay their eggs on sandy beaches, and everyone knows that after the sea turtles are hatched they have to run a gauntlet as they make their way towards the sea.
One little sea turtle hatched from his little shell, kicked himself free of the little bits of egg-shrapnel and was immediately snatched up and devoured by a large bald eagle.
This story is not about that turtle.
This is the story of Sheldon C. Turtle who hatched at much the same time on much the same beach in much the same way. Soon after hatching Sheldon was attacked by much the same eagle but Sheldon’s shell was much harder.
The eagle scooped Sheldon up in his talons and crushed and crushed but the shell did not crack and the eagle pecked and clawed and tossed Sheldon against some sharp rocks but the shell did not crack and finally the eagle let Sheldon go – dropping him several hundred feet.
Battered, near broken, close to death and tumbling earthward Sheldon in his anguish experienced flight.
With a thud Sheldon landed face down in the dirt on the beach a long long way from the sea.
Battered and broken and bleeding, Sheldon lay limp on the dirt. He tucked himself inside of his shell, curled up into a tight little turtle-ball in a safe little bit of darkness and waited for the healing to start.
As he waited and healed Sheldon thought about the feelings of flight he had while soaring in the eagle’s claws and wondered if that was what it would feel like when he reached the sea.
Time passed and slowly, slowly, Sheldon’s pain subsided and his wounds healed and slowly, slowly, he gained the strength to pop his little head out of his shell and look towards the sea.
When Sheldon’s head emerged from his shell a giant bumblebee darted down from the sky and stung him in the eyes.
He pulled his head back in and waited for his eyes to heal and let him see daylight again for now was just burning darkness.
Time passed and the light returned to Sheldon’s eyes. Slowly, slowly, he emerged from his shell. Slowly, slowly, he began to move towards the sea.
And at this time Sheldon had a God who watched over him from high above and who Sheldon faithfully believed would guide him safely to the sea.
God had other ideas – being more whimsical sadist than blessed redeemer of sea turtles he gained endless hours of amusement from observing Sheldon’s plight, and seeing that the turtle was making some slight progress God concluded that the time had come to smite him.
So as Sheldon struggled slowly seaward a stampede of very large African elephants tore their way across the beach and likewise tore their way across a certain little turtle.
Beaten, bloody, and stuck on his back the little turtle decided not to believe in God anymore.
God immediately fell from the sky and died and was replaced by a vast and infinite expanse of Nothing Which offered no meaning and was indifferent to the plight of sea turtles.
Sheldon was making progress.
So the battered and bloody little nihilist turtle tucked up tight in his shell again and waited to heal again and slowly, slowly, the healing came and in time and with caution he ventured forth from his shell and slowly, slowly began to move towards the sea.
He struggled along over scraping rocks and cutting barnacles with dirt in his eyes and slowly, slowly, moved forward until he could actually see the sea.
Then along came Godzilla who scooped Sheldon up with his massive jaws and chewed him up and spit him out with such force that he landed a long long way from the sea.
So there he was again, tucked up in his hard little darkness waiting to heal so he could start again his interminably abusive journey seaward.
And he healed again and he walked again and repeated the same steps in futility, meeting many more bumblebees and Godzillas until one day, one glorious day, he made it to the edge of the sea.
Sheldon sighed a sigh of weariness and relieved triumph. He stepped into the tepid waters and began to swim. Sheldon felt joy for the very first time as the water swished between his legs and he recalled the feeling of flight. A happy little orca swam up to the little turtle, nudged its nose gently against him, opened its mouth and swallowed Sheldon whole. (The orca’s name was Klee Wyck)
But don’t cry for Sheldon, it could have been worse. Another turtle named Seamore suffered much the same plight and continues to suffer – pushing blindly forward unaware that the egg from which he hatched was located in the middle of the Sahara desert.
How did a sea turtle egg get there? you ask. . .well who the hell knows – he still has to deal with it.
