Self Hate

i spend my time cursing myself
stupid... ugly... hated...
writing list of how i'm loathed and repulsive
shoving myself down and keeping myself out of the way
don't talk, don't associate
-- you'll intrude where you're not invitedd<
i don't matter, i don't count
-- i'm the person everyone can do without

marred skin and thick glasses
dressed in worn thin second hand clothes
a scrap of shoe lace holds back my hair
scattered curly locks and soul a mess

so you say you want to save me
i'm trying so desperately hard just to live
trying to think and act
a false smile, an uneasy laugh
i've wanted to die since i was ten

don't yell cause it'll make me cry
broken down under the strain
-- of someone else's life and pain
don't tell cause i'll deny it all
lie with my silence as well as words
-- each another stone to build my grave

i spend my time condemning myself
a crucified girl denying her adulthood
a single spike driven between my breast
-- an insect impaled and on display
acting as if i have no arms, no legs
-- give up on me, i'm a classic basket cassee.

© 1998

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Asdzani Bah & her Pandora Box