The Writings of Mmelvis the Dead RabbitUpdated 3-27-09 Cup of Tea . One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother can) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet? 12-4-08 A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiging and says,' I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough 'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!' 6-27-08 VERY INTERESTING STUFF The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ----------------------------------------- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury. ----------------------------------------- Coca-Cola was originally green. ----------------------------------------- It is impossible to lick your elbow. ----------------------------------------- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ----------------------------------------- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this..) ----------------------------------------- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ----------------------------------------- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 ----------------------------------------- The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 ----------------------------------------- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ----------------------------------------- The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ----------------------------------------- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar ----------------------------------------- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ----------------------------------------- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ----------------------------------------- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ----------------------------------------- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace ----------------------------------------- Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession ----------------------------------------- Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One thousand ----------------------------------------- Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, laser printers , & binary language all have in common? A. All were invented by women. ----------------------------------------- Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey ----------------------------------------- Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day ----------------------------------------- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'Goodnight, sleep tight.' ----------------------------------------- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. ----------------------------------------- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's' ----------------------------------------- Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice. ----------------------------------------- At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! 5-2-08 Mopeds are cool. That�s pretty much a fact. But there are times when you + your moped don�t exactly scream "I�m COOL!" Like say when� 1) You fall off. (Bonus points if you�re not moving.) 2) You have to push it home. (Bonus points for pushing it uphill or along a busy road). 3) It dies and you have to leave the road to fix it or figure out whatever the hell is wrong with it. (Bonus points if this happens more than once within eyeshot of the same people). 4) You do a crappy job bungee-ing something to your rack. It falls off and you don�t notice. You have to retrace your route to find your missing item(s). (Bonus points if your license plate is half falling off too). 5) You get passed by a bicycle. So, when else are you embarrassed by your moped? Or, perhaps the better question is, have you ever been an embarrassment to your moped? (Cuz you know, the moped�s always going to look cool. It�s just when you add the human element that the FAIL starts setting in.) Real Good I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'.. 1-14-08 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady. During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely, " said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. 2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before hepassed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole. 3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve. In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip. 4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path. In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition. 5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts... Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away". Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. From a friend 10-26-07 ----- READ THIS VERY SLOWLY... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND. Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" m ean nothing to you? How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago.. We never did have lunch together. Since we cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on sparse diets of promises made to ourselves when all conditions are perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college. Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit." When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious.. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord. My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy. Now..go have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you c o uld make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? Make sure you read this to the end; you will better understand its message. Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"? When you w orry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over. Updated 10-26-07 From the buell blast Yahoo Group When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop, Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of Black November: "Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head. Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink; And then comes the worst part," he said, not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing." Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice, and diet cola; And as they ate pastries, chocolates, and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed; But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough, when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming..." updated 11-24-06 Top Ten Reasons why Harley riders don't wave back 10. Afraid it will invalidate their 2 year factory warranty. 9. Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise your arm. 8. They refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for. 7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off. 6.Rushing wind would blow scabs off their new tattoos. 5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on their new Harley. 4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by Honda. 3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else. 2. Remember the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on a spiked helmet. 1. They're too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift heir arms. Top Ten Reasons why Gold Wing riders don't wave back 10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture at them. 9. Afraid they might get frostbite if a hand is removed from the heated grip. 8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles of riding have made it too difficult to raise an arm. 7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him. 6. The on-boardespresso machine just finished a double cappuchino. 5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved (thank God for auto-pilot). 4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer. 3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on the on-board radar screen. 2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, headlamp angle, programmable 6-CD player/changer, seat temperature, on-board satellite navigation system and talking on their CB/FRS radio. 1.Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard. Top 10 Reasons why Sportbikers don't wave back: 10. They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to. 9. They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement and respond. 8. You weren't wearing bright enough gear. 7. If they stick their arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of the damned socket! 6. They're too preoccupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips. 5. They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don't want to unbalance themselves while standing on the tank. 4. Their skin tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suit prevents any position other than a near-fetal tuck. 3. Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank top. 2. It's much too hard to do one-handed stoppies. 1. They were too busy slipping their flip-flop back on. Top Ten Reasons why BMW Riders don't wave back 10. New Aerostich suits are too stiff to raise arm. 9. Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form." 8. Your bike isn't weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement. 7. Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat. 6. Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to ipod, XM, or talking on the cell phone. 5. He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!. 4. Wires from Gerbing heated gloves is too short. 3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW. 2. You haven't been properly introduced. 1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture. updated 6-6-06 Chiili Cookoff If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: ************************************************** *** CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge .. 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ************************************************** *** CHILI .. 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ************************************************** *** CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. ************************************************** *** CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili. Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? ************************************************** *** CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. ************************************************** *** CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. ************************************************** *** CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ************************************************** *** CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge .. 3 - No Report updated 4-24-06 It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards. The Stellas are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO .... 5TH PLACE (TIED): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson's son. (I'd say this was life's payback - Harvey) 5TH PLACE (TIED): 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps. (More paybacks - Harvey) 5TH PLACE (TIED): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving the house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage had locked when he pulled it shut. (Karma? - Harvey) The family was on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowners insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000 4TH PLACE: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle dog. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time, as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3RD PLACE: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument 2ND PLACE: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. (She can now pay her cover charge out of the 12 Grand! - Harvey) 1ST PLACE: This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor home. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicle. Update 2-3-06 ZEN SARCASM 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 10. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 11. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 12. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 13. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 14. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 15. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 16. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 18. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 19. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. updated 12-04-05 Story from a reader ...... Excuses not to go to work Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was. ................................................ |