Who shall inherit the earth? Not the meek, says Paul McDermott
The meek shall inherit the earth." This is a mistake not on the part of the speaker, but on the part of the all-to-human translators. The original error was made in the translation from Hebrew into Greek and further compounded by an error in the translation of Greek into Latin.
From then on, who knows what happened? I have no facts to back me up on this and I certainly have not engaged in any research on the matter. It's a gut feeling and thus very difficult to refute in academic terms. It is my assumption that the correct translation of the phrase should be: "The petty will inherit the earth," primarily because it makes sense.
The petty deserve the earth, and besides, where else could we go? The residents of Heaven would hardly be interested in us constantly bitchin' 'bout the place. We shouldn't go to Hell because, unless the Church's stance has changed, I don't think pettiness is mortal sin. Ergo - we get the earth.
There has been a great deal of mail generated by last week's column concerning my pettiness. Many readers believed they had a similar gift for intolerance, a few were appalled and others wished to learn more. The question that arose more than any other was: how can I become more petty?
For those enquiring minds I have attempted to deconstruct my own pettiness, but let me say this: the truly petty are born, not made. I am a complainer. Even when there is nothing to complain about, I complain. It's the only way I know how to make a conversation.
Some of you may aspire to depths of pettiness that are beyond you. You may be too good-natured, annoyingly positive, cringingly sentimental or have faith in humanity. With time these qualities under a patient, watchful eye can be ironed out and may disappear completely. The more you make others suffer, the greater your feeling of accomplishment. Hence the phrase "No pain - no gain."
Before long you should start feeling the benefit of this regimen and join the ranks of the consciously petty. Never let a moment pass you by, you have a right to comment on anything. Never forget, it's your planet too (and with time it will be all yours).
Attitude, repetition, suspicion, expectation. By following these four simple steps, you can become very petty in a short time. If you don't see immediate results, just try harder.
Attitude: This is a term you should hear often and employ yourself wherever possible. It is normally preceded by the words "I don't like your..." or "It is a question of your..." It will enable you to neatly side-step questions by deflecting attention to your accuser. If anyone has the audacity to query the extent of your pain, the validity of a story, is indifferent or suggests you're exaggerating - question their attitude. Never forget: there is only one way to view a situation and it's yours.
Repetition: Repetition is a major weapon in the arsenal of the petty. When properly applied it will wear your opponent down. Repeat, repeat, repeat, go on and on and on, labour your point and when you stop - continue. When repetition is combined with lethal amounts of bitterness you have a dynamic combination.
Suspicion: The petty person thrives on the misfortunes of others. To capitalise on an error you must be aware of it; therefore, always be on the look-out for mistakes. Watch your acquaintances continually, make them nervous, be suspicious of their actions, thoughts and motivations. Let them know you are watching them. This will make them more nervous and more capable of failure.
Expectation: I have saved the best for last. Expectation is the greatest tool available to you. Optimism guarantees misery and false hope produces the perfect situation for a petty outburst. Push the level of expectation up very high and you have nowhere to go but down. Regardless of the situation, always expect too much from it.
Every day, more disenfranchised people join the ranks of the petty. There are millions of us and we are the true democrats. The petty do not recognise race, colour, religion, disability or sexual preference... to us, anyone is fair game.
Remember, the only person in the world who is truly disadvantaged is you. So it seems only fair that you and the rest of us get this spinning ball of mud. If I'm wrong and we don't get the world, we'll make it hell for them in heaven, just like we made it hell for them on earth. The truly petty can make a mountain out of thin air. Now that's a miracle.
By Paul McDermott, appeared in Sunday Life (the Sun Herald supplement) March 15 1998
