So how bad is it to just want things to be beautiful.  I want my life to be beautiful.  I want everything that I once loved, to come back.  I want to keep it all in a bottle next to my pillow at night.  and this time around I would pay more attention, I would put more thought into everything I said and did so that I could keep everything around longer. A friend and I were just talking about "normal" guys, vs. "non-normal guys".  She has never really had what I have had, and I have never had what she has.  We balance eachother out.  But she asked what it was like to have a "normal guy, and this is what I came up with: going to bed every night with someone, and wakeing up before they do, and watching them sleep, curling up on the couch and watching TV, or listening to music. running random, boreing  errands with them. going out with a bunch of friends getting in the car and going to the gas station, and sitting in the car alone while he pumps the gas, knowing that later that night you two would be home, in eachoter's arms, and everything is good. getting a handmade little "I love you" card with cute little doodles all over it. shaveing his head for him, or washing his hair for him after you dye it some crazy color. Holding hands in the car taking him home, and then staying an hour too late because you couldnt say good bye. one of you showing up at the others house unexpected, and feeling excited at the site of one another. He ditches his school, to go to your college class to suprise you when you come outside.  he does backflips outside of your classroom to get you attention. sitting in the car talking forever about nothing in particular. holding eachoter when the other is sad or upset. CUDDLING!!!  I miss that the most.
			this little diddty is dedicated to the two most important men that have been in my life, the two most profound individuals who helped shape who I am and how I behave today. Mike and Nathan you both know who you are.  I love you two verry much, and I dont think I will ever stop nomatter what fucked up shit may or might have happened.
		this song is called Dialate, and it best expresses my feelings right about now: Life used to be life-like. now it is more like show biz I wake up in the night and I odnt know where the bathroom is and I dont know what town I'm in or what sky I'm under and I wake up in the darkness and I dont have the will anymore to wander everyone hase a skeleton and a closet to keep it in, and you're mine. every song has a you, a you that the singer sings to. and your it this time. Baby, you're it this time. when I need to wipe my face I use the back of my hand, and I like to take up space, just because I can. and I use my dress to wipe up my drink, you know I care less and less what people think. You are so lame. you always dissapoint me. It's kinda like a running joke, but it's really not funny. I just want you to live up to the image of you I create. I see you and I'm so unsatisfied. I see you and I Dialate. so I'll walk the plank and I'll jump with a smile. If I'm gonna go down, I'm gonna do it with style. and you wont see me surrender, you wont hear me confess. 'cuz you've left me with nothing, but I've worked with less. And I learn every room long enough to make it to hte door, and I hear it click shut behind me.  And every key works differently. I forget every time, and the forgetting defines me. When I say you sucked my brain out, the English translation, is I am in love with you and it is no fun. but I dont use words like LOVE because words like that dont matter. But dont look so offended, you know you should be flattered. I wake up in the night in some big hotel bed.  My hands grope for the light. my hands grope for my head. THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER. THE ROAD IS MY HOME. AND I KNOW I'M BETTER OFF ALONE!