Attn: Editor, Creative Loafing:
I’m going to need a little help preparing this week’s expense sheet. How much do you think I should claim for losing 82 minutes of irreplaceable lifetime sitting through this bowzer? And is there a conversion factor for Greenville, since the claim forms go to the home office in Atlanta, and everybody says life is cheaper there? If they question the outlay, tell them it was at least useful research time, since Whipped now goes right to the top of my list for Worst Movie of the Year. It’s the first effort by a film-school grad who spent the last couple years eavesdropping in NYC bars and writing down lots of boring, nauseating, mid-brain blather and turning it into a screenplay. Then he got together with a couple of his seventh-grade pals – really – and in 15 days shot a thankfully brief movie comprising almost entirely close-ups since he couldn’t afford any scenery. He did manage to get Amanda Peet -- who as a dental hygienist/hitgirl brandished a gun and her boobs in The Whole Nine Yards -- because she lives with one of his friends, but all she provides is a fourth-rate Sarah Jessica Parker imitation. And the rest of the acting is even worse. No joke, man, I think I deserve a raise, or at least a better parking place than my spot next door at the funeral home, for sitting through this one. See what you can do for me, okay?
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