Get your own Free Home PageThis is going to be depressing... for me at least. I warn you now, and don't you dare presume to blame me later...
My mom had surgery in December. Exactly a week before Christmas, to be exact. All is ok, she's recovering. My dad left... went to Australia on a business trip of some sort. That's ok, we can survive without him. Mom went back to work yesterday for her first day... only a half day, of course... don't want to overload her too quickly.
Dad keeps writing me letters saying he's sorry. Saying that it looks like they'll be staying there a bit longer... every time it gets a little bit longer... couple more days... a week or two... Now mom is complaining to me about her problems at work.
I'm scared, I can't leave her to emotional festering... the hate inside her would destroy the whole family I believe... hate over simple things, stupid things. I tell her to be calm when dealing with the people she works with, try to put it in very simple terms: "they're stupid". It sounds harsh, but I thought it might make her laugh a little, maybe relax, let some of that tension go. It didn't work. She's still mad. So I listen to all of her complaints and absorb them.
Jesse, my brother, isn't exactly getting along with my parents... not that he ever has in the last six years... he's 18 now, he doesn't exactly like adults... doesn't exactly like anyone who doesn't completely agree with him. I'm tired from this. The friction mounts between these two groups, I feel like a bridge... unfortunately the two sides start caring less that I'm on their side and start noticing more I'm also connected to the other side... so both sides start to push me away... I'm only a bridge, I want only to do good, to connect these two groups in the hopes that someday they will want to learn from each other, know each other... But instead they push me into the chasm... Perhaps it's better that way.
Dad wrote me again today "sorry, son. Looks like I won't be back for the hockey season. I guess you'll have to take a friend if you go to a game. Or just the three of you (me, my mother, and my brother) can go. I'm really sorry."... I stopped caring. I know I'll never see him again. Not until this is all over with, not until I have another distraction. The other two (Jesse and Mom) don't want to go to a game anyway. Maybe I'll just use mom's credit card to order some tickets, and when no one else wants to go say "oh well" and go with two of my friends instead. Maybe. Maybe it would be better that way.
"oh and son, it looks like your mom may get called here for a couple of weeks in March." The hockey season doesn't end until early April, I think. I don't know, I haven't been following as closely as I used to... not enough time, I guess. Dad's already going to be out there until at least late March. That's three months. Oh well, three's a good number, right? And so mom will go out for however long it is from March until the project is finished.
I keep thinking of that song... "you can't fight the tears that ain't comin'..." and I know it's true. Sometimes I try to force myself into crying over this situation, but it won't work. I don't have enough caring left, I guess. Last night I didn't get to sleep until well after 4 AM... and I woke up at 7:01 AM. Alarm clock set, thank you. The only thing is, I didn't even notice. I felt the way I have for the last... 8 months, I guess. This time, though, I had an excuse for looking tired. That's good, otherwise someone might think there was something wrong. That would be bad. My family would be very angry if that happened. Why did you look so tired to them? Now they think there's something wrong with your home life, and there isn't!
I was talking to my ex-girlfriend on ICQ... one of them, I mean... anyway, I was telling her about my parents being gone or going, depending on which one you ask about, and I told her I thought I should feel guilty. SHOULD I?? Should I feel guilty because I no longer care whether they are here or not? I could exist on my own, as long as there was enough money to pay bills and get food. When everyone's gone... before when they were at work until 10 at night... I cooked dinner, I did the dishes, I cleared the table, I did chores... occasional help was given, but it wasn't needed. So what would the difference be? I'd have to cook for two less people, that'd be the difference. But at least then I wouldn't have to see the food I cooked waste away on the table because every time I thought about putting it away I said to myself "they'll be home shortly!" "they'll be home shortly." "they'll be home..." "home..."
I wish I could cry, I wish that goddamn song was wrong, I wish I could care about these fucking people... and see, now I've lost the energy to put the exclamation point on the end. I was all riled up, using curses, but it drained away... couldn't finish it without trailing off...
So a friend told me her and her boyfriend have separated until saturday when they will go to the ball with each other... and she wants to date some guy besides him but she doesn't know who. Sad. I should feel sad for her, for him, for them. But apathy is overwhelming. So I forget about it... and tomorrow when she tells me they've separated, I'll be confused, I'll wonder when, she'll say she already told me. And I'd feel foolish if I had enough energy for it.
I have to read a book... The Grapes of Wrath... its supposed to be a sad book, it doesn't seem too bad to me. The kid in it, he's still got his family, people cook food for him, and best of all he doesn't have school. Seems like an easy life, really. Gotta read it by next monday. It's tuesday now, got six days. 300 pages or so to go. Maybe I'll bother, maybe I'll just find a book report on the 'Net so I don't have to read it. I think I'll probably read it, though.
I have a test in science tomorrow... I don't know anything on it, I'll either cheat or fail. It doesn't really matter which one, does it?
Another test the day after, in geometry. That class is stupid, I don't like it, but it seems easy for me. As uncaring as I try to be, I still know everything from the chapter. I'll probably get at least an 85. I could try for higher, but this is so much easier. "The path of least resistance" and all that...
I'm tired, I have to go finish a drawing for art class. I don't really want to spend the time on it, but I have to get a good grade in that class... I don't know why, i'll probably never be an artist... but its a dream, right? We all need dreams. Except those when we are sleeping. If you don't sleep more than four hours, you won't have those. Trust me.
Oh yeah, I forgot to say this... I had a funny thing happen today... it's not actually funny, it's just strange. I got a nosebleed. In the middle of science class. For no discernible reason. It woke me. This little thing sent emotions to long dead nerves. Confusion. I think that was mainly the only emotion it sent, but still, it was strange.
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