USDA to Subsidize Turret Farmers

The U.S. Department of Agriculture's Farm Service Agency today announced its new program to subsidize Tribes 2 turret farmers. "This program, like many others provided by the FSA, will help the suffering Americans who depend on turret farming," said FSA acting administrator James R. Little. "Our goal is to promote all aspects of agriculture."

Asked about the reason for the program, Mr. Little responded, "Our preliminary research indicates that these farmers consistently have their crops destroyed by marauding pests known as 'cappers' and 'bombers'. Today's farmers depend on agriculture for their livelihood, and can't survive if their crops are constantly subject to devastation by outside forces."

The FSA program will compensate turret farmers for losses exceeding 35 percent of potential yield. So, for example, a map that allows eight landspike turrets will be eligible for repayment once three or more turrets are destroyed. Unfortunately for international players, though, only American citizens can be compensated.

All the U.S.-based turret farmers we talked to were enthusiastic about the program. "Free money for taking screenshots of some offensive a-hole blowin' up my turrets?" said one. "Man, I lub the guv'ment!"