whatthef

I have been thinking alot lately. I have alot of time on my hands, and nothing else to do but think... which is a rare thing for me. I have realized that I have become very bored with my life, nothing keeps me happy for too long. Then again life is full of unhappyness and every once and a while you can stumble upon something that distracts you from that unhappy hole you are always in. Lately I havent been haveing any of those "happy spurts"
I am bored of people... they are all the same, and they stay that way. At least the ones I see most frequently. I dont mind work at all, it gives me something to focus on for 8 hours a day 5 days a week. But what about the rest of the 16 hours in a day? I am so bored. I cant seem to get myself out of this funk. I used to be able to find something to do all the time.

I guess it is good. I have begun to pick up reading again, I just finished the biography of Marilyn Manson. It was one of the greatest things I have ever expierianced. The book left me feeling like I had connected somehow with him.
First off he expressed so many of his ideas and thoughts on life, and people, and the world, which have been cluttering my mind for years, and only now, upon reading this book, has someone givin me the words to express what I couldn't.

The book left me with the feeling that I know Marilyn Manson, that I had expierianced his life with him. Then when I finished the book I became depressed... I did not bond with him, I did not expieriance anything with him at all, and it all made me realize how I am not living my life to my expectations, I am not doing anything to make me feel like I should even go on living... There is no purpose to anything I do. I wake up, go to work, come home from work, fuck around on the internet, go to shows, pay my bills, and worry if my car is going to die on me any day now, every mile I drive.

I indulge myself periodicaly in something very special to me, something I have grown to love in the past year. Something which has changed me, and my mind forever. Like before I found this, I didnt exist compleatly within my own world of Carolin. There was nothing but fuzz up untill the past year. I have learned so much about myself and life, and others, and everything. I have almost changed compleatly because of this. But it all just makes me realize how empty, lonely, and dull my world is.

I have no answers for what I choose to complain anout right now, I wouldnt even know where to begin to fix any of it. But the first step to overcome something, is realizing something is wrong. Now all I have to do is figure out what I have to do to change it all.