I keep thinking that I want to write the GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL. My mother insists that one real juicy romance novel will set the family up for life. I keep telling her that how can I write about something that I don't understand and quite possibly have never felt? I've looked all over the internet, read all sorts of books, bounced in and out of relationships, and yet the question still remains "what is love? how do I find it? How will I know when I do find it? How do I keep it?" blah blah blah blah blah. It's one of those eternal questions that most of us never are quite sure if we have found the answer or not.
In an effort to appease my family, I decided I would start to do some research for a book entitled "I'm Not The Chiuahuah"
Let me state for the record that I am not actively seeking Mr. Right. I’m not even seeking Mr. RIGHT NOW. I think that given my history, it is important for me keep my options open. Desperation breeds ignorance. When you are desperate for something, you will see what you want, even when it isn’t there, and you will overlook the bad things in a person. People see what they want to see, and it takes a whole lot of personal gumption and will power, and self-truth to look beyond and see reality. I figure if I stay true to myself, my ideals, my boundaries, I will find the person who is right for me.
Mr. Wrong (lasted over two years)
Positive – Tall, courteous, self-motivated, intelligent, handsome, good job, strong family values, easy going, secure, funny, mature, hard working, strong work ethic, responsible, loved kids and dogs
Negative – Predictable, boring, not outgoing, did not express emotions, lacked interpersonal communication skills, volatile temper, Mama’s Boy
Mr. Rebound(Off and On for 1 Year)
Positive: Tall, great lover, funny, affectionate, spontaneous, loved kids & dogs, handsome, mechanically inclined, young (4 years younger), great dancer, outdoorsy, attentive
Negative: Untimely, disrespectful, immature, cheater, manipulative, unmotivated, lazy, liar, immature.
Mr. Worst (9 months)
Positive: Funny, great lover, loved kids & dogs, thoughtful, affectionate, patient, handsome, good job, strong work ethic, mechanically inclined, young (3 years younger), good manners, respectful, prompt, outdoorsy
Negative: Unfaithful, dishonest, manipulative, asshole
Looking back at these relationships, I then decided to make a list of everything I could possibly want in a man. We’re talking every little stupid little detail which would make this guy completely unrealistic, but perfect in every way. This is not a list that you should judge yourself by, it’s OK to be petty at this point, and overly picky.
WHAT I NEED
The other thing I noticed about the list, is that I genuinely felt that I possessed most of those qualities that I needed. It makes sense that you must become that which you wish to attract, whether it is a girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend, etc. I asked myself which of these items I needed to work on within myself. The most obvious, was CONFIDENCE. This is something that I truly lack. I think it is funny that people around me feel that I am very self confident, when infact I am very unsure of myself. There are a few other things I need to work on, but I feel that I will have a better chance of success if I work on one thing at a time.
I think that the difficult part is when you make the ultimate decision to follow your rules and start weeding out the relationships in your life that aren’t working, that are lacking one or more of the required elements of a partner.
THE ROAD TO MR. RIGHT
During all of this pre-planning, I started to hear a little voice in my head saying. Rose, you’ll never find what you are looking for if you are constantly looking for it. I suppose this is true in many ways, however, if you honestly know what you are looking for, then there shouldn’t be a problem with accepting less than what you need. If you go looking for something, but don’t know exactly what you want, you end up settling for less with the hopes you can turn it into what you think you want. You end up wasting your time and theirs because they really weren’t what you NEEDED in the first place. And let me state that I believe it is OK to NEED things. This doesn’t make you needy, it makes you secure in yourself, it helps you set boundaries, and it helps you stay focused and clear about the differences between things you want and things you need.
So I started going out more. I knew that going out to the bars was not the best way to start, but at the time I didn’t feel I had many other options. Then I started going to Thursday Night Fights, Hockey Games, Concerts, etc. These are excellent places to look around and see what is out there. It is also a great time to practice your…. Techniques. I’ll talk more about that later though. I met some really great new girlfriends which made going out much easier, I certainly do not like to go out by myself.
Financially Stable……..Handsome……….Intelligent…….Hard Working
Kind…………………...Good Lover….. . . Tall. . . . . . . . . . .Honest
Likes Kids . . . . . . . . .. . Likes Animals. . . . Creative. . . . . . .Respectful
Funny . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Good Dancer. . . . .Prompt. . . . . . . . Friendly
Faithful. . . . . . . . . . . . . Compassionate. . . . Outdoorsy. . . . . .Mechanically Inclined
Short Hair. . . . . . . . . . . Get’s Along w/ My Family. . . . . . .. Tolerant of my family
Patient . . . . . . . . . .. . . .Like’s My Friends. . . .Doesn’t want to sleep with my friends
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . .Plays Instrument . . . Good Communicator
Outgoing . . . . . . . . . . . .Spontaneous. . . . . . . .Reliable . . . . . . . Encouraging
Independent. . . . . . . . . Open Minded. . . . . . . Likes Sports. . . . .Likes to Read
Affectionate. . . . . . . . .Decisive… . . . . . . .. . .Playfull. . . . . . . .Healthy
Motivated. . . . . . . . . .Perceptive. . . . . . . . . Modest. . . . . . . .Wicked/Naughty
Exciting. . . . . . . . . . . Can Cook. . . . . . . . . .Confident. . . . . .Brave
Romantic. . . . . . . . . Well Mannered. . . . . . . . . . . Positive . . . .. . . . Problem Solver
Generous. . . . . . . . . . Emotionally Open . . .. . . . . . . Consistant . . . . Good Teeth
Strong Hands . . . . . . Able to lift 200 lbs . . . . . . .Sings . . . . . . . . Observant
Respectful. . . . . . . . . . .Likes Dogs & Kids
Honest. . . . . . . . . . . . . Good Sense of Humor
Good Lover. . . . . . . . . .Financially Stable
Attractive……………….Intelligent
Compassionate . . . . . . .Confident
THE LIST TELLS ALL
There are a few very interesting things about this new list. First of all, it was not as easy as it looked. I used to think that I could only be with a man who was taller than me. Looking at the list, I found that qualities such as Honesty, Respect, Compassion, were far more important than a person’s height. I also realized that I was limiting myself to a smaller portion of potential Mr. Right’s out there, by excluding the ones that were not as tall as myself. It really made me think about myself and what kind of a person I am. It definitely put a new perspective on the whole "dating" thing. But the list also went beyond Mr. Right. All but one of the qualities (good lover) also fit what I needed in a friend.
So now what? I’ve established what I will and will not accept. I have identified areas in my own life that I need to work on. This is where the Law of AVERAGES comes into play. The more opportunities you provide yourself, the more times you will find what you are looking for. If I were to sit around at home every night, and go out once or twice a month, I would fail to find anything remotely close to what I am looking for. Two times out of three I’m not going to find anyone who meets my new set of standards. So, to increase my chances of success, I must get out MORE. See More. Do More. Experience More. Go Out On A Limb. Try New Things. Get Involved.