Tribes 2 Earns Celebrity Endorsements

The entertainment industry, like many others across America, is reeling as a result of the recent events. One of the industry's big events, the 53rd Emmy Awards show, was canceled a second time, most likely for good. "This has all happened so quickly," said CBS Television President Leslie Moonves.

With America reeling from the events and also going through celebrity withdrawals, industry moguls decided to try something different. "These kids today are always playing their computer games," said Moonves, "and we need to reach out to the younger generation. We decided to get famous people to comment on Sierra On-Line's game, Tribes 2." A segment on Entertainment Tonight showed the celebrities, seated at a LAN party, providing remarks on the multiplayer computer game:

• Arnold Schwarzenegger: Da Beowulfs are ah-some. Dey remind me ovf my Hummers, except with superior fye-ah-pow-ah.
• Martha Stewart: I'm amazed at how some white linen and fresh kumquats can make your old base like new again. You can entertain enemy invaders with special homemade marzipan mines, and imagine their surprise when they encounter spider clamps camouflaged with festive holiday arrangements.
• Chuck Yeager: This game has "the right stuff." That Shrike is fast, but it's no supersonic fighter, I tell you what.
• Former President Ronald Reagan: Well... what were we talking about again?
• Callista Flockheart: I love the female light armors... they're thin like me!
• Michael Jordan: I used to play Tribes 2, then I retired, but now I’m considering coming back to play it again.
• Bill Gates: Tribes 2 scripts are like Word macros. Why don't people complain about the security of Tribes 2 scripts?
• Christina Aguilera: I like the Starwolf tribe, because they're stars like me, their armor is pretty blue and white, and, of course, it shows off my navel.
• Jerry Seinfeld: So what's the deal with these ELF turrets? Does that beam give you pointy ears, a pointy hat, and pointy shoes? I mean, really!

Sierra responded enthusiastically to the free publicity. While welcoming the attention, ordinary gamers still encountered problems playing the game. "It sux0rs, dude," said one. "All these famous tools are hogging the best servers."