Get your own Free Home PageBefore you read this, I should explain something. This is taken directly from a letter I wrote to Laura, this is word for word, copied and pasted...
the wonders of earth
endless and free
the skies seem clear
exciting to me
there is no light
on the horizon
its straight above
what my eyes are on
there is bright
there is light
there is no way
to give up the fight
never the darkness
always every peace
don't let the cold
catch you and freeze
so please
beg and pray
but never let go
of today
laura...
i don't understand what is going on here, i have so many words flowing from every fingertip of me, i feel as though something else is in complete control of my body and it's almost frightening...
this is really strange, i feel like i'm truly awake. there are times i feel this way, and i am never able to capitalize on them, because usually i am either alone, or in a position where i can't talk to anyone...
so i must harness this while i can
i have a vision at the moment, it is of me driving along the highway. but i am not the one driving... there is someone in the driver's seat but i can't see who, my head is turning now, and i am frightened when i see that their is no one at the wheel! but it is okay, the car seems to be in cruise control, and somehow the wheel is steering itself...
now i am looking forward and once again i see what it is i am meant to see... straight ahead of me, there are three cars. none of them are close to the van... ( the normal van, the family van in which i am used to riding...) , the closest one looks to be about 60 yards ahead of me... i can see it perfectly now, there are three sets of lights on the rear, one on top of the other, all of them red, and all of them lit.
the next car ahead of me is too far away, although it is barely further then the first car. i can only see a red blur of its lights
the car ahead is the same as the second car...
it is dark out, pitch black, a black the likes of which i have never seen before. but it is strange, there are six cars going past me in the opposite direction... but it always remains as six... as soon as one car goes past, another appears on the edge of my vision and it strikes me as an odd occurence.
but to the left and right of the lanes, i can see a strange blur...
on the right of my position there is a constant red streak, about eight feet high, running the entire length of the highway behind me , but starting only a few feet in front. along the left there is a steady purple streak, although that is incorrect. in actuality, it is more reminiscent of a violet streak, flying past me like a thousand humming bees, an entire swarm of yellow swooping upon the brittle flower, its unfortunate victim. but now i have noticed that as i imagine the bees sweeping, the left streak turns into a yellow streak as opposed to the purple-violet streak i was seeing previously. but once my attention fades from the thought of that magnificent regal, royal beast, the streak returns to violet, although slowly.
now i have approached the other side, i am bursting into another memory... the black wall is getting closer and now i am there.
it takes several seconds for my eyes to adjust, for here i am now, in the bright summertime light, on a beach. i look and immdeiately realize that it is not the bright resplendent beaches that one sees on postcards, but rather the faded and dreary beach one is accustomed to seeing on the great lakes or perhaps in the older worn down areas of new jersey. i am getting a vague feeling this is very far back, perhaps as far back as my life in north carolina, perhaps. and although i can not see a coast on the other side of the water, my mind is buzzing like those bees of which i described, telling me how this is not a sea or an ocean at all, but rather a lake in the inland sections of north carolina... where this lake is, i do not know, but it continues to haunt me in my memories.
yes that is the key the memories... i will follow them
the beach as i said is faded, but one can still see the remains of faded youth, if not visibly, then psychically. i can see them, i see a happier, gayer time in this poor old beaches life... it recalls those happier times in unison as i do... there are younger people, dressed in old styles, the styles of the 50s nnoooo... that is wrong they are further back even than that... pre world war 2... 30s, maybe 20s. yes. that is more like it. there is one woman that stands out, she is wearing a red and white striped bathing suit, the more covering type worn in those days, not as revealing as the current suits... but for her time it is quite revealing... it is funny, now... i can't even tell whether it is a one piece or a two piece bathing suit, but i assume that means this is a trivial matter to investigate...
she is partially bent over, though mainly erect, she holds the hand of a small child... i would say the child is two, but i know that is wrong... i can not say she is three however, for that is too old...
i can see it now... she is approx. 2 years plus seven months, give or take approx. 15 days... no that is wrong i know it now... 2 years, 3 months, 17 days. yes, and that is strange now isn't it. that is when she was born, too... march 17. yes...
so this must be happening in june, correct? no, july... 3? is that right, i am not sure the math skills seem to be a little depleted, although not anough to make me think i have given them up in exchange for these words...
so now i come back to the memory of what was then the present. the 1980s, i know not when i think i am 5 years old, but there is no way of being certain. the sand of the beach is old and faded and i understand now why it seems like an aged man would be...
it is strange, it has the broken shells of dead animals in it, the way old beaches tend to have... why? i don't know it is very strange, but all old beaches have the exoskeletons of the exact same creatures. the are not the shells of some clam or mollusk or such creature... they are not whit or pale or any sort of that pastel coloring that you tend to see on the shells of sea creatures... rather the exoskeletons are black, very black, a pitch black and they frighten me... there is no complete exoskeleton remaining on the whole beach and that is strange to me... there are claw sections, body scetions, and more, but no complete shells. strange to the point of unbelieveability...
AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
ok that is enough i must not pursue this course any further...
i did plan on lying to you and telling you that the strange feeling i have at the moment is fading, and i don't remember the details anymore, but that is a lie, and so i will not tell it to you. the truth is this:
one)
first of all, this feeling is incredibly frightening to me and i wish to retreat from it... you must understand i had this feeling since approx. 5 minutes before i started typing this whole letter... including the poem, made up on the spot, which is yet another in seires of inexplicable tihngs i have written...
two)
to me, i see you reading this and thinkingi was high or something to that effect when i wrote it, which would be the wrong impression entirely, and i wouldn't want you to get that imnpression because then you would be... well i won't lie this time either, i don't think you would be mad... perhaps disappointed but i doubt that too... i don't know what it is i'm afraid you would feel...
wait now i know... unbelieveable, but it is true, it is not in truth a selfish reason, or perhaps it is, depending on your view of it...
the truth is i'm afraid you would dismiss this little note i have sent you as utter nonsensical ravings and not as some sort of window as i perceive them...
of course, it is very possible that i am wrong and they do not mean anything but are rather just fragments of distorted childhood memories...
but i hope they are something more, for it would be a beautiful truncated (the word makes no sense there to me but my hands and my minds both insist it goes there despite my urgings's) experience to translate and decode it into what its true meaning must be....
oh good god if i were a psychologist, i would have a field day with this...
hahahah.
field day is an unusual word, don't you think?
yes no maybe?
i'm sorry, you probably shouldn't answer that it will send me into a looney spiral thinking about it help me yes it seems i should get out of it now as it is...
aH yes one more thing (the H was not meant, it was supposed to be an h, but for some magical mysterious circumstance i managed to hit both the shift and the h at the same time, which makes no sense as the h is in the middle of the keyboard, and the shift is far from the middle...
sorry raving now.
must stop. terminate.
the one more thing was this (which i will spit out quickly as to avoid and more digressions) if you would wish to continue on the beach memory itself feel free to tell me when i am sane, for i will be able to explain the whole memory to you then... althought no neccessarily including the punch through to the following memory...
i am not sure whether the beach memory is true or one i read about, but it could also be some amalgamation of both (amalgamation ... love that word, its beautiful, isn't it)
okay must go now stop thinking and send...
jeremy
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