Barry!!!
What can I say about Barry? I guess I should start with...
| His origins | ||
 Barry in action! |
Barry was a young man, hip to the groove in the late 1970's. A tall, lanky fellow, Barry's two moustaches and one eyebrow earned him admiration and respect from his peers. His hobbies included drinking Schlitz and attending weddings. He lived in his parents' basement, a dank room whose wood-paneled walls were covered with Kiss posters and taped-up album covers. Barry was quite the party guy and would often invite several chicks over at once. He was very popular with the ladies despite his high, whining voice. When Schlitzed, which was usually, Barry would slur and add extra "r"s in the center of words. His most treasured possessions in the world were his brown El Camino, nicknamed "Lenny" after a long lost childhood friend, and the $20 bale of marijuana he kept in the back seat for "special occasions." | |
How Barry Evaded the Draft |
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| When Barry heard about the War, he hid in his parents' basement for seven years. He had no contact with the outside world (save one), so he didn't hear when the War was over. The only contact with society he had was with the pizza delivery place down the street. Daily Barry would call and order two six packs of Schlitz and three large pizzas. Here is a rare transcription of one of his conversations with the restaurant staff:
Barry: "Hey, is this Pizza Plaza?" Mr. Yang: "Yes, can I help you?" Barry: "Yeah, doord, can I get like three large... pizzas and two sixers of Schlitz?" Mr. Yang: "Is this Barry?!" Barry: (stutters) "Uh... nnno, man, this is, like... Garry. Hey, is the war still going on?" |
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Saint Barry |
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It was New Year's Eve, about to become January 1, 1980. Barry was Schlitzing it up with his pals when the countdown began. All of a sudden the hand of God came down and pointed at a very frightened and confused Barry. A booming voice rang out: |
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"Barry: I cannot allow thee to leave this decade. You shall become a martyr for your era, the incarnation of all the 70's stand for. You shall not enter the 80's! Come, child!"And Barry was gone, instantly martyred into sainthood. |
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| Legend has it, Barry initially posed a nuisance in Heaven, bothering the other saints for a joint, complaining about the lack of Schlitz, and making insulting, whiny remarks about "all these old guys in dresses." Barry's purpose came full circle, however, when his true role was revealed for three short months in 1996. He became the patron saint of my good little car, Nervosa. His image graced the ceiling above the rearview mirror, keeping both Nervosa and me safe from all harm and guiding us into many an unlikely situation. | ||