I have this image of who I am supposed to be in my life, and on a normal day I can convince myself that I am that person. But sometimes, at unexpected moments, someone or something will totally shatter my train of thought, and I loose myself in self pitty, depression, and anger.
I feel sorry for myself because I always have these periods of time where piled up problems explode in my face, and I dont know where they came from, how to deal with them, or what they even are... And I dont know how I get myself into these situations. Then I remember that this shit has been going on in my life since I can remember... Then I go and blame it on my ADD... If I wasnt born with it, I wouldnt have these problems. If I didnt have ADD, my medical insurance wouldnt be so high, if I didnt have ADD maybe I would be in Collage, or maybe I could get a better job... and so on... and so this all leads to depression, because I seriously dont knw how to deal with this... Sometimes I can convince myself that I have everything under controll... I am not acting like I have ADD, I am compleatly normal. Then again that image will just come strait for me and explode in my face. Then I start to get Angry... What the fuck!
Why do I have to have this shit in my head, why do my brain cells have to not work correctly.... Most people, whose brains dont function normally, dont know that they have a disorder.... they just live life, and that is that... well at least that is how it seems from my point of view. ( I could be veeeery much mistaken... verry... but hey i am just feeling sorry for myself right now)
So I start to think, gee my life is fucked up. I cant function normaly unless on medication, and that only lasts for like 10 hours.... but what do I do for the rest of the day, week, month, year? WHY? Why because I was born with this fucked up disability, I now that I am an adult, have to work my ass of, to pay soooo much money so that I can have this drug in my system for the rest of my life... So that I can pay kaiser to stabalize my brain... because my parents had this fucked up gene in their body, they passed it on to me, who didnt even ask to be born, and now that I am an adult, I have to pay for something I cant even help haveing...
and I have to live in a world where I am expected to be normal, and function correctly. When people get to know me well enough to realize that sometimes I am not all there, sometimes I act really wierd, sometimes I just dont do or say the right things, even though I try soooo hard to be "normal" and they still notice it, That is what makes me angry.
That I cant controll sertain things in my life. I use to take pride in accepting that certain things are uncontrollable: the universe, the world, oother people... But I thought I could controll myself, and it is desturbing that I cant control myslef.
I cant think properly. And because of this I loose friends, I get into things that I dont know how to deal with, and most of all I dissapoint people who are verry important to me.
