CAPRICORN [Dec.22-Jan.19]:
This week you will try and remember, without success, the name of a b-movie star who you will see on the telly. Ooooh it's just on the tip of your tongue! Hahahahahaha. This will drive you MAD, which will probably soften the blow of your Grandma being ripped to shreds by a Conga Eel on Tuesday. Your lucky fruit is Mango.

AQUARIUM [Jan.20-Feb.18]:
Sol rising in the east, coinciding with your alarm clock going off very early like a beserk toddler on dexadrin, will make you irritable in the morning all this week, so try to avoid human beings like the plague before the luncheoning hour if you can. A rich and spicy exotic dish on the evening of the 12th in the secondary stuffing lounge at The Bombay Tiger Curryhouse will be the harbinger of horrific turds later in the week. Keep a sturdy carrier bag and an old towel within screaming distance.

PISCES [Feb.19-Mar.20]:
Recently you have been feeling tired and emotional. This may be due to heart-break or bad debts. Happily I can report that your suffering is due to subside later this week when you will unexpectedly die of boredom. Can I have your car/wig/kidney? Your lucky mammal this week is Ferret.

ELECTROLUX [Feb.29]:
I foresee danger for you in the coming days, especially for Electroluxes who serve in the armed forces. Remember to duck RIGHT DOWN behind the low wall when the third mig comes over. Move left, right, then left again. Drop the smoke grenade into the upturned helmet and press LEFT, RIGHT and SELECT simultaneously. You will gain 5 extra lives and be transported to a mysterious SECRET ROOM. Your lucky mouth part this week is tongue.

ARIES [Mar.21-Apr.19]:
Your paranoid delusions of being shadowed by someone or something over the past weeks are proved justified when armed police smash through your ceiling on Thursday and demand you tell them where all the cats are. Don't tell them. Your unlucky utensil this week is whisk.

TAURUS [Apr.20-May 20]
Taureans who trade in futures stock this week may find the market a little too bullish for comfort. Geddit? Just my little joke. Buddhist, Shinto and Atheist Taureans are in for a bit of a surprise with the spectacular second coming of our holy Lord Jesus Christ on the 28th and all the associated judging and condemnation which that entails. One to watch out for.

GEMINI [May 21-June 20]
The unscheduled annihilation of the planet Venus on Monday will mean that most Geminians next week will be rounded up and ceremonially beaten to death with chicken drumsticks (compare and contrast with the thoroughly documented Chicken Incident). Bad luck Gemini. Your lucky medical complaint this week is Adenoidal Shankroids.

STEVE [May.26 12:40pm]
Steve, ring your mum, your Uncle Desmond is being charged with aggravated tits again and the budgie's gone apeshit. Jesus!

CANCER [June 21-July 22]
This week you will be told by your doctor that ironically, you have developed malignant cancer of the finger and have less than 3 weeks to live! Relax, he's just having a laugh. You know what these medics are like *. Anyway, be sure to mind out for a shower of red-hot meteorites in the supermarket on Friday, especially near the frozen peas. Your lucky milk this week is semi-skimmed.

LEO [July 23-Aug.22]
Piss off Leo! I bloody hate you! You haven't got a lucky thing this week, you clever-arsed willy-head!

VIRGO [Aug.23-Sept.22]
Virgos into chastity will be distinctly surprised and alarmed when their cherry is resoundingly popped this week by a stranger from out of the town who answers only to the name "Big George". Otherwise this week is damp and uneventful apart from a terrifying air disaster witnessed on Saturday morning involving a fuel-laden British Airways DC-10 and half a doner kebab hurled into its flightpath by a freak gust of flatulence. Cries of "Wow!", "Shit!" and "Fucking Amazing!" are De Rigeur. Your lucky frequency this week is 440 Hz.

LIBRA [Sept.23-Oct.21]
Hopes of marriage this week are dashed by the discovery that your beloved partner of 3 years is in actual fact just a trick of the light brought about by an old mop leaning up against a cupboard at a curious angle. Drown your sorrows down at Jacksons, your local family store, where the price is right and we're open all night! This week Amstel Dutch lager down to 59p a bottle! Are we mad? Yes! [Jacksons UK Ltd. (c)]

SCORPIO [Oct.22-Nov.21]
The week starts late for Scorpions this week. Thursday. The ensuing rush to get the whole week's work done in 2 days means that you may not have time to notice your brutal and sadistic murder on Thursday evening, but if you do get a moment, please check it out as it's a real plum job if I do say so myself. The incisions really are first-rate. Scorpio parents should listen to their children this week as, well, kids are like, the future, yeah? Right on. Your lucky map projection this week is Mercator.

SAGITTARIUS [Nov.22-Dec.21]
Due to Neptune rising to meet Mars in its nadir at the helix of the crux in the fifth heavenly house, I haven't a bloody clue whats in store for Sagittarians this week, but rest assured it'll probably involve a lot of lying down being very still and making little "eek-eek" noises. Your lucky emotion this week is guilt!

AND THATS ALL THE STARS FOR THIS WEEK!
Madame Rosa Lee Frootsky is on drugs. Mmmm, nice drugs.