No Words

Words escape me.

Try as I might to comprehend the usage of pleasing rattles of the tongue I can not pull it to my advantage. I would croon to my love in ecstatic whispers and he would gaze more intently on the newspaper he was scanning. I would punctuate each utterance with light strokes across his shoulders and he would simply move to sit on the other end of the couch.

There are even days when I will attempt to mimic my more forked tongue sisters to net the object of my desire but mostly I fall just as flat on my face. I would breath a sultry intonation while dancing at a party and he would walk away. I would wear something sparse and gaze longingly in his direction. He would immediately leave the room.

After each failure I would analyze the common threads. Was it the tone I said it in? Did I choose the wrong words? Was it the fault of wrong timing? Am I chasing the game too harshly? Are no words better than any at all?

Silence was the brick he threw at me within my house made of glass.

I know I am not the world's greatest beauty but I am no mediocre residue of the feminine form either. While my high cheek bones bore no blush nor even a hint of powder no one could say that my mocha tinted features were in any way plain. Though my hair was never fancily styled at a salon it never hung limp but curled like ivy vines. It was true that I was short and a bit over weight but he was not a tall man and my proportions were not horrendous. And if I truly had no chance he would have informed me so, would he not?

My failures mounted higher. Everything left me cross.

Then there of course was the letter. It alone sustained me. It spoke eloquently through the thick calligraphy flowing between golden trim illuminated margins. It was a small letter; small enough to roll up and carry between the swell of my breast as a strung charm. So it was that I did such.

Still my resolve wavered. Had he changed his mind? If I had no chance at all?

At last my curiosity had gone too far. I asked "why" to him. Just one word but that one word was enough. Oh Pandora, sister of my heart, I know your pain!

"Why?" he echoed, "Why? I should be the one asking 'Why?' You haunt me like a curse and hover like a harpy who just sharpened her beak!"

"Why?" I asked weakly still hoping against hope.

"Why do you bother! Have I not made myself clear in my disgust for you? You throw yourself at me like a slut yet you claim to be as pure as the driven snow! You wrap yourself around me like an octopus and whisper foul words a lady would never stoop to..." He went on but mercifully my hearing begun to fail.

There was a falling out. The sun was eclipsed and was angered that its god form should be shrouded. Shadows buckled and glowered like inverted stars in a desert heat. I felt my soul scream its love and go as stony as a cairn grave.

I could have gone the other way! I could have gotten a jealous rise out of him by dating one of his friends. I could have spurned him. I could have left him hanging around the phone like a ghost awaiting my call. But none of these things would have been honest. I was too honest.

I fled from his presence at once and tore his missive from my breast. With tear strewn eyes I read once more his letter. Just one last time before I shredded the parchment as easily as he crushed my first stirrings of love.

"I have noticed you. Peace, do not rend this letter and call it another shallow pursuit. I can see you are more than beauty and I have marveled at your beauty. Please do not call me a beast for this but I would like to do more than admire you from a distance. Let us meet sometime soon so that I may kiss you. Signed X."

It was then that I swore off my love. No more would I be so insulted.

The late hours of shadows drove my half of the world to sleep. The moon swooped and gilded the street I stood before with silver.

I was chewing on a piece of ice that was as cold and hard as I had become. He is on the balcony looking as sad as shattered glass. After brief seconds he looks toward me and opens his mouth but as I turn my back and walk inside. I know there are no words.

© 2000

 

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Asdzani Bah & her Pandora Box