I don't lie, it's not getting any easier
I don't really feel the weight lifted off my shoulders
I just feel sort of empty and meaningless.
I had a dream this morning that was affecting
I was some woman, think I had an older teenage daughter
People were psychotic, trying to get into our huge house,
I don't know why they all were clawing to get in,
It was like a mob scene for someone famous
But we had to run around and shut all the windows in this mansion
I was thinking, I hate this, now no fresh air will come into this house
The house was endless, and I found myself wandering into the room
The room of my dead husband, with all his clothes hanging there, just
As he left them, and pictures of us, and all this artwork, and
I just started to fall apart, started crying, stopped running
Stopped caring about the windows.
Then snapped out of it and continued shutting windows
Found myself by our sparkling olympic size pool and
Just didn't see the point of why we had such a big house
It was all meaningless, cause he was gone
I felt empty
I don't know why I write of this, just that it was one of
Those dreams, the kind that make me sad for the rest of the day
I know you hate me, I am resigned to that
In my own way I hate you too, makes it easier
Cause it's not getting any easier, only more difficult
Have to give me credit though, I haven't picked up the phone
Or emailed.  You did a good job of making me not want to talk to you
Even though for some reason I still want to
To tell you what cd's I bought, to just laugh and forget 
Figure my page is my space, so I can write whatever I want to
Here
Strange thing is I don't really miss you, I miss the idea of you
The good person I know you could be, without the mean side
Just like I pretend I could be a good person too, without all the faults
I miss the idealized version of what we could have been and who we, individually, could be
But it wasn't reality, so I guess I am missing nothing, really
At least I get to leave soon, go on vacation
I need to be away from this excess, and work
And all my demons here
Will come back though, with nothing changed
Just a week without excess, without the old habits
I figured I'd keep my writings to myself, but that dream
I guess it made me feel I had to write this
For me, and no one else
Thinking aloud
I don't know what else to say really
The grey day matches my feelings
I hope you're ok…I don't know why I care
I don't have any aspirations for me, for anyone else
I guess I just hope it'll all end up ok
I am sure it will
….finding something out there, more internal peace is 
what I wish for more than anything…it will come in time

10-5-00