Get your own Free Home Pagei once knew this guy named john. not john marsh, or any john you know, so didn't think that. anyway, this john guy was fat. really fat. like monster-obese. like moby dick had nothing on this guy. and he was walking along one day.
whistling.
this john guy had a real annoying song he used to whistle. i mean incredibly annoying. it was this song, and it went on for like twenty minutes before it repeated itself. i mean like seriously twenty minutes. i timed him once. well, it was actually 18 minutes and 47 seconds when i timed him, but i round up. and there's like no chorus in the whole song. so absolutely nothing repeats for 20 minutes. unbelievable. so he's fat and he whistles this song all the time. but the thing is, nobody has ever heard this song before. nobody knows what song it's supposed to be, and he'll never tell anyone. later i found out it wasn't even any real song, just this thing he made up one day, and he whistled it over and over again till he had it memorized.
so he's walking along, right?
and he's got mud all over his sneakers.
this guy, he never wore any shoes but the same pair of dirty old beat up sneakers. they were these old adidas which looked like they had been made before adidas even existed. and they were caked in mud all the time, and the left shoe had this big kool aid stain on it from where this fat bastard, who can't see around his stomach, stepped in a glass of cherry kool-aid, and he slipped and fell and just about broke his damn nose. blood flew everywhere, all over the floor, it was sick.
so he's walking and he's got these ratty old beat up shoes on that look so old that christ himself could have taken a shit in them as some sort of prep-school joke.
and he's whistling.
all the sudden, he bursts into flame.
boom! all the sudden, and nobody knows why. call it "spontaneous human combustion", they do.
so he's in flames, and his one eye explodes, and the other flies out of the socket. not just slides out, but really flies right out. goes about five feet before it hits the ground and boom, splats all over the ground like a little molitov cocktail.
and then he's running around, waving his flabby arms like some kinda retard in hell, flames shootin up, about six, seven feet high. and there's this crowd gathered around him, and nobody in it will do a thing. they just stand there and watch. he's running around on fire, and nobody bothers to grab an extinguisher, they just let his own body fat feed the flames, cause by now his skin has pretty much all melted off. and he's running around, and occasionally a chunk of fat'll fall off of him and sit there burning for a minute or two, and the people'll watch it for a couple of seconds, then turn back to watching the big fat idiot runnin' around on fire.
finally, he falls off the subway platform, in front of a train, and gets killed.
and all those people watching him, all those stupid spectators, you know what they do? they get on the train and just go on with their life.
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