Get your own Free Home Page
End of Days, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first movie after a couple years of downtime for heart surgery (he hadn’t appeared onscreen since 1997’s Batman & Robin) follows his usual formula: a mid-to-high zoot director of his choosing (Peter Hyams -- The Relic); a here-and-there engaging screenplay by a bankable writer (Andrew Marlowe -- Air Force One); a credible supporting cast (see below) that will not so much act as compete; and an effects crew big enough to change the balance of power in most Third World armed conflicts. It’s not hard to picture the formative power-lunches of its gestation --
“Okay, what haff you got foah me dis time? I’m feeling stronguh dan evuh, and I wan to make shuah I come back kicking mayjuh ahss.”
“Major ice?”
“Mayjor ahss. AHSS. Don’t make me come ovah deyuh.”
“Well, you’ve already tackled sorcerers, barbarians, androids, mercenaries, the mob, schoolchildren, aliens, nature, corrupt government officials, and George Clooney. So we figured it was time to pit the Austrian Oak against something really big -- Satan.”
“Sayt’n? Dat loozuh? Why can’t I fight Gott?”
“I’m not sure battling The Almighty would be such a good idea right now, what with this Dogma thing coming up. You don’t want to to rile The Church any more than it already has been. Besides, what would Maria and the Kennedys think?"
“Yah, yoah probably right. And I wan to haff annudduh tree oah foah kids, so I haf to stay on huh goot side -- if you know wud I mean.”
“Sure. And what would make Catholics happier than Arnold kicking Satan’s ass, right? We’ll save God for the sequel.”
“Yah. But I wan some drrrah-ma in deyuh, too, so peep’l won’t tink I’m just dis great big 52-year-old piece of meat dut cannuht aakt.”
“Oh, it’s got loads of drrrah-ma -- I mean, drama. You play an ex-New York cop who’s now the world’s toughest bodyguard. But deep down he’s hurting because his wife and little girl were killed by burglars, so now he’s an alcoholic. You know, mean on the outside, vulnerable on the inside.”
“Yah, I like dat tenduh stuff -- maybe I could have a big emohshn’l zeen wheyuh I tink about killing myself und get a bunch of sympuhttee like Mel Gibson in Leet’l Weapon.”
“Little Weapon?”
“Leet’l Weapon. ‘LEET’L.’ Do I haff to cahhve it into yoah foahhead wit dis buddah knife?”
“Anyway, it’s a couple days before the Millennium, and Satan gets out of Hell every thousand years because it supposedly says that somewhere in the Bible, but if he can have sex with this girl who was born 20 years earlier under the sign of a comet and has been raised by devil-worshippers just for this purpose, he’ll stay out and take over the world. But he has to assume human form to have sex, so guess whose body he possesses. Go on, guess."
“Pass duh sahhlt.”
“The rich banker that you are guarding! And after being locked up in the sewers of of New York City for a thousand years, Satan’s really pissed and horny. But there’s this group -- kind of like God’s CIA -- that knows who he is and tries to kill him before you realize he’s the Devil, so you get to have a really cool rooftop helicopter chase and run down their assassin. Then there’s another group -- kind of like God’s Michigan Militia -- that knows about the girl, so they try to kill her even though she’s really innocent, and you have to figure it all out, find your faith again because you don’t believe in God since you lost your family, protect the girl, strap on some big guns, kick Satan’s ass, and save the world.”
“Whud abowd a tagline -- do I get to say ‘hasta la vista, Satan’?”
“Almost. How’s this sound: ‘Between your faith and my Glock nine millimeter, I’ll take my Glock.”
“I don’t know...kind of wuhddy.”
“Woody? When did Woody Allen ever say anything like that?”
“Not ‘wuhddy.’ ‘WUHDDY.’ As in, ‘too menny wuhds to fit on a McDonald’s tie-in drink cup.’ And if you make one moah crack aboud duh ak-s’nt I’m going to reach down yoah troat and untie dose Guccis from duh inside out.”
“Well, considering people blow apart, a priest cuts his tongue off, and you get crucified, I don’t know if Micky D’s is gonna sign on for this one.”
“So we take it to Buhguh Keeng. Dey’ll sign on foah anyting.”
Because Schwarzenegger is so likable, and has always seemed willing to not take himself too seriously, you forgive more than you would with somebody like, say, Steven Seagal. End of Days actually starts off pretty strong, with some top-notch action sequences and Lucifer (Gabriel Byrne) striding through walls of flame to the strains of Rob Zombie’s “Superbeast.” But indie heroine Robin Tunney, from Niagara, Niagara and The Craft, doesn’t get to do much as the Devil’s intended besides bounce off scenery and play tough little demented girl. Similarly, Rod Steiger shows up as the priest, also alcoholic, who challenges Arnold’s biblically-named Jericho Cane (now there’s a job I’d be good at: naming Schwarzenegger heroes; I would’ve called this one Adam Sanctuary) to use faith rather than bullets as a weapon, but supplying little more than glib exposition. Better utilized is Kevin Pollack, dispensing a welcome dose of signature dry wit as Cane’s partner.
If your holiday entertainment specifies something so far over the top you may be reaching for the overhead oxygen masks, you could hardly go wrong. C+
Get your own Free Home Page