Get your own Free Home PageSelf-examination:
What is left to live for?
I was speaking to John this evening, and he was complaining about the fact that he might have to choose between going to his girlfriend's prom and playing with his band at a local club/pool hall. This, certainly, was a catastrophe. John believes that since so many things have been going right for him lately (accepted to PSU Theatre Department, got a girlfriend who is REALLY into him, his band is madly successful, and he's taking a two-month vacation from his job at Blockbuster, where he will be welcomed back after that time) ... this means that something incredibly bad will happen to him sometime soon to karmically balance his life. I suppose that could make sense. I personally don't believe in karma anymore. I used to think it could be true. Bad things and good things have to even each other out, that seems logical. You do something bad, something bad will happen to you. Now I just believe that life is shit and it will fuck you over every chance it gets. Sometimes this means that life likes to build you up before it wrecks you like a cheap piece of shit. Not to satiate your need for happiness, but rather to heighten the depression you feel when your whole life gets fucked over. Unfortunately, life hasn't built me up lately for that great big crashing depression.
I thought about John's trouble and got to thinking of my own situation. As so: I'm in love with a girl who lives over 1200 miles away from me. (In Arkansas, for chrissakes!) Though she may come here for my graduation, that might be the last time I see her for several years, if not forever. To make that worse, I'm not really certain of the extent of her feelings for me. She says "I love you" when we talk, but I can understand that being seperated by 1200 miles for two years can do a lot to the heart. Yes, I still love her, and I wouldn't think poorly of her, but I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't feel the same way towards me. I wouldn't blame her either. I would ask her to be my girlfriend if I didn't think that was a horrible thing to do to her, entrapping her in an almost impossible relationship, and she in no way deserves to be put in that situation. I'm not going to my own senior prom because she is the only person I could possibly want to go with. She's the only person who I've ever thought about marrying, and I do that on a daily basis. I want so badly to call her up and say "I'll fly to Arkansas and marry you. I don't care about college, I don't care about anything in life except you." I would do that, without hesitation, if I thought she would be any bit inclined to do so. I love her so much it hurts me deeply to think about it at all. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it also makes the heart more frustrated because I can't see her face, feel her skin, smell her perfume... (sounds corny but I couldn't care less)
I've broken off a casual relationship with a girl who I was fucking because I couldn't go through with that in light of the situation with Melissa (the girl from Arkansas). Certainly I've always loved Melissa but... I feel so horrible for this. I thought I needed that physical sexual release with this other girl. But it was bullshit. I can't keep doing things like that. I feel as if I'm cheating on Melissa even though I'm not going out with her.
I've been accepted to the University of Pittsburgh, my last choice school. The other three schools I've applied to haven't sent anything to me, be it acceptance or rejection. They told me that they accepted my application, but after that, communication stopped. Except for a letter from one of them telling me that I hadn't been chosen for scholarship money.
I applied undecided to all three colleges. I have no idea what I might ever want to major in, no job seems fulfilling to me. I don't feel like I could ever hold a position in society. Not even at McDonalds (etc., etc.) I feel as thought I have no purpose in life. I have no great talent, no skill which I could find remotely acceptable. The only things I've considered majoring in are those things that others tell me I should major in : photography, journalism, theatre, art...
I have no hopes, no dreams, no goals. My life is utterly devoid of meaning. I don't care about school, I don't care about family, I don't care about friends. I live only because that's what's left for me. The things I should feel passionate about, I'm losing interest in. I'm losing my attention span. I dwell on self-destructive habits: smoking drinking, various drugs. I don't care anymore about the acts or the effects, they are merely things to do to destroy my own body.
To quote Seven Mary Three: "I have become cumbersome"
What motivation do I have in life? My only goal is to eventually die. I have no point, no purpose, no reason for existence. School is something I do because it is the standard. Life is something I do because it is the default. My family treats me as an afterthought. With a brother who is successful at everything in life and a cousin who knows the meaning of courage from his experiences in wrestling, and a score of other relatives for everyone to be proud of, I'm the child who is "just there". I was so happy when my grandfather sent an e-mail to me and his three other grandchildren, only to realize that his praise of me was only written in so that he could truly praise his greatest achievements, my brother and my wrestling-star cousin. It was so one-sided towards them that a person would be blind to not notice it, but I ... in my infinite stupidity, only saw it as an equal distribution of accolades... upon first blush, that is. To think I tried to force myself to cry over such a trite thing. The saddest part of my relationship with my family is that I'm closest to my relatives who are dead. This is not, however, a tragic case of "I loved them, then they died." This is a pathetic case of "They died, then I loved them."
My brother is now mocking my via ICQ, despite the distance between us. As if my own observations on the pointlessness of my own life are not adequate, he must bury the nail head deep into the coffin, using his cutting cynicism destroy any pride I might have.
I feel as thougt I am the most pathetic person in existence. I've done nothing I'm proud of, other than the love I found in Melissa. That is my only reason for living. Of course, that means nothing as she probably doesn't return this feeling.
If I could still cry, I would. But I gave up on crying. The pointlessness of shedding tears to me only echoes the pointlessness of my own life.
I don't think I have any friends. John... he's better friends with Tony and Chode and Brent. I'm an accessory, nothing more. Tony, Chode, Brent, all have a tighter bond between the four of then I ever might hope to form. Greg is no longer a friend, merely an acquaintance. I once thought he was my best friend, despite that he had so many other people with whom he was closer. Thea... that's laughable. I don't even talk to Thea anymore. Yes, she is in college now. But those who are worth holding on to, we hold on to no matter what the obstacles. So I've let her go. We have almost nothing in common anymore. Anyone else... who is there? Anyone I would call a great friend? No. Ha. It seems almost laughable. Imagining graduating with a classful of strangers. No true friend to call your closest, no person whom you feel safe confiding in, only a handful of people you even see outside of school on even a casual basis.
But who can I blame for this? I can't even blame God. I'm an atheist. one of the few things of which I am certain if that I don't believe in God or religions. How pathetic, the most certain thing in my life is that of nothingness. I've given up on any spirituality.
Who can I blame? My parents, my other relatives, my friends? My school? My teachers? I have only myself to blame. No one can accept even a portion of my guilt for this, for I am the only person close enough to myself to cause any impact on my own life.
What the hell.
Fuck this.
Life is shit, right? Get over it, I guess.
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