Effin' Impossible

International diplomacy gets set back 1000 years in The Art of War

I'd heard that a big-budget movie version of Spiderman was in the works, but who knew it would be out so soon? And with a different name? And starring Wesley Snipes? And be so bad?

Snipes plays taciturn man of action Neil Shaw, secret operative for the American ambassador to the United Nations. In the course of trying to foil a plot to derail a historic trade agreement with China, Shaw utilizes an arsenal that includes unbeatable martial arts skills, world-class marksmanship, loads of technical gadgetry, near-miraculous recovery from injuries, "spider sense," and the ability to jump from second- and third-story windows and rooftops while dodging a hail of bullets and still run the 100 in 9.9 with no ill effects. And he can dunk a basketball. Maybe I missed a scene involving a radioactive tarantula bite, but that sounds awfully Peter Parker to me. It's a good thing he has all these powers, though, since he gets blamed for murdering the Chinese ambassador and must take matters in hand to solve the mystery, clear his name, and make the world safe for cheaper Nikes.

The only reason I know for sure that Marvel Comics didn't have anything to do with this (they are the source for two future Snipes superhero projects - a Blade sequel and Black Panther) is that it looks more like it was greenlighted by Pat Buchanan than by Stan Lee. All kinds of paranoiac rhetoric, which could have been lifted straight from a Buchanan stump speech, gets lobbed around about China, free trade, and world government. Plus, it treats women really harshly. In once scene a female translator is beaten and shot point blank several times, then Shaw shows up and uses his spider sense to recreate the killing in his head, adding further gruesome details. This mess finally wraps up with an outrageously laughable shootout and brawl that hopes some bullet-time FX will make it watchable.

Scripted by Wayne Beach, who wrote Snipes' similarly themed Murder at 1600, The Art of War is most notable for illustrating what happens to former A- and B-list actors whose talents go wasted simply because they're no longer in vogue. Anne Archer (Fatal Attraction, Clear and Present Danger, Patriot Games) and Cameron staple Michael Biehn (The Terminator, Aliens, The Abyss) play Shaw's cohorts, while Donald Sutherland plays the U. S. ambassador. The only entertaining turn comes from Maury Chaykin (Entrapment) as a wry, put-upon FBI agent enduring the thankless task of cleaning up after each successive bloodbath.

I will give the filmmakers credit for including a line that describes their own efforts better and more succinctly than I ever could: "Don't you think the strong, silent type cliché is becoming tiresome?" D+


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