This is something that I wrote a while ago. I'm only putting in it here on the request of a friend. It's just something that came to me in one of my many states of confusion.
JULY 5, 1996
Unknown feelings errupt in my soul. Emotions evolve from God knows where. All these things seem to be trapped somewhere within the depths of my existence. They emerge merely to be noticed. Then they flee as if to remain unrecognized. Although I'm not really sure who they is, they say "your body, your mind, and your soul must be as one in order to experience true happiness."
This statement leads me to a question that remains so answerless. Where does your heart belong? My soul seems to be ungraspable. My mind, too rational for emotions, and the only muscle in my body that I cannot feel seems to be my heart. I believe that my heart is its own being, unable to comprehend logic, unaware of the services it provides to my body, and completely oblivious to the meaning of a soul. So, I'll ask again, where does my heart belong?
One day I decided...
NOVEMBER 5, 1997
My favorite thing to do when I'm walking across campus...or anywhere for that matter...is to crunch leaves. I especially like maple leaves. They seem to be the biggest, so they make the loudest crunch.
GROSS!
SEPTEMBER 28, 1998
I really use to believe that crickets were good luck. Well if they are, then our town is going to do wonderous this year. It is INFESTED with crickets! Never in my life have I seen such an abundance of one species. *shivering* It is so disgusting. In efforts to rid them, there have become massive cricket massacre sights! Oh and the stench! It is so aweful. Perhaps it will become the plot of a new horror film! *LOL*
Tug-a-War
March 10, 1998
Sometimes...I think it's possible to pull something away from you as you push to have it near you. That may seem backwards, but that's the way I mean it. Normally, when you pull on something, you're trying to get it closer to you. Likewise, when you're pushing...you usually want that thing to be farther from you. Not me. I think it's because of the lack of control that is involved in pushing. I can push whatever I want, that doesn't mean that what I'm pushing will wind up in the right spot. However...if I'm pulling something....I get to be the navigator, the director if you will. So, while I may be pushing something away from me I do not have control over it's destination or how far it gets from me. However, when I pull it closer I am the decision maker. That may seem a bit selfish or whatever, but if you think about it for a bit, it makes sense.
This is something that I wrote at after a party at Jennifer's. I was half intoxicated and half asleep. Shawn hit me and woke me up after I'd passed out and told me to write in his sketch pad. This is the result. Word for word... Inside Out
February 13, 2000
Upside down. Inside out. It doesn't matter. It's all fixed up. Sideways. Inside out. Smelling perfume is what it's about. Twisted emotions. Silly phrases. Does it make you feel like pineapple upsidedown cake? It is good. I can feel it. I want to taste it. It's good. Flipping inside out. Twisting in my sleep. Jumping inside out. Wanting to scream and shout. It's under control. I have power. I want to run and scream. I want to fall inside out. Tripping. Ecstasy. Wanting to be me. It's fear. It's hate. It's love. It's pain. Going insane. I'm done now!
I don't know.
March 13, 2000
Why can't that be my answer? I don't know. It is so much the truth it's not even funny. I can use that one phrase...those three simple words (unless you count the contraction as two, then it's 4 words, but anyway) for any situation, and it will always hold true. Why is it that the only absolute truth is the most unabsolute thing there is!? The unknown. Again. I don't know. The only thing I can be certain of is uncertainty. The only thing I can count on is change. The only thing I can expect is nothing. The only thing I search for I cannot find. The only thing I find I don't want. The only thing I see isn't there. The only thing I want I can never have. The only question I'd like answered is, "Why?" The only answer I have is, "I don't know."
Corny Brownies
July 10, 2001
The highlight of my day today was having corn in my brownie. Yes, that's right. Golden yellow kernels of corn in my chocolate fudge brownie. I hate it when you buy TV dinners, and they are thawed just enough to where they shift around in the box. Then when you put then in the freezer on their side (because that's the best way to fit them in without taking up too much room) all the food gets frozen in the wrong places. I had a choice to make. I could either eat my corn infested brownie, or pick out the chocolate covered corn kernels. Hmm... I'm suprised that's not a carnival food. Chocolate covered corn. They could use that chocolate dip stuff they use with icecream cones and dip corn on the cob in it. I bet that would be nasty. That's probably why it's not a big hit anywhere. Oh well. Just a thought.