Cast: Alec Baldwin, Teri Hatcher, Mary Stuart Masterson, Eric Roberts, Kelly Lynch, Vondie Curtis-Hall
Director: Phil Joanou
Screenplay: Scott Frank and Harley Peyton, based on the novel by James Lee Burke
Running Time: 132 minutes
Grade: C-
Overall: 2 stars (out of 5)
Action: 2 stars (out of 4)
Drama: 1 star (out of 4)

One line review: fairly run-of-the-mill action melodrama. Nothing in the film is better than average, and the characters are rather dumb. Throw in average performances and an unsatisfactory screenplay, and you have a below-average movie.

The main character, Dave Robicheaux (Alec Baldwin), keeps doing one stupid thing after another. He assaults gangsters after they warn him off. He goes off on macho trips to get even with people for minor affronts to his dignity. Films with idiotic heroes are annoying: in a well-written film, the characters act intelligently. In HEAVEN’S PRISONERS, you almost want the next stupid move by Baldwin’s character to get the moron killed.

Dave’s high school friend, Bubba Rocque (Eric Roberts), is involved in drugs, the mob, and other unsavory things in the bayou country of Louisiana. Dave gets himself involved in Bubba’s business, and we’re never sure if the two old friends are going to hug or punch each other whenever they meet. There’s also a D.E.A. agent, Minos Dautrieve (Vondie Curtis-Hall), who is after Bubba, and comes to the rescue of Dave on one or two occasions.

To further complicate Dave and Bubba’s relationship, Bubba’s wife, Claudette (Teri Hatcher), makes advances toward Dave. Her performance was nothing spectacular—unlike her other attributes. Her breasts are the one (two, actually) outstanding element of the film. Hearing about her nude scene was the impetus that drove me to see the film, and in that respect, I wasn’t disappointed.

There are a few good supporting performances, from Dave’s wife, Annie (Kelly Lynch), and the black man who runs his fishing shop, Badja Djola. But Baldwin doesn’t really carry the film the way he needs to, considering his screen time and star presence. Maybe it’s the phony Cajun accent, but I never saw past Alec Baldwin in the part. Eric Roberts is a little better as the macho, self-made Cajun gangster. But that’s probably because he’s played similar stupid, body-builder types in the past.

Dave’s an ex-cop, and goes after some hit-men, who may or may not be in the employ of his friend. In a crucial scene, one of the hit men whispers something that couldn’t be heard by either Dave, or the audience. What’s the point? It never becomes clear, though the mystery is eventually solved.

This film was made by the now-defunct Savoy pictures, and has been on the shelf for a while. It probably would have been just as well if it had stayed there. Any film where coasters—those little, round cup-holders—play an integral part is going to have to work hard to make up for it. And HEAVEN’S PRISONERS just can’t do it.