DAVE STEWART NEEDLEHEAD RiDDLE GOES ON
ARCH iRONiC CYBER WARRiOR OR QUAKED OUT OLD HAS-WAS?

Mystery still surrounds former Eurythmics boffin and postmodern beard pioneer Dave Stewart after his recent stunning appearance at the Brit Awards. His incredible headgear and seemingly steely nerve have led to cries of, "what the cocks that on your fucking head then, Dave"

A squadron of thoughts, opinion and small weapons have since flooded in Thrills' special winking letterbox from the experts and ordinary people in an attempt to answer that question. American professor Dreep Hotspall told us: "I would say that Dave's contraption is some kind of addiction treatment helmet, probably to fight against the evils of sex or smoking. It can read his thoughts so that when Bad Dave takes over and thinks about those things, the needles stab him quickly and quietly in the brains. They probably cost about $200 or about 18 of your England pounds, but I don't know if they work."

BBC broadcaster and snooker guru David Vine has other ideas. He said "It's well documented that Dave is an expert skier, so I would assume that his spiky cranial orbs are capable of weather reports from ski resorts around the world. Who Knows, if the conditions in Klosters or St Moritz had suddenly become favourable, crazy old Dave would probably have dropped his guitar and picked up his snow boots, and he'd have been out of there quicker that some kind of bug in a rainstorm. Yehaaw!"

More theories came bursting out in from the USA, courtesy of four-year-old child prodigy, acclaimed playwright, and plastic surgeon Clining Whepp Jr. Through an adult interpreter, the Whepp boy said: "Everyone knows DAve hugs on to the future and the new as if it's some kind of substitute nipple. My feeling is that his metallic noggin-harness is permanently tuned into the Internet, with the images projected straight on to his mind's eye. While he was on that stage at the Brits providing Shola Ama with licks, he was probably also cruising the cyber highway, interacting with lonely people in Finland. I know that I would if I was old enough to understand how good that would feel."

Leading style magazine journalist Dee-Germ Walloom put aside his chronic fear of the outside world to say: "Dave's headgear looks like something from a low-budget cyberpunk sci-fi movie movie in which mice begin nesting in people's brains, and there's lots of sex. It probably enables him to teleport between awards ceremonies, modern art exhibitions and openings, and fashionable Japanese-style miniature bars which are only open to midgets and people with the ability to shrink themselves. I want one. Now."

Dave Stewart was unavailable for comment as he was tying himself up with invisible wire.

HAS AMERiCA GONE CIRCUS MAD?

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Well, has it? The Insane Clown Posse have unleashed a torrent of circus-related acts, all desperate to get a sniff of success and notoreity. This week, of the netire Billboard Top 40,36 bands are part of the so-called 'New Circus Militia'. Up until now, parents' only worry was swearing, misogyny and ill-advised calls to go "popping a cap in the ass" of "da police"

But these days, authorities have recorded a 58 per cent rise in the in the numbers of missing teenagers who have "run away to join the circus". Kids are flunking lessons to go and hang out in illegal , unsupervised juggling classes and the Big Top IS the new rock'n'roll, and you're as likely to find 'homies' on street corners in leotards and sequinned pantaloons as Stüssy.

"We wanna keep it real," says The Amazing Suprendo of The Bonkers Trapeze Crew. "Too many pepople are tryin' to take circus away from its roots, we wanna bring it back to what counts - a fucking big tent, man, full or riotous family entertainment. When I was growing up, I never new any different - when Derango The Clown thre confetti over us from a bucket, you can betcha we thought it was gonna be water. That was what it was like - dog eat dog.
"Kids these days - they're just middle class surbabun kids who have never been near a real circus their entire lives. They're just playin' at being trapeze artsist. Us - we live it, 24-7."

Also on the tour are the Mentally Unstable Lion-Tamer Clan with their 'posse' of 16 big cats, including lions, tigers, pumas, and leopards.

Says The Incredible Felino: "You see what happened to that 'proper' circus guy? He didn't spend his youth avoiding drive-by lion attacks like we did. You'd stand on the street, and suddenly five or six lions would pull up, stop their caddilac and try to bite your head off. That was lidfe on the streets when the circus was in town, man. Lions can smell when you're fakin' it or if you're for real. Either way, they bite your head off."

And The Non Compos Mentis Stilt Walkers have faced similar disapproval. "The government can't handle the fact that kids want to be 10ft taller, wearing stripy flared trousers and... well, just walking aroun'," says The Astonishing Stilto. "They just want to keep the kids down, keep 'em... not wearing stilts. But we're out there, man, and we're sayin' to the kids. 'Be yourself, don't let no teacher or pig stop you wearing your badge of pride."