SICK BOY’S WEEKLY HOROSCOPES

"I’m the only psychic LICENSED BY THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT, Baby!" - Sick Boy

Well, warrior-boy, it’s finally time to take financial control of your life. So you’re thinking, day trading must be the answer! Hahahaha WRONG! What, your friends can’t believe you still WORK for a living when you could be sitting at home gambling on the stock market and winning big, right? And even if you don’t, it’s socially acceptable to vent your LOSER anguish by killing yourself, your family, and colleagues because you were such a fucking MORON that you thought you could beat the system with your puny brain and a fucking LAPTOP, RIGHT?!? This isn’t War Games or Hackers, ASSBAG, it’s real life. Maybe if you actually did some WORK for a change, you’d get somewhere.

I have HAD IT with you. You think you’re so FUCKING great, Taureans or Tauri or whatever you call yourselves these days. When I was a kid, your sign had NO CURRENCY in polite circles. You think you’re a BIG MAN, does being a Taurus make you feel like a big man, Taurus? Does it? You make me SICK. Nevertheless: get ready for magic, flowers, and unicorns this week! It’s going to be super - lots of positive energy! Yeah, right. Asshole.

I went out with this really cute girl who had a twin sister, and one night when my girlfriend was really drunk she asked me, "If you could have sex with two women who would they be?" and I stumbled and said, "I don’t think I should tell you... you probably already know," and she got REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF and we broke up, and I was, like, a big pussy, crying all the time with KNOTS in my STOMACH. Well you know what? Now I make more than she does and I drive a nicer car. So think positive, Gemini, you’ve got something most people only dream of... C-L-A-S-S, Baby... Class.

With a sign like Cancer, what good would you ACTUALLY expect to happen to you? I mean.... "Cancer," you know? I always wondered why your symbol wasn’t an emaciated child with a bald head, instead of a fucking CRAB. What the hell do crabs have to do with Cancer anyway? Answer me! ANSWER ME! Actually, my mother’s a Cancer so I should chill. Expect great positive energy this week! Asshole. You and Taurus, both assholes. Gonna cock my Glock and pop until they ALL drop.

If I were a Leo, where would I be? Oh I know, on my knees taking it up the ASS, THAT’s where! Look Leo, I have to break it to you, this weeks’ not going to be so hot. Expect injury. No, wait, expect bodily harm, blunt-trauma style. If not to you, then to someone close enough in proximity to you that you catch significantly large chunks of shrapnel. Hey, don’t blame ME, Baby, it’s in the STARS.

Remember that weird dream you had where you were dancing in a field but it wasn’t a field it was more like a BIG MAZE and then you looked down and you didn’t have any feet but instead you had these BIG LOBSTER CLAWS and you fell over because no one can dance on lobster claws and your mother caught you in her fleshy arms but she was NAKED and she had the body of your ex-girlfriend (but not as fat) and you started kissing her really passionately and she was crying and you were yelling SHUT UP! SHUT UP! and then you woke up? Dude, that’s actually going to happen. Don’t forget to carry around a small tube of Astroglide.

Libra, your moon is high like a big pizza pie muthafucka! Freedom’s ringing, Baby, and it’s playing your tune! Try to hook up with an Aquarian for TRUE GLOBAL DOMINATION this week - now’s not a bad time to start a cult, or make some Sarin gas canisters, or build a compound, or, well, something POSITIVE, you know? You rule! You RULE!

Cool. Scorpio. Like the TV show, "Scorpio." Could I borrow $5?

Get your bow and arrow ready, Centaur-boy, because you’re goin’ huntin’! For personal growth, that is... this week will be filled with new experiences and self discovery! HAHAHAHAHA! WRONG AGAIN, dear Readers! Just another BULLSHIT week sitting behind your desk pushing papers and making money for other people who treat you like COMPLETE CRAP, drinking flat double Tanqueray-and-tonics from your high-school reunion mug ALONE in the DARK while you shamelessly weep weep weep your way to a Thinner You. Sometimes it just seems like you’re going nowhere... expect more of the same this week!

I actually want to get a little serious for a minute and talk "star matters" with Capricorn. You have tough questions to ask yourself this week, and the answers will be even tougher to swallow than the questions were to ask. But you have to face up to them, while your moon is in the something-or-other house and your personal growth energy is at its peak or whatever. You have to look yourself in the mirror -- naked -- and say, "I am what I make myself, and I am going to take control." In fact, I’m not going to LET YOU REST until you’ve sent me a picture of yourself... naked... watching yourself in the mirror. Touching yourself. I mean, can I, um... can I give you a call sometime? I feel a vibe, Baby... it’s like, we already really CONNECT.

All Aquarians, join ME in a celebration of life! Since this is my first stab at horoscopes, I should let you all know that I’m an Aquarian, so the chances of me predicting anything negative for Aquarians, EVER, are pretty much nil. ZERO. In fact, this week is going to be better for Aquarians than any week prior, but not quite as good as next week, which will be even fucking BETTER, chum...p. So live with it! This is the dawning of the Age of the Aerostar, punk muthafucka, and life STILL ain’t nothing but bitches and money.

Now I may sound like I’m HITTING THE PIPE again, but Pisces, you’ve got a lot good going for you this week. Expect luck in love, surprisingly good news about your health, and at the very least, expect to find a few hundred dollars in the street... maybe a few thousand! And if it doesn’t happen, well, what are you going to do? FIRE me? It’s not MY fault that you didn’t take enough SPIRITUAL CONTROL over your life to let the good energy in. And by the way, stop calling me and hanging up, because I have Caller ID, and don’t MAKE me get a restraining order.